Ultrasound 9/1

I finally got my orders close to 4. Can you imagine if I hadn’t called? I CANNOT. My ultrasound will be with Dr. W on 9/1 at 8:45 am. Though I’m sad it’s two weeks away- TWO WEEKS!- since I’m on vacation I’m going to need that time to build up a few hours in my bank to be able to make the appointment. No earlier appointment for me! I was also told to take 2mg of Estrace just once a day now instead of twice, which is great! I’m looking forward to the time when I can stop my progesterone shots and the placenta takes over. My injection sites are SORE.

Acupuncture was NOT relaxing. The woman next to me was snoring the entire time. It gave me a headache, I just wanted to get out of there. I visited with my mom afterward then came home and lounged around. I went to bed after my shot at 8 pm and I’ve been up since 1ish when Adam went to bed.

Vacation has been great for dealing with my pregnancy tiredness- I am not looking forward to going back to work.

TWO WEEKS. I got this. For now…. haha :X

7,611?!

After calling 5 times and not getting a care team member, I left a message for them saying I was going a little crazy and I would love to know the outcome of my blood test. My hCG came back at 7,611. WHAT?! I hung up with the nurse and starting crying immediately. I can’t believe it. She said the reason they hadn’t sent me orders was because Dr. P hadn’t reviewed it yet but once she does I’ll get orders in the portal for my ultrasound. I’m crying again. Oh my god.

I have acupuncture tonight. I’m in shock right now!!

Letting my lining build

My therapist says I seem to be handling things much better than I was, which is great. Generally I feel like my normal self, but touching baby posts on FB really really do hurt. My bloodwork and scans were all normal, and I’m taking my Estrace twice a day. My next set of bloodwork and scans are on Saturday, so we’ll see what progress I’m making. I’m still feeling empty about this transfer. I am hoping beyond hope that it’s going to work. Thinking about having to wait months and months to continue this process is heartbreaking- I want to keep going. We’ll see what happens. I’m just hoping this is it.

The I’m not pregnant tour is finished, I think.

So in my excitement of my pregnancy, a lot more people found out about it than I had originally intended. Of course all my co-workers knew I was pregnant, they were following along with every step. I assume my boss took care of telling them about what happened today when she helped me sneak out the door without having to speak to anyone. I received the phone call from Dr. P about an hour after I got to work. She asked me had I been bleeding? I said no. I hadn’t really been cramping anymore, either. She said she was a bit puzzled because nothing was seen in my uterus, nor in my tubes, or anywhere… but I also didn’t pass a bunch of tissue for a traditional miscarriage. She had my blood run again and it came back 211. She said she was shocked to see my blood work drop SO LOW. She said if I had had bleeding it would have made sense. So Saturday I’m going back in to have my blood checked again, but tonight I stopped all my medications.

I knew something was wrong when I was there. The tone of the tech, the look on her face. My husband said it didn’t connect for him at the time but afterwards he was thinking about how we were all cheerful and upbeat and she was very somber… and the roller coaster apology of course. I just knew. I was crying on my way to work, my mom was trying to convince me to keep up hope, it was going to be fine. Adam said it seems I have a keen sense into my own body and I’ve known both times the minute it went wrong. I think it’s that plus clues and knowledge of this IVF process. I will note this morning I grabbed my boobs and said “They don’t hurt anymore! Look!” *moves them around with hands all floppily* “I can do whatever I want!”

Also, this is silly, but my in laws bought us balloons when they found out we were pregnant. The “it’s a boy!” balloon was deflated this morning. I thought to myself GOD I hope that’s not a sign. Sigh.  unnamed

