Weird limbo continues. Ultra sound Tuesday.

I spoke with Dr. P. She says the heartbeat is really strong, so sadly we remain in limbo. She said sometimes it’s hard to get a good measurement this early on in pregnancy, so we just have to wait and see. I have another ultrasound next Tuesday to see what’s going on. She said if theres a strong heartbeat next week she will graduate me to my OBGYN. She said that if this pregnancy does goes to term she doesn’t want me to miss out on first trimester testing. I told her I hadn’t stopped my meds, and she said I could stop the Estrace but to continue my progesterone. I skipped last night because I felt it was over, so I’ll start that up again.

Now to add more worry, I just went and tried to have a BM and I strained. Afterward I had some pink/cloudy red bleeding down there. I called and left my care team a message. Who knows what’s going on. I’m so confused and lost. I don’t want to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one on their own to fight alone. This hurts.

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Pregnancy symptoms fading

I am still having cramping, but they are fewer and far between. The exhaustion seems to be lessening- although I did sleep most of the day yesterday. I woke up at almost 9 pm and went to bed at 4:15 this morning. Here I am at work, and somehow I’m functioning.

I’m preparing for a wedding tomorrow, and an engagement session on Sunday. These things always seem to happen before a busy photography work weekend.

I called and tried to have my ultrasound scheduled in the clinic closest to me before work, and then just have the doctor call me with results. Waiting for a call back. I have absolutely no time left now because I took yesterday off, and traveling 2-3 hours for this is just not something I want to do. If I’m being honest, I was not a huge fan of the doctor I was speaking with. I’ve prepared myself for the results, and most likely will be having a D&C in the next few weeks. I’ve read cases where the fetus goes on to live, but in most of those they end up passing away, just a few weeks later.

This is really fucking unfair, man. My soul is hurting. I wonder how much longer I can do this? I shared the following post on Facebook because I couldn’t stand the secrecy any longer, and though much less people this time, I did not want to do the “I’m not pregnant (soon) anymore tour”

It’s weird being quiet and secretive about huge moments in your life. I was pregnant in June but lost the pregnancy very early. I’ve been pregnant again for 7 weeks and 4 days. Today I had my first ultrasound and they said I have an impending miscarriage with this, my second pregnancy. The baby is measuring over 10 days behind and has a very slow heartbeat. I have several IVF support groups and other places on the web for support, and my friends that did know my news have been so kind and supportive. It’s weird seeing your child’s heartbeat but being told it won’t last, and talking about your options- whether a D&C, miscarrying naturally at home, or taking pills to help the miscarriage along. Waiting for your baby to die. It sucks, dudes. I’m sick of being quiet about this stuff because there are so many of us out there going through it silently. So yeah. That’s what’s going on. I’m lucky to have a caring and wonderful husband that I can make dark jokes with but still share our sorrows together.

The responses I’ve received are overwhelming, in a good way. Private messages, text messages, messages on the post- so many women and families sharing their miscarriage stories, or just sending their love and support. Thanking me for speaking up, or telling me I’m a strong woman. It’s really crazy. I feel a little better now that it’s out in the open- my friend says I have “an army” behind me and it really feels like that.

I’m not planning any next steps until this is officially over. I’m still taking my meds. I decreased my progesterone shot to half to make it last until Tuesday, but I know it won’t do anything. You never know.

Adam said steeling himself for this only helped for the first 20 minutes, but then felt the same afterward. He took really good care of me, and I guess I couldn’t really take care of him that well. He is and was my rock.

So that’s that. Fuck, you guys.

 

edited to add- annnd now I’m nauseous. My cousin gave birth to a beautiful boy yesterday. I ran to the bathroom crying. I thought I was done but I was wrong.

First food aversion- pork loin. NO THANK YOU.

Today has been a long day and it’s only about 1 pm. I can only describe it as “exhausted raging bitch” but only inwardly, as I work with patients, so I must be my nice and normal self outwardly.

At lunch time I couldn’t eat my pork loin. I opened up my lunch and it smelled like dog poop. I gagged. My co workers didn’t smell anything. I tried a bite. NOPE. Pregnancy is weird you guys. So I didn’t eat the pork and ate my veggies and drank my water.

That’s it I guess. The raging bitchiness has calmed down and I have a little more energy then I did. I had to lay down in the bathroom for a few minutes to get a grip on myself.

6 weeks 2 days and only 9 days away from my first ultrasound. Ahh!

7,611?!

After calling 5 times and not getting a care team member, I left a message for them saying I was going a little crazy and I would love to know the outcome of my blood test. My hCG came back at 7,611. WHAT?! I hung up with the nurse and starting crying immediately. I can’t believe it. She said the reason they hadn’t sent me orders was because Dr. P hadn’t reviewed it yet but once she does I’ll get orders in the portal for my ultrasound. I’m crying again. Oh my god.

