There’s a heartbeat, but…

The baby is measuring over a week behind- at 6 weeks 1 day. I’m supposed to be 7 weeks 4 days today. There’s a 1 in 1000 chance of this pregnancy continuing. I’m going to have another ultrasound on Tuesday. I saw the babies heartbeat. They told me it was really slow. They started talking about having a procedure to clear it out- but there’s a heartbeat. I can’t do that yet. So yea. Another miscarriage heading my way. This is just the worst. I still feel just as pregnant as I did before.

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HCG= 19

I just got today’s blood work back. My HCG is at 19. I have to go back again on Monday to get my blood drawn again. I want to know exactly what happened and where I go from here, but I guess my HCG levels have to completely diminish first. I don’t know when I’ll be speaking to Dr. P again, I wonder if I should call and ask.

I’m having cramping and light bleeding today.

Work has been hard, I don’t like pretending I’m okay when I’m really not. I think this weekend’s wedding madness took away all my reserves to do so.

Update- They aren’t sure what this was yet. I have a follow up with Dr. Plante on Tuesday of next week. It sounds like a chemical to me, from all my research and other ladies experiences, but I won’t know for sure until I meet with Dr. P.

Crashed today

Well, both weddings went very well and I was able to forget things mostly. I did cry on the way home from the first wedding. Last night I was so exhausted I didn’t event think about anything. I skipped my blood draw on Saturday morning. We didn’t home until 12:30 am Friday night, technically Saturday morning. I would have to get up at 5:30 am, to get to the blood draw for 7 am, and then drive back home, sleep for like a minute, and get back up again to drive another hour for the wedding, work 6 more hours, drive another hour home. Nope. So I slept in. They emailed me and said to come in on Monday, so I’m going before work tomorrow. I’ve never missed a blood draw or appointment this whole process, but why go through all that to find out my levels are indeed dropping? Meh.

Today I visited my parents, and this afternoon was a big family party. There are 4 birthdays this week in Adam’s family. I’m introverted, so all of my social skills were drained from the last two days anyway, and I haven’t had any time to myself so I didn’t last at the party long. I came inside, went to the bathroom, had some pink/light red blood. I think that triggered things, because Adam came in and I started bawling. He held me. I didn’t go back out to the party.

I’m pretty sad and depressed. It isn’t a constant thought but I feel it in my body and my bones.

I love wedding photography

I’m so excited to be photographing a wedding today, to be throwing myself into the day and creating beautiful images for the couple to enjoy for the rest of their lives, and maybe pass down in their family should they choose/are able to have children. I’m so grateful to have this wonderful wedding to photograph today, especially since it’s two of my good friends. At the reception I get to be a guest and my second shooter takes over. Best part of all? No kids in attendance.

Tomorrow’s wedding will be great as well.

At first I was scared I had these things to do but I think it’s best I get to do what I love and not sit home and mope all weekend. Last night I had my tripod out outside at 2 am and was photographing the moon. I forgot all about our loss for a while.

Tomorrow morning I’ll have some blood work and see what’s going on with that. I’ve had some cramping and pulling here and there, and I woke up nauseous but it’s gone now. It’s weird feeling pregnant when you know you aren’t anymore.

Happy Friday!

The I’m not pregnant tour is finished, I think.

So in my excitement of my pregnancy, a lot more people found out about it than I had originally intended. Of course all my co-workers knew I was pregnant, they were following along with every step. I assume my boss took care of telling them about what happened today when she helped me sneak out the door without having to speak to anyone. I received the phone call from Dr. P about an hour after I got to work. She asked me had I been bleeding? I said no. I hadn’t really been cramping anymore, either. She said she was a bit puzzled because nothing was seen in my uterus, nor in my tubes, or anywhere… but I also didn’t pass a bunch of tissue for a traditional miscarriage. She had my blood run again and it came back 211. She said she was shocked to see my blood work drop SO LOW. She said if I had had bleeding it would have made sense. So Saturday I’m going back in to have my blood checked again, but tonight I stopped all my medications.

I knew something was wrong when I was there. The tone of the tech, the look on her face. My husband said it didn’t connect for him at the time but afterwards he was thinking about how we were all cheerful and upbeat and she was very somber… and the roller coaster apology of course. I just knew. I was crying on my way to work, my mom was trying to convince me to keep up hope, it was going to be fine. Adam said it seems I have a keen sense into my own body and I’ve known both times the minute it went wrong. I think it’s that plus clues and knowledge of this IVF process. I will note this morning I grabbed my boobs and said “They don’t hurt anymore! Look!” *moves them around with hands all floppily* “I can do whatever I want!”

