Weird limbo continues. Ultra sound Tuesday.

I spoke with Dr. P. She says the heartbeat is really strong, so sadly we remain in limbo. She said sometimes it’s hard to get a good measurement this early on in pregnancy, so we just have to wait and see. I have another ultrasound next Tuesday to see what’s going on. She said if theres a strong heartbeat next week she will graduate me to my OBGYN. She said that if this pregnancy does goes to term she doesn’t want me to miss out on first trimester testing. I told her I hadn’t stopped my meds, and she said I could stop the Estrace but to continue my progesterone. I skipped last night because I felt it was over, so I’ll start that up again.

Now to add more worry, I just went and tried to have a BM and I strained. Afterward I had some pink/cloudy red bleeding down there. I called and left my care team a message. Who knows what’s going on. I’m so confused and lost. I don’t want to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one on their own to fight alone. This hurts.

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Weird limbo.

I’ve been checking for blood every single time I go to the bathroom, as well as every time I wake up, and so far, no bleeding. I’m still quite tired but not as tired as I was, and my nausea has been very minimal. I am still getting cramps like I did when the pregnancy first started, and this makes me wonder if there is any growth happening, even if it’s not viable. I told Adam this is such a shitty limbo to be in. I can’t wait for Tuesday, just to find out what’s going on. I read one story a few minutes ago where the baby was 4 days behind with a very very slow heartbeat, second US the baby hadn’t had any growth barely but the heartbeat rose, and at the third US had finally caught up. The baby was born at 41 weeks. I’m not holding on to hope that that could be our situation, but it was interesting to read.

Yesterday I shot a wedding and there were a few pregnant ladies present, but for the most part I was in photographer mode and it didn’t get to me as it would normally.

Every morning I wake up and remember that the baby inside of me is either dead or slowly dying. It’s really depressing.

We went and saw The Light Between Oceans this evening, and it probably wasn’t the best choice in movies but I had been wanting to see it for some time. My husband wasn’t very prepared for it, even though he knew the premise. SPOILER_ in the movie the wife has two miscarriages, and needless to say we were both crying watching this film. It was a good movie, just very sad and depressing.

I’m still taking my Estrace and progesterone and I wonder if those are the causes of my cramping.

Well, that’s it for now.

Pregnancy symptoms fading

I am still having cramping, but they are fewer and far between. The exhaustion seems to be lessening- although I did sleep most of the day yesterday. I woke up at almost 9 pm and went to bed at 4:15 this morning. Here I am at work, and somehow I’m functioning.

I’m preparing for a wedding tomorrow, and an engagement session on Sunday. These things always seem to happen before a busy photography work weekend.

I called and tried to have my ultrasound scheduled in the clinic closest to me before work, and then just have the doctor call me with results. Waiting for a call back. I have absolutely no time left now because I took yesterday off, and traveling 2-3 hours for this is just not something I want to do. If I’m being honest, I was not a huge fan of the doctor I was speaking with. I’ve prepared myself for the results, and most likely will be having a D&C in the next few weeks. I’ve read cases where the fetus goes on to live, but in most of those they end up passing away, just a few weeks later.

This is really fucking unfair, man. My soul is hurting. I wonder how much longer I can do this? I shared the following post on Facebook because I couldn’t stand the secrecy any longer, and though much less people this time, I did not want to do the “I’m not pregnant (soon) anymore tour”

It’s weird being quiet and secretive about huge moments in your life. I was pregnant in June but lost the pregnancy very early. I’ve been pregnant again for 7 weeks and 4 days. Today I had my first ultrasound and they said I have an impending miscarriage with this, my second pregnancy. The baby is measuring over 10 days behind and has a very slow heartbeat. I have several IVF support groups and other places on the web for support, and my friends that did know my news have been so kind and supportive. It’s weird seeing your child’s heartbeat but being told it won’t last, and talking about your options- whether a D&C, miscarrying naturally at home, or taking pills to help the miscarriage along. Waiting for your baby to die. It sucks, dudes. I’m sick of being quiet about this stuff because there are so many of us out there going through it silently. So yeah. That’s what’s going on. I’m lucky to have a caring and wonderful husband that I can make dark jokes with but still share our sorrows together.

The responses I’ve received are overwhelming, in a good way. Private messages, text messages, messages on the post- so many women and families sharing their miscarriage stories, or just sending their love and support. Thanking me for speaking up, or telling me I’m a strong woman. It’s really crazy. I feel a little better now that it’s out in the open- my friend says I have “an army” behind me and it really feels like that.

I’m not planning any next steps until this is officially over. I’m still taking my meds. I decreased my progesterone shot to half to make it last until Tuesday, but I know it won’t do anything. You never know.

Adam said steeling himself for this only helped for the first 20 minutes, but then felt the same afterward. He took really good care of me, and I guess I couldn’t really take care of him that well. He is and was my rock.

So that’s that. Fuck, you guys.

 

edited to add- annnd now I’m nauseous. My cousin gave birth to a beautiful boy yesterday. I ran to the bathroom crying. I thought I was done but I was wrong.

Icing my bum

I have an ice pack on one of my injection sites. They’re getting more and more sore every day. It feels so good. Hopefully the next time I update I’ll be posting a BEAUTIFUL sonogram!

