Weird limbo continues. Ultra sound Tuesday.

I spoke with Dr. P. She says the heartbeat is really strong, so sadly we remain in limbo. She said sometimes it’s hard to get a good measurement this early on in pregnancy, so we just have to wait and see. I have another ultrasound next Tuesday to see what’s going on. She said if theres a strong heartbeat next week she will graduate me to my OBGYN. She said that if this pregnancy does goes to term she doesn’t want me to miss out on first trimester testing. I told her I hadn’t stopped my meds, and she said I could stop the Estrace but to continue my progesterone. I skipped last night because I felt it was over, so I’ll start that up again.

Now to add more worry, I just went and tried to have a BM and I strained. Afterward I had some pink/cloudy red bleeding down there. I called and left my care team a message. Who knows what’s going on. I’m so confused and lost. I don’t want to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one on their own to fight alone. This hurts.

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Crashed today

Well, both weddings went very well and I was able to forget things mostly. I did cry on the way home from the first wedding. Last night I was so exhausted I didn’t event think about anything. I skipped my blood draw on Saturday morning. We didn’t home until 12:30 am Friday night, technically Saturday morning. I would have to get up at 5:30 am, to get to the blood draw for 7 am, and then drive back home, sleep for like a minute, and get back up again to drive another hour for the wedding, work 6 more hours, drive another hour home. Nope. So I slept in. They emailed me and said to come in on Monday, so I’m going before work tomorrow. I’ve never missed a blood draw or appointment this whole process, but why go through all that to find out my levels are indeed dropping? Meh.

Today I visited my parents, and this afternoon was a big family party. There are 4 birthdays this week in Adam’s family. I’m introverted, so all of my social skills were drained from the last two days anyway, and I haven’t had any time to myself so I didn’t last at the party long. I came inside, went to the bathroom, had some pink/light red blood. I think that triggered things, because Adam came in and I started bawling. He held me. I didn’t go back out to the party.

I’m pretty sad and depressed. It isn’t a constant thought but I feel it in my body and my bones.

The I’m not pregnant tour is finished, I think.

So in my excitement of my pregnancy, a lot more people found out about it than I had originally intended. Of course all my co-workers knew I was pregnant, they were following along with every step. I assume my boss took care of telling them about what happened today when she helped me sneak out the door without having to speak to anyone. I received the phone call from Dr. P about an hour after I got to work. She asked me had I been bleeding? I said no. I hadn’t really been cramping anymore, either. She said she was a bit puzzled because nothing was seen in my uterus, nor in my tubes, or anywhere… but I also didn’t pass a bunch of tissue for a traditional miscarriage. She had my blood run again and it came back 211. She said she was shocked to see my blood work drop SO LOW. She said if I had had bleeding it would have made sense. So Saturday I’m going back in to have my blood checked again, but tonight I stopped all my medications.

I knew something was wrong when I was there. The tone of the tech, the look on her face. My husband said it didn’t connect for him at the time but afterwards he was thinking about how we were all cheerful and upbeat and she was very somber… and the roller coaster apology of course. I just knew. I was crying on my way to work, my mom was trying to convince me to keep up hope, it was going to be fine. Adam said it seems I have a keen sense into my own body and I’ve known both times the minute it went wrong. I think it’s that plus clues and knowledge of this IVF process. I will note this morning I grabbed my boobs and said “They don’t hurt anymore! Look!” *moves them around with hands all floppily* “I can do whatever I want!”