After I got off the phone with Dr. P I started SOBBING. It was so guttural and I just can’t explain it. I tried to clean myself up best I can and went looking for my boss. Couldn’t find her, so I called her. I asked her where she was in the clinic and was across the clinic, where I would have to walk in front of patients. I asked her if she could come talk to me, and I started crying again. She asked me what was wrong and I said I wasn’t pregnant anymore. She said I’ll be right there. I sat down in one of the chairs in my room and put my face in my hands and started crying again. She came in and I think I explained what happened? But mostly she just put one of her arms around me and rubbed my back. Then she sat down next to me and put my head on her shoulder and held me as I wept. I tried to apologize but she said not to. The only back up person that could do my job was leaving very shortly and I mentioned that, but that I just couldn’t stay. She said they could use one of the other machines and that there is always another option. I was hyperventilating and crying and she said “Do what we tell the patients.. breath in deep.. hold your breath.. let it out.. you have to breath.” At that point one of my co workers knocked on the door with a patient and my boss said Wait a minute! and closed the door again. She told me to grab my stuff and we’d go to the staff bathroom so I could wash my face. She asked me if I’d be okay to drive but I said my mom had dropped me off and she’d be coming to get me. She said to wash up, and leave when she was there, I didn’t have to stop to talk to anyone, that was the last thing I needed. I said thank you and she said don’t thank me, I wish I could do more. She gave me a hug and said I love you and left me be. I washed my face and called Adam. He said “What?” and sounded broken, then he started crying and asked me if I was going home. I said yes and he said he’d meet me there. I put my sunglasses on and left clinic as fast as possible, not running into anyone.

My mom took me home and I started cleaning my place immediately, and eating chips. I had been sobbing for some time, and for the car ride home, and when I got home I just numbed over. Adam got home after some time and he was crying, so I held him and my mom left, after hugging us both and saying she was sorry.

We ate our feelings, watched Jersey Shore to turn our brains off, told our in laws, and took naps. I did the I’m not pregnant tour and honestly my friend who had a miscarriage recently was the only person that I felt completely understood, which is probably because she was the only one that did.

I don’t even know what to call this. Was it a chemical? Was it a miscarriage? Was it an ectopic? I just don’t know. I don’t know what happened. Then the what ifs start…

what if I hadn’t missed that dose of metformin?

what if we hadn’t had sex the other night?

what if I didn’t use that progesterone I was allergic to that one night?

what if I didn’t strain while I was trying to go to the bathroom so much a few days ago? (those weird pains I was having)

what if I was doing too much?

what if I was too bitchy and negative?

Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatif

Now I’m numb. It doesn’t feel real. It didn’t feel real being pregnant and now it doesn’t feel real that I’m no longer pregnant.

I have two weddings this weekend, I need to put this aside and serve my clients. To make beautiful imagery. There is no question in that.

This is so unfair, so fucking bullshit.

The waiting continues..

This morning I had my blood work and ultrasound. Everything looks normal on the ultrasound- ovaries, tubes, lining, etc.. other than the fact that the tech saw NOTHING in the uterus. What? My heart dropped. So I hope my embryo/embryos are buried in my lining and that’s why we can’t see them yet. I’m going to stop reading my Ovia pregnancy app, because the information I’m getting from it is not accurate according to this morning’s ultrasound. I was going by an IVF calculator in the first place so I’m going to forget that all for now. The tech sounded sad for me and said “Sorry you have to be on this roller coaster” to which I said thank you. So now I’m worried and waiting by the phone, as usual. Hopefully my numbers are rising and I am still pregnant.

Sigh.

20dp5dt

Ultrasound in the morning, and blood work

Dr. P called back and we chatted about what was going on. She said that sometimes progesterone can give you bad pains that feel like the REALLY bad pains. She also said it’s too early to be symptomatic for a tubal pregnancy, but she wants to do an ultrasound just in case, and to see what’s going on in there. I had some spotting that was maroonish mixed with brown but I’m back to brown again. It might be too early to see anything on the ultrasound. It’s normal to have spotting as long as it’s not bright red, so I’m trying to remain calm. I’m also getting my beta that was scheduled for Friday tomorrow morning. Adam is coming with me. It’s going to be in the far away satellite, so I had to tell work I wouldn’t be in until 10 am-ish. Also, no sexy times. I’m fine with that, not quite in the mood at this time.. haha.

So that’s the scoop. I’m sorry for the ladies who aren’t pregnant yet to be reading this. I feel like I sound crazy! I just didn’t expect any of this and the pains were so bad.

Embies are home!