7 weeks 3 days today

Ultrasound 9/1

I finally got my orders close to 4. Can you imagine if I hadn’t called? I CANNOT. My ultrasound will be with Dr. W on 9/1 at 8:45 am. Though I’m sad it’s two weeks away- TWO WEEKS!- since I’m on vacation I’m going to need that time to build up a few hours in my bank to be able to make the appointment. No earlier appointment for me! I was also told to take 2mg of Estrace just once a day now instead of twice, which is great! I’m looking forward to the time when I can stop my progesterone shots and the placenta takes over. My injection sites are SORE.

Acupuncture was NOT relaxing. The woman next to me was snoring the entire time. It gave me a headache, I just wanted to get out of there. I visited with my mom afterward then came home and lounged around. I went to bed after my shot at 8 pm and I’ve been up since 1ish when Adam went to bed.

Vacation has been great for dealing with my pregnancy tiredness- I am not looking forward to going back to work.

TWO WEEKS. I got this. For now…. haha :X

FET Friday

My lining is at 7.1. Adam gave me my first shot around 8:15 pm, and I’m still taking my Estrace twice a day. I’m happy I don’t have to take it vaginally this time around, that’s a nice “break.” I started taking the antibiotics as well. I’m scheduling my acupuncture sessions for this week right after this. I’m going to yoga tomorrow night after work.

Today we went to an engagement party and there were so many kids and a couple babies. One of the couples there has a beautiful baby girl and the mom is already 4 months pregnant with her next. I wish it didn’t hurt me as much as it does to see this- because as I’ve stated- I’m happy for others, but goddamn does it hurt because you can’t have it yourself.

I guess that’s it for now.

Beta #3= 689

I had my third beta today. My results were 689. I have a 4th blood draw (are they called betas still after number 3?) on Friday. I’m a little nervous as most people seem to only have 3 and then they are on to ultrasound scheduling but I also read that you have to have an HCG level of 1000 for that.

My pain is gone today, thankfully, and I’m hoping it was just indigestion. I do feel weird, however. I feel like I can’t breathe, but I can breathe fine.. and my limbs feel weird. It must be anxiety. I’ve had anxiety my whole life, you’d think I’d recognize it by now. I used to have very severe attacks. One of my co workers pointed out that pregnancy hormones do crazy things, so that could be it. I also had to take progesterone in oil last night because I didn’t have the special compound (ethyl oleate) that I’ve been using, so it could be that, too. I feel like crying, I feel like sleeping, and I’m dizzy and just feel WEIRD.

I posted to one of my IVF support groups about my number and one woman so far said my number sound great, generally they just want to be safe. So… I’m going to try and relax. I’m still pregnant, and according to the beta calculator my numbers are rising every 2.27 days- which is good! (you want to see between 2 and 3 ideally)

So I guess that’s that for now!

Beta #1- 64
Beta #2-111
Beta #3- 689

5 weeks, 2 days pregnant

Will you stab me in the ass?

Tonight I’m going to a show with my friend Jen, and it starts around the time I do my injections. Generally my mother in law does my injections as she lives right next door, my own mother, or my sister in laws in a pinch. Adam faints at the sight of blood so he doesn’t 134do them! I’ve done the PIO (or in my case, progesterone in ethyl oleate) in my thigh before but it was SO painful and I couldn’t walk right for a day. I’m lucky I have supportive people in my life!

Last night I went to bed and was having pinching in my uterus and what felt like my cervix. It almost took my breath away! I’m hoping that was my embryos making themselves comfortable in my lining. Today I am feeling slightly nauseous and very tired. I’m hoping these are all good signs! I almost tested this morning but I decided against it. I’m not sure how long I can hold out!

Last night I had acupuncture which was great, and as I thought, I fell into a deep sleep. I was dreaming and laughing in my dreams and woke myself up twice by groaning. Ooops. I also forgot I had a pin in the top of my head and went to fix my hair and OUCH. I didn’t notice until I got home (after stopping at the grocery store afterwards!) that I had a long trickle of blood down my face. Lordy! I ordered two more vials of my progesterone, I’m hoping I get to use the both of them.

So today will consist of me trying not to lose my mind, but tonight will be fun and dancey!

5dp5dt.. c’moooon embies!

FET Friday!

So the pills I’ve been taking vaginally have turned my discharge blue, so that’s fun- HAHA. I never thought I’d be talking about my vagina for other people to read on the internet but hey never say never I guess.

My lining was 8.1mm this morning, yay! So tonight I’ll be starting my progesterone shots at 1CC until the 24th where I will up it to 2CC’s. I’m also going to be starting an antibiotic which I’ll be taking once a day, and continue with the estrace 3x a day orally and 2x a day vaginally.

My transfer is Friday morning at 10:45 am, and you can bet your sweet ass I’m scheduling my acupuncture for that morning or the day before, and the day after.

I’m going to try and avoid testing at home this time around- nothing good came from it and it was a huge waste of money. Here we go, ahhh!

Impending transfer..

So on Friday I will be having my blood work and scans done. As long as all is well I’ll be starting my PIO shots on Friday or Saturday, and then having my FET on Wednesday or Thursday of next week. I’m going in with the attitude that THIS IS GOING TO WORK THIS TIME. I WILL BE PREGNANT!

I will. I will! Goddamnit it’s going to work, and I’m going to carry to term, and I’m going to birth a wonderful baby and be the best mom ever.

Right?

RIGHT!