Next cycled begins 2/24!

My period showed up today. Naturally! Holy mackerel the cramps are horrendous. I used to get pretty terrible periods when I was a teen.. although not quite THAT bad, they still suck. I’m just glad it’s here! Tomorrow I start my active birth control pills, which I stop on the 21st. My baseline bloodwork and ultrasound will start on 2/24, and my meds have been sent in to the pharmacy, I just have to call them tomorrow. I have quite a few medications in my fridge that I was going to donate when it was “safe” to do so, needless to say I still have them. It’s surreal this is all happening again. I’m excited to get going.

I just started feeling normal a few days ago, and I’m about to do this all again. YEP. I’ve been going to spin class (usually at 6 am!) and yoga classes, eating better, and my mood has been improving. I also increased my anti depressants so I’m taking 30mg of celexa every day and I think that’s finally kicked in as well. I have therapy tomorrow evening, I’ve been going every two weeks.

I booked two weddings last week and in the last week and a half I’ll have had 7 consultations. Trying to do my thang here! I have a photography retreat the weekend and into the first week of my cycle, over an hour away from where I live.. Saturday through Wednesday.. I’m hoping I don’t have to drive back and forth (I rented a hotel room) but if I do then hey, gotta do what you gotta do…

Everyone is all excited for the superbowl but honestly I couldn’t care less. Oops. :X

 

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Cruel dream

I had such a a vivid dream of Adam and I with a baby boy. Adam was amazing with him. We were trying to figure out a name. I also dreamed of him being around my entire family, and my dad especially. I’m so sad about it, god damn it hurts.

I reapplied for FMLA again, so I can keep my job safe. I had to report 11 full days, and 3 other days where I had appointments to go to. There’s a rule about timely reporting of these days but I was denied the FMLA. This is so frustrating because why would I report days if I was denied? We’ll see what happens. Fortunately my work is understanding.

Yesterday afternoon at work and last night I was getting cramps and pain in my back. I was also getting sharp stabbing pains in my cervix. I was scared I was going to miscarriage naturally before I had the chance to get to my appointment on Friday. Luckily I took a long nap after work and those things mostly went away.

I’m so depressed. I’m very nervous about the D&C tomorrow but I just need it to happen so I can heal.

The End.

Our baby is gone. He was measuring at 6 weeks 3 days and 6 weeks 4 days- so there were a few days of growth since last time, but obviously not a lot. The heartbeat is gone. I went to work but my boss said if I wanted to leave she understood, and so I did. I’m relieved to be out of limbo, as bad as that sounds, but I am numb and sad. I was prepared for this outcome- more so than a positive one, but it still really really sucks. I’ll be talking to Dr. Plante around lunch to discuss next steps.

“Nothing is guaranteed”

Last night I had a therapy session- my therapist squeezed me in. Thankfully. I feel much better today after talking with her. We talked about my situation and she was saying that though she understands wanting to shield myself from what feels like the inevitable, nothing is guaranteed. I was telling her a lot of what I said here. I’m scared to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one alone to fight by himself. So for now I’m going to love him all I can, treat myself as if I were normally pregnant, and not look at the past or the future, just be in the now. I’m sure that will change the closer I get to the next scan, but what else can I do? He’s got a strong heartbeat for now, so momma will try and be strong, too.

 

P.S.- I do NOT want to be at work.

Weird limbo continues. Ultra sound Tuesday.

I spoke with Dr. P. She says the heartbeat is really strong, so sadly we remain in limbo. She said sometimes it’s hard to get a good measurement this early on in pregnancy, so we just have to wait and see. I have another ultrasound next Tuesday to see what’s going on. She said if theres a strong heartbeat next week she will graduate me to my OBGYN. She said that if this pregnancy does goes to term she doesn’t want me to miss out on first trimester testing. I told her I hadn’t stopped my meds, and she said I could stop the Estrace but to continue my progesterone. I skipped last night because I felt it was over, so I’ll start that up again.

Now to add more worry, I just went and tried to have a BM and I strained. Afterward I had some pink/cloudy red bleeding down there. I called and left my care team a message. Who knows what’s going on. I’m so confused and lost. I don’t want to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one on their own to fight alone. This hurts.

Weird limbo.

I’ve been checking for blood every single time I go to the bathroom, as well as every time I wake up, and so far, no bleeding. I’m still quite tired but not as tired as I was, and my nausea has been very minimal. I am still getting cramps like I did when the pregnancy first started, and this makes me wonder if there is any growth happening, even if it’s not viable. I told Adam this is such a shitty limbo to be in. I can’t wait for Tuesday, just to find out what’s going on. I read one story a few minutes ago where the baby was 4 days behind with a very very slow heartbeat, second US the baby hadn’t had any growth barely but the heartbeat rose, and at the third US had finally caught up. The baby was born at 41 weeks. I’m not holding on to hope that that could be our situation, but it was interesting to read.