I have acupuncture tonight. I’m in shock right now!!

Vacation cut short, staycation until Monday

I had a great time on my vacation! Swimming, kayaking, an orchestra show (which had a gnarly thunderstorm in the middle of it!) and I read 3 books!

Adam had to come home on Tuesday. I thought I would stay until Thursday but this morning I was missing him and wanted to come home earlier than that. So this morning I left at 10:30 and made my way back home. On my way home I called the fertility center and changed my blood work to tomorrow morning (yay!) and I called and ordered some more progesterone, as well as made an acupuncture appointment for tomorrow.

The whole time on vacation I had cramping (very mild) on and off, and I was SO tired. Nausea here and there. My boobs are still hurting on and off as well. I freaked out my second night there and bought some pregnancy tests. My digital test said “YES+” and it calmed me down, I still haven’t taken the second test. Today I’m 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and that was the point where I lost my last pregnancy. I’m nervous but feel mostly calm. I think being away from google and support groups really helped calm me down.

I’ve been having really vivid dreams lately, and in one of them I had quadruplets. AHH!

I’m excited and scared for tomorrow’s blood work. Let’s hope this goes well!!

Gentle restorative yoga? More like yoga naps.

Last night I had a client meeting at my studio. We were designing her boudoir album. The yoga studio I attend is right down the street, so after she left I started working on a blog post. I’m so behind blogging my business stuff. After I chose the images I wanted, I set them to convert to JPGs and laid down on my chaise lounge chair. I fell asleep listening to The Get Up Kids and woke up 40ish minutes later, finished up my stuff on the computer, and got ready for yoga.

I got to yoga and L and I talked about my pregnancy and she is currently in the (natural) tww. She has symptoms but doesn’t want to believe them just yet. Class started with 10-15 minutes of meditation. I set my intentions for my embryo/embies and had my hands on my stomach, just talking to them inwardly. After all our sitting poses with started using the pillow things and blankets and I swear it was just me basically napping in different gentle poses. During savasana I was asleep, for sure.

I’m used to going hard in yoga, a heated class at that, so getting used to this non heated class has been weird. I was walking standing up a little straighter on my way into work, so it has it’s benefits.

In the night I woke up with strong cramps, but they are gone now. My head feels heavy and hurts, and my nausea is coming and going. I’m still very tired.

I’m just hoping and hoping this is it for me. Adam is starting to even talk about there being a baby or babies in me, so he’s letting his guard down a little.

I have acupuncture tonight! Looking forward to it. Probably going to sleep through that, too- ha!

Two days until vacation!

Beta #2 drawn, now the wait

I had my second beta drawn this morning, now we wait.

I feel very tired, nauseous, my boobs hurt (different than last time but they still hurt!) and I’ve been having cramping for days on days, which makes me feel reassured that the embie/embies are still in momma ❤

I wish I could take the day off and go to bed but I have vacation next week, so no time to spare!

Last night at therapy I told my therapist that I felt psycho, but after some questions she said it sounds like I’m handling things well. I’m still functioning in life and I’m doing self care. There’s nothing else I can do. I have a lengthy past of anxiety and depression and I know that I am handling everything like I should be, but on the inside I still feel crazy.

Can’t wait to hear my numbers.

Pregnancy loss follow up, looking to cycle 4

I had a follow up with Dr. Plante today. While we can’t prove it, she is leaning toward my early pregnancy loss being a tubal one, from the intense pain I was having on my one side. She thinks the embryo was pushed out of my tube before we did that ultrasound which is why we didn’t see anything, but of course we can never prove it. So we’re just calling it an early pregnancy loss. I only have one cycle left before she has to reapply for me to get two additional cycles, which will be it for me- at least on my insurance, so we are going to do another fresh cycle. My 3 remaining frosties are a B and two C-. My insurance counts FETs as cycles so it’s like I’m getting an “extra” transfer with the fresh, unless I overstimulate like my first cycle, as well as more frosties in case my remaining 3 cycles don’t work. So! They’re sending in the paperwork and off I go in the next few weeks for cycle 4, my 3rd full IVF cycle.

The good news is I was able to get pregnant, and that if I did have a tube pregnancy, it situated itself before it got scary. Also another good thing is I got a lot of good quality eggs with my last fresh cycle’s protocol, so as long as I do the same thing again, I feel like we should be good. I hope! My optimism is dwindled and muted, but I’m trying to trudge on. Adam asked me how I felt about it after I asked HIM, because “it’s your body getting fucked with, not mine.” I told him I’ll do what I have to do, and he called me his Xena.

I guess warrior princesses don’t always feel as such.

Starting to feel so much better

My energy has returned, I do not feel constantly bitchy, I can smile and laugh more freely. Wow. That was rough. Onto “round 4.” I hope it isn’t a full IVF round.. I have 3 frosties left! I’m so happy I have an additional two cycles- the stress is so much less at this point.