So my transfer happened this morning, it went perfectly! I woke up and showered and got ready, and while doing so I was listening to NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys, as well as other teeny bopper music I used to enjoy in my youth- and let’s be honest, still enjoy now. I was bopping around and singing and dancing- I wanted to have positive happy vibes going in to this!

Dr. Plante was the one to do the transfer, so I was so excited, as so far other doctors at her practice have done my retrievals, testing, and my fresh transfer. I think that’s a good sign! She’s such a sweetheart. She told me the embryos are perfect!

I was able to take a video of my transfer when they showed us the replay. I’m unable to upload it here but here are a few screen caps!

FullSizeRender

my beautiful embryos ❤

Afterwards I had acupuncture, which I also had last night.

I’ll be going again in 4 days as that is around the time of implantation.

My pregnancy test is June 6th, and I have photography jobs this weekend- minus Monday, and something going on every night this upcoming week, and again with a photography job and an event on Sunday next weekend. I think it’s good I’ll be busy, to keep my mind off of if it’s worked this time, and to avoid testing at home- that drove me crazy last time.

Waiting as always. COME ON EMBRYOS, STAY WITH MAMA!

FET Friday!

So the pills I’ve been taking vaginally have turned my discharge blue, so that’s fun- HAHA. I never thought I’d be talking about my vagina for other people to read on the internet but hey never say never I guess.

My lining was 8.1mm this morning, yay! So tonight I’ll be starting my progesterone shots at 1CC until the 24th where I will up it to 2CC’s. I’m also going to be starting an antibiotic which I’ll be taking once a day, and continue with the estrace 3x a day orally and 2x a day vaginally.

My transfer is Friday morning at 10:45 am, and you can bet your sweet ass I’m scheduling my acupuncture for that morning or the day before, and the day after.

I’m going to try and avoid testing at home this time around- nothing good came from it and it was a huge waste of money. Here we go, ahhh!

You want me to put the pill where?

13235845_556305733843_439114710_nWell hello my old friend, Mr. Ultrasound.

This morning I had my blood work and scans. My endometrium is at 6.3mm, which is not where it needs to be. “Almost there!” as my care team said. So, they’ve upped my Estrace (estrogen pills) to three times a day orally and twice a day vaginally. So you take a pill, put it on your finger and shove it on up there, then strap on some panty liners. IVF does wonders for your sex life, if you haven’t noticed. ;P As my friend Adrianne said, “Your junk has been through way too much.” It will continue to go through things hopefully, like pushing out a baby!

So I have more blood work and scans on Sunday, in the clinic that is an hour away, on my 7th anniversary with Adam. Hopefully that brings us good luck. I’ve been cramping since I had my scans this morning, I don’t know why. So that’s the scoop for now. I for one, am NOT entirely shocked, that more waiting is part of the game at this stage. It wouldn’t be IVF if there wasn’t some waiting, would it?

Day 1, cycle 3 is here.

Shortly after I posted my last entry I started cramping up really bad. Ha! I started my period this morning. I just called my care team and I have ultrasounds and blood work in the morning. The office is an hour away. Ugh! But! I’m just glad we’re on the road again. The nurse said tomorrow afternoon I’ll get instructions to start the estrace. My comfort eating must cease and I need to get back on the healthy wagon. I also took a week off of acupuncture, so I need to start that up again as well.

Last night we went over our friend’s house and met their baby. She was so precious! I held her for a while and just watched our friends interacting with her. It was awesome to see. They seem so happy! We were only there for maybe 3 hoursand the baby fed 4 times! She was a hungry little thing. I told our friends I hoped she passed some good luck baby vibes to me for our next cycle. I woke up feeling hopeful that this next cycle works. Adam and I were both sad, but happy to have met her.

Today I had lunch with an old friend who told me about her pregnancy struggles. While she has a beautiful baby boy who is a little older than one now, she has her own struggles staying pregnant after she is actually pregnant. I had no idea, of course. Hearing her terrible journey was heartbreaking, I can only vaguely imagine how painful it has been for her. Although you don’t like to hear your friends and people you care about having the same or worse struggles with infertility, the solidarity and understanding can bring comfort in a way, as talking to them they know what you’re talking about, and what to say- and not to say.

That’s it for now. LET’S DO THIS.