Also, this is silly, but my in laws bought us balloons when they found out we were pregnant. The “it’s a boy!” balloon was deflated this morning. I thought to myself GOD I hope that’s not a sign. Sigh.  unnamed

After I got off the phone with Dr. P I started SOBBING. It was so guttural and I just can’t explain it. I tried to clean myself up best I can and went looking for my boss. Couldn’t find her, so I called her. I asked her where she was in the clinic and was across the clinic, where I would have to walk in front of patients. I asked her if she could come talk to me, and I started crying again. She asked me what was wrong and I said I wasn’t pregnant anymore. She said I’ll be right there. I sat down in one of the chairs in my room and put my face in my hands and started crying again. She came in and I think I explained what happened? But mostly she just put one of her arms around me and rubbed my back. Then she sat down next to me and put my head on her shoulder and held me as I wept. I tried to apologize but she said not to. The only back up person that could do my job was leaving very shortly and I mentioned that, but that I just couldn’t stay. She said they could use one of the other machines and that there is always another option. I was hyperventilating and crying and she said “Do what we tell the patients.. breath in deep.. hold your breath.. let it out.. you have to breath.” At that point one of my co workers knocked on the door with a patient and my boss said Wait a minute! and closed the door again. She told me to grab my stuff and we’d go to the staff bathroom so I could wash my face. She asked me if I’d be okay to drive but I said my mom had dropped me off and she’d be coming to get me. She said to wash up, and leave when she was there, I didn’t have to stop to talk to anyone, that was the last thing I needed. I said thank you and she said don’t thank me, I wish I could do more. She gave me a hug and said I love you and left me be. I washed my face and called Adam. He said “What?” and sounded broken, then he started crying and asked me if I was going home. I said yes and he said he’d meet me there. I put my sunglasses on and left clinic as fast as possible, not running into anyone.

My mom took me home and I started cleaning my place immediately, and eating chips. I had been sobbing for some time, and for the car ride home, and when I got home I just numbed over. Adam got home after some time and he was crying, so I held him and my mom left, after hugging us both and saying she was sorry.

We ate our feelings, watched Jersey Shore to turn our brains off, told our in laws, and took naps. I did the I’m not pregnant tour and honestly my friend who had a miscarriage recently was the only person that I felt completely understood, which is probably because she was the only one that did.

I don’t even know what to call this. Was it a chemical? Was it a miscarriage? Was it an ectopic? I just don’t know. I don’t know what happened. Then the what ifs start…

what if I hadn’t missed that dose of metformin?

what if we hadn’t had sex the other night?

what if I didn’t use that progesterone I was allergic to that one night?

what if I didn’t strain while I was trying to go to the bathroom so much a few days ago? (those weird pains I was having)

what if I was doing too much?

what if I was too bitchy and negative?

Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatif

Now I’m numb. It doesn’t feel real. It didn’t feel real being pregnant and now it doesn’t feel real that I’m no longer pregnant.

I have two weddings this weekend, I need to put this aside and serve my clients. To make beautiful imagery. There is no question in that.

This is so unfair, so fucking bullshit.

Ultrasound in the morning, and blood work

Dr. P called back and we chatted about what was going on. She said that sometimes progesterone can give you bad pains that feel like the REALLY bad pains. She also said it’s too early to be symptomatic for a tubal pregnancy, but she wants to do an ultrasound just in case, and to see what’s going on in there. I had some spotting that was maroonish mixed with brown but I’m back to brown again. It might be too early to see anything on the ultrasound. It’s normal to have spotting as long as it’s not bright red, so I’m trying to remain calm. I’m also getting my beta that was scheduled for Friday tomorrow morning. Adam is coming with me. It’s going to be in the far away satellite, so I had to tell work I wouldn’t be in until 10 am-ish. Also, no sexy times. I’m fine with that, not quite in the mood at this time.. haha.

So that’s the scoop. I’m sorry for the ladies who aren’t pregnant yet to be reading this. I feel like I sound crazy! I just didn’t expect any of this and the pains were so bad.

Spotting! Huzzah!

I started spotting, I guess my period is officially on its way/here. They said call with Cycle day 1 and that’s full flow but I’m impatient so I called and left a message just now. It’s weird to go from dreading your period because your transfer didn’t work to elated your period is here just a few weeks later so you can do it all over again.

One of the blogs I follow today posted some bad news and I’ve been thinking about her all day. This is such a hard and painful journey.. even when you’re technically pregnant you have to wait to see if the pregnancy is viable. It just seems so cruel and unjust for people to go through not only IVF but a nonviable pregnancy- or even more than one.

IVF is not for the lighthearted, that’s for sure.