Yesterday I shot a wedding and there were a few pregnant ladies present, but for the most part I was in photographer mode and it didn’t get to me as it would normally.

Every morning I wake up and remember that the baby inside of me is either dead or slowly dying. It’s really depressing.

We went and saw The Light Between Oceans this evening, and it probably wasn’t the best choice in movies but I had been wanting to see it for some time. My husband wasn’t very prepared for it, even though he knew the premise. SPOILER_ in the movie the wife has two miscarriages, and needless to say we were both crying watching this film. It was a good movie, just very sad and depressing.

I’m still taking my Estrace and progesterone and I wonder if those are the causes of my cramping.

Well, that’s it for now.

Pregnancy symptoms fading

I am still having cramping, but they are fewer and far between. The exhaustion seems to be lessening- although I did sleep most of the day yesterday. I woke up at almost 9 pm and went to bed at 4:15 this morning. Here I am at work, and somehow I’m functioning.

I’m preparing for a wedding tomorrow, and an engagement session on Sunday. These things always seem to happen before a busy photography work weekend.

I called and tried to have my ultrasound scheduled in the clinic closest to me before work, and then just have the doctor call me with results. Waiting for a call back. I have absolutely no time left now because I took yesterday off, and traveling 2-3 hours for this is just not something I want to do. If I’m being honest, I was not a huge fan of the doctor I was speaking with. I’ve prepared myself for the results, and most likely will be having a D&C in the next few weeks. I’ve read cases where the fetus goes on to live, but in most of those they end up passing away, just a few weeks later.

This is really fucking unfair, man. My soul is hurting. I wonder how much longer I can do this? I shared the following post on Facebook because I couldn’t stand the secrecy any longer, and though much less people this time, I did not want to do the “I’m not pregnant (soon) anymore tour”

It’s weird being quiet and secretive about huge moments in your life. I was pregnant in June but lost the pregnancy very early. I’ve been pregnant again for 7 weeks and 4 days. Today I had my first ultrasound and they said I have an impending miscarriage with this, my second pregnancy. The baby is measuring over 10 days behind and has a very slow heartbeat. I have several IVF support groups and other places on the web for support, and my friends that did know my news have been so kind and supportive. It’s weird seeing your child’s heartbeat but being told it won’t last, and talking about your options- whether a D&C, miscarrying naturally at home, or taking pills to help the miscarriage along. Waiting for your baby to die. It sucks, dudes. I’m sick of being quiet about this stuff because there are so many of us out there going through it silently. So yeah. That’s what’s going on. I’m lucky to have a caring and wonderful husband that I can make dark jokes with but still share our sorrows together.

The responses I’ve received are overwhelming, in a good way. Private messages, text messages, messages on the post- so many women and families sharing their miscarriage stories, or just sending their love and support. Thanking me for speaking up, or telling me I’m a strong woman. It’s really crazy. I feel a little better now that it’s out in the open- my friend says I have “an army” behind me and it really feels like that.

I’m not planning any next steps until this is officially over. I’m still taking my meds. I decreased my progesterone shot to half to make it last until Tuesday, but I know it won’t do anything. You never know.

Adam said steeling himself for this only helped for the first 20 minutes, but then felt the same afterward. He took really good care of me, and I guess I couldn’t really take care of him that well. He is and was my rock.

So that’s that. Fuck, you guys.

 

edited to add- annnd now I’m nauseous. My cousin gave birth to a beautiful boy yesterday. I ran to the bathroom crying. I thought I was done but I was wrong.

There’s a heartbeat, but…

The baby is measuring over a week behind- at 6 weeks 1 day. I’m supposed to be 7 weeks 4 days today. There’s a 1 in 1000 chance of this pregnancy continuing. I’m going to have another ultrasound on Tuesday. I saw the babies heartbeat. They told me it was really slow. They started talking about having a procedure to clear it out- but there’s a heartbeat. I can’t do that yet. So yea. Another miscarriage heading my way. This is just the worst. I still feel just as pregnant as I did before.

Beta #2 drawn, now the wait

I had my second beta drawn this morning, now we wait.

I feel very tired, nauseous, my boobs hurt (different than last time but they still hurt!) and I’ve been having cramping for days on days, which makes me feel reassured that the embie/embies are still in momma ❤

I wish I could take the day off and go to bed but I have vacation next week, so no time to spare!

Last night at therapy I told my therapist that I felt psycho, but after some questions she said it sounds like I’m handling things well. I’m still functioning in life and I’m doing self care. There’s nothing else I can do. I have a lengthy past of anxiety and depression and I know that I am handling everything like I should be, but on the inside I still feel crazy.

Can’t wait to hear my numbers.