Healing

I had some awful cramping after my last post. They were so so bad. They were coming in waves, exactly 4 minutes apart.. like contractions! Not that I’ve ever had those. I passed a clot a few hours later. I’ve started working hard on photography stuff- everything is churning again. Energy renewed. I shot the best engagement shoot of my career, I’m building my new website- which I put 6 hours into after work yesterday- so basically I worked all day. I did my yearly expenses and profits for photography and have big plans. It’s nice to focus on something else other than my failure (thus far) to become a mom. I’ve also lost 3 pounds on weight watchers 🙂

I was really depressed but I feel it lifting. Thing will be okay.

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Well, the D&C is done.

And I took a long long nap afterward. I feel a little better emotionally already. Strange isn’t it? To say it was an emotional day is a huge under statement. I had a small panic attack this morning. I cried when I got there. I cried when Dr. V came in. I cried HARD when they brought me into the room. Everyone was so sweet. Dr. V held my hand while I cried. Dr. V said to us, and I quote “sometimes nature just pisses on you.” which Adam and I thought was hilarious and we couldn’t stop laughing about it. She said it straight faced. She also told us the sac was abnormally large so that the pregnancy was meant to end. She told me we make great embryos, it’s just a matter of getting a good one to stick. They’re going to do chromosomal testing on the tissue, and they took blood to compare mine to the baby’s. I asked them if they could find out the sex as well, to which they said yes… as long as they got a good sample. I swear to you guys it was a boy, but we’ll see. They gave me my rhogram shot while I was under, which is much appreciated. I told the anesthesiologist to “Drug me up, lady” and she sure did. I have to go get blood work on the 30th to see if my hCg has gone down to 0.

Now, the healing can begin.

Cruel dream

I had such a a vivid dream of Adam and I with a baby boy. Adam was amazing with him. We were trying to figure out a name. I also dreamed of him being around my entire family, and my dad especially. I’m so sad about it, god damn it hurts.

I reapplied for FMLA again, so I can keep my job safe. I had to report 11 full days, and 3 other days where I had appointments to go to. There’s a rule about timely reporting of these days but I was denied the FMLA. This is so frustrating because why would I report days if I was denied? We’ll see what happens. Fortunately my work is understanding.

Yesterday afternoon at work and last night I was getting cramps and pain in my back. I was also getting sharp stabbing pains in my cervix. I was scared I was going to miscarriage naturally before I had the chance to get to my appointment on Friday. Luckily I took a long nap after work and those things mostly went away.

I’m so depressed. I’m very nervous about the D&C tomorrow but I just need it to happen so I can heal.

The End.

Our baby is gone. He was measuring at 6 weeks 3 days and 6 weeks 4 days- so there were a few days of growth since last time, but obviously not a lot. The heartbeat is gone. I went to work but my boss said if I wanted to leave she understood, and so I did. I’m relieved to be out of limbo, as bad as that sounds, but I am numb and sad. I was prepared for this outcome- more so than a positive one, but it still really really sucks. I’ll be talking to Dr. Plante around lunch to discuss next steps.

Weird limbo continues. Ultra sound Tuesday.

I spoke with Dr. P. She says the heartbeat is really strong, so sadly we remain in limbo. She said sometimes it’s hard to get a good measurement this early on in pregnancy, so we just have to wait and see. I have another ultrasound next Tuesday to see what’s going on. She said if theres a strong heartbeat next week she will graduate me to my OBGYN. She said that if this pregnancy does goes to term she doesn’t want me to miss out on first trimester testing. I told her I hadn’t stopped my meds, and she said I could stop the Estrace but to continue my progesterone. I skipped last night because I felt it was over, so I’ll start that up again.

Now to add more worry, I just went and tried to have a BM and I strained. Afterward I had some pink/cloudy red bleeding down there. I called and left my care team a message. Who knows what’s going on. I’m so confused and lost. I don’t want to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one on their own to fight alone. This hurts.

Weird limbo continues.

Well, my instincts were wrong. The baby is still in there. The heart rate was measuring 156 BPM or something like that, which the tech said was totally normal. However, there has been absolutely no growth. At this point the baby is two weeks behind, measuring at 6 weeks 1 day.  It really hurts to see the heartbeat and know it’s not going to last. 1The black space around the baby is getting smaller. Thursday it was much rounder. I don’t know what that means. So yeah. Now to wait for Dr. Plante to call.

Pregnancy symptoms fading

I am still having cramping, but they are fewer and far between. The exhaustion seems to be lessening- although I did sleep most of the day yesterday. I woke up at almost 9 pm and went to bed at 4:15 this morning. Here I am at work, and somehow I’m functioning.

I’m preparing for a wedding tomorrow, and an engagement session on Sunday. These things always seem to happen before a busy photography work weekend.

I called and tried to have my ultrasound scheduled in the clinic closest to me before work, and then just have the doctor call me with results. Waiting for a call back. I have absolutely no time left now because I took yesterday off, and traveling 2-3 hours for this is just not something I want to do. If I’m being honest, I was not a huge fan of the doctor I was speaking with. I’ve prepared myself for the results, and most likely will be having a D&C in the next few weeks. I’ve read cases where the fetus goes on to live, but in most of those they end up passing away, just a few weeks later.

This is really fucking unfair, man. My soul is hurting. I wonder how much longer I can do this? I shared the following post on Facebook because I couldn’t stand the secrecy any longer, and though much less people this time, I did not want to do the “I’m not pregnant (soon) anymore tour”

It’s weird being quiet and secretive about huge moments in your life. I was pregnant in June but lost the pregnancy very early. I’ve been pregnant again for 7 weeks and 4 days. Today I had my first ultrasound and they said I have an impending miscarriage with this, my second pregnancy. The baby is measuring over 10 days behind and has a very slow heartbeat. I have several IVF support groups and other places on the web for support, and my friends that did know my news have been so kind and supportive. It’s weird seeing your child’s heartbeat but being told it won’t last, and talking about your options- whether a D&C, miscarrying naturally at home, or taking pills to help the miscarriage along. Waiting for your baby to die. It sucks, dudes. I’m sick of being quiet about this stuff because there are so many of us out there going through it silently. So yeah. That’s what’s going on. I’m lucky to have a caring and wonderful husband that I can make dark jokes with but still share our sorrows together.

The responses I’ve received are overwhelming, in a good way. Private messages, text messages, messages on the post- so many women and families sharing their miscarriage stories, or just sending their love and support. Thanking me for speaking up, or telling me I’m a strong woman. It’s really crazy. I feel a little better now that it’s out in the open- my friend says I have “an army” behind me and it really feels like that.

I’m not planning any next steps until this is officially over. I’m still taking my meds. I decreased my progesterone shot to half to make it last until Tuesday, but I know it won’t do anything. You never know.

Adam said steeling himself for this only helped for the first 20 minutes, but then felt the same afterward. He took really good care of me, and I guess I couldn’t really take care of him that well. He is and was my rock.

So that’s that. Fuck, you guys.

 

edited to add- annnd now I’m nauseous. My cousin gave birth to a beautiful boy yesterday. I ran to the bathroom crying. I thought I was done but I was wrong.