Also, this is silly, but my in laws bought us balloons when they found out we were pregnant. The “it’s a boy!” balloon was deflated this morning. I thought to myself GOD I hope that’s not a sign. Sigh.  unnamed

After I got off the phone with Dr. P I started SOBBING. It was so guttural and I just can’t explain it. I tried to clean myself up best I can and went looking for my boss. Couldn’t find her, so I called her. I asked her where she was in the clinic and was across the clinic, where I would have to walk in front of patients. I asked her if she could come talk to me, and I started crying again. She asked me what was wrong and I said I wasn’t pregnant anymore. She said I’ll be right there. I sat down in one of the chairs in my room and put my face in my hands and started crying again. She came in and I think I explained what happened? But mostly she just put one of her arms around me and rubbed my back. Then she sat down next to me and put my head on her shoulder and held me as I wept. I tried to apologize but she said not to. The only back up person that could do my job was leaving very shortly and I mentioned that, but that I just couldn’t stay. She said they could use one of the other machines and that there is always another option. I was hyperventilating and crying and she said “Do what we tell the patients.. breath in deep.. hold your breath.. let it out.. you have to breath.” At that point one of my co workers knocked on the door with a patient and my boss said Wait a minute! and closed the door again. She told me to grab my stuff and we’d go to the staff bathroom so I could wash my face. She asked me if I’d be okay to drive but I said my mom had dropped me off and she’d be coming to get me. She said to wash up, and leave when she was there, I didn’t have to stop to talk to anyone, that was the last thing I needed. I said thank you and she said don’t thank me, I wish I could do more. She gave me a hug and said I love you and left me be. I washed my face and called Adam. He said “What?” and sounded broken, then he started crying and asked me if I was going home. I said yes and he said he’d meet me there. I put my sunglasses on and left clinic as fast as possible, not running into anyone.

My mom took me home and I started cleaning my place immediately, and eating chips. I had been sobbing for some time, and for the car ride home, and when I got home I just numbed over. Adam got home after some time and he was crying, so I held him and my mom left, after hugging us both and saying she was sorry.

We ate our feelings, watched Jersey Shore to turn our brains off, told our in laws, and took naps. I did the I’m not pregnant tour and honestly my friend who had a miscarriage recently was the only person that I felt completely understood, which is probably because she was the only one that did.

I don’t even know what to call this. Was it a chemical? Was it a miscarriage? Was it an ectopic? I just don’t know. I don’t know what happened. Then the what ifs start…

what if I hadn’t missed that dose of metformin?

what if we hadn’t had sex the other night?

what if I didn’t use that progesterone I was allergic to that one night?

what if I didn’t strain while I was trying to go to the bathroom so much a few days ago? (those weird pains I was having)

what if I was doing too much?

what if I was too bitchy and negative?

Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatif

Now I’m numb. It doesn’t feel real. It didn’t feel real being pregnant and now it doesn’t feel real that I’m no longer pregnant.

I have two weddings this weekend, I need to put this aside and serve my clients. To make beautiful imagery. There is no question in that.

This is so unfair, so fucking bullshit.

No spotting, no period. Ugh.

Well that spotting stopped, cramps stopped, and no period has arrived. Sigh. I’m going to wait until Monday and if it still hasn’t come, call them back. I hope it does come, but I’m guessing I’ll have to take the pills (can’t think of the name at the moment) to make my period come on.

This evening Adam and I are going to his friend’s house, who just had a baby. I’m excited to meet her, and my friend’s wife, but I’m a little nervous how I’ll be around a beautiful newborn. The yearning and aching has been extra achey since the failed fresh ET. We’ll see.

Spotting! Huzzah!

I started spotting, I guess my period is officially on its way/here. They said call with Cycle day 1 and that’s full flow but I’m impatient so I called and left a message just now. It’s weird to go from dreading your period because your transfer didn’t work to elated your period is here just a few weeks later so you can do it all over again.

One of the blogs I follow today posted some bad news and I’ve been thinking about her all day. This is such a hard and painful journey.. even when you’re technically pregnant you have to wait to see if the pregnancy is viable. It just seems so cruel and unjust for people to go through not only IVF but a nonviable pregnancy- or even more than one.

IVF is not for the lighthearted, that’s for sure.

And the winner is… Celexa!

So I started Celexa this morning. According to my PCP and research, it’s one of the safer anti-depressants to be on during pregnancy. I did see some mention of coming off of it during the third trimester, or switching to Zoloft, but I’ve also read accounts of women remaining on it during their entire pregnancy and into breastfeeding. I’m going to focus on getting pregnant and staying mentally healthy until I worry about a 3rd trimester and breastfeeding 😉

I’m glad to have started the Celexa, and I hope it kicks in soon. My depression has been pretty strong since the failed ET.

In other news, I still have some minor itching on my hips where I was getting the PIO shots, and they are still bruised. I stopped the shots April 14th! Hopefully the new progesterone shots will not have the same reaction, as the itching has been driving me bonkers.

I guess that’s it for now. The waiting continues.

The good and the bad about support groups

I love love love having different communities of women to go to about this crazy IVF journey. It’s really nice to be able to talk to others that are in the middle of the same process that you are. I have an amazing support system of family and friends as well but sometimes you just need to talk about the IVF process in depth- which can be hard to discuss with someone who isn’t going through it.

Up until now I’ve been pretty damn positive throughout this process. I’d see others’ success stories and feel excited and happy for them, and don’t get me wrong, I still am, but there is a new element that I did not expect to happen. I’m so so sad sometimes. Ladies who transferred around the same time I did are posting their beta numbers, and they are pregnant. I’m happy for them, but I’m sad too. It’s taking me a little longer than I expected to get over this failed transfer.

Support, a place to ask questions and read others experiences, and a place to share your triumphs. SO good. The bad? If your transfer failed, seeing some beta numbers can make you really fuckin’ sad.

I wish I could take a mental health day. Soldiering on..