“Nothing is guaranteed”

Last night I had a therapy session- my therapist squeezed me in. Thankfully. I feel much better today after talking with her. We talked about my situation and she was saying that though she understands wanting to shield myself from what feels like the inevitable, nothing is guaranteed. I was telling her a lot of what I said here. I’m scared to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one alone to fight by himself. So for now I’m going to love him all I can, treat myself as if I were normally pregnant, and not look at the past or the future, just be in the now. I’m sure that will change the closer I get to the next scan, but what else can I do? He’s got a strong heartbeat for now, so momma will try and be strong, too.

 

P.S.- I do NOT want to be at work.

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Weird limbo continues. Ultra sound Tuesday.

I spoke with Dr. P. She says the heartbeat is really strong, so sadly we remain in limbo. She said sometimes it’s hard to get a good measurement this early on in pregnancy, so we just have to wait and see. I have another ultrasound next Tuesday to see what’s going on. She said if theres a strong heartbeat next week she will graduate me to my OBGYN. She said that if this pregnancy does goes to term she doesn’t want me to miss out on first trimester testing. I told her I hadn’t stopped my meds, and she said I could stop the Estrace but to continue my progesterone. I skipped last night because I felt it was over, so I’ll start that up again.

Now to add more worry, I just went and tried to have a BM and I strained. Afterward I had some pink/cloudy red bleeding down there. I called and left my care team a message. Who knows what’s going on. I’m so confused and lost. I don’t want to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one on their own to fight alone. This hurts.

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.

I’m sitting here refreshing my orders page on my fertility center’s patient portal. I’m scared I’m going to get a bad phone call any minute. AHHH! Generally they just update the portal with information and phone calls are reserved for the “you’re pregnant!” call and the “you’re no longer pregnant” call. I’M SO SCARED. I came home after my blood work and slept as long as I could, and the rest of the time is me hitting refresh over and over again. Sometimes the website fakes me out and takes longer to load, like there’s new information there or something. Ugh.

I had a dream last night I was going in to the hospital and to give birth. My contractions weren’t close enough together so I was going to be waiting a while. I even thought to myself false alarm, and they might send me home.

Beta #2 drawn, now the wait

I had my second beta drawn this morning, now we wait.

I feel very tired, nauseous, my boobs hurt (different than last time but they still hurt!) and I’ve been having cramping for days on days, which makes me feel reassured that the embie/embies are still in momma ❤

I wish I could take the day off and go to bed but I have vacation next week, so no time to spare!

Last night at therapy I told my therapist that I felt psycho, but after some questions she said it sounds like I’m handling things well. I’m still functioning in life and I’m doing self care. There’s nothing else I can do. I have a lengthy past of anxiety and depression and I know that I am handling everything like I should be, but on the inside I still feel crazy.

Can’t wait to hear my numbers.

Beta= 217 – I am pregnant!

Woooohoo!

My beta came in. 217. I am pregnant 🙂
Dr. P says that’s a great first number and of course I’ll go back in two days to make sure it’s doubling. She says we should remain cautiously optimistic but she’s very happy with that number! Hubs is not excited because he’s scared from last time, but thinks once we get passed where we were last time that will increase. I’m excited but also cautious. Great start to my week!

Another barely there cheapy HPT

I took one again this morning. Barely there again. After work I’m going to buy the FRER tests. I don’t know what to think.

Last night and today my head is pounding, cramping is coming and going, and I just want to sleep. I just need it to be Monday.

6dp5dt

I tested again this morning.

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It’s so so faint but it’s there. My husband and I got into a little argument last night. He doesn’t want to put any stock in these faintly positive tests. Before this cycle we talked about not getting excited until it’s official official. Like heartbeat official. I told him that we can be happy about the little steps in the right direction, but he doesn’t see it that way. He said last time was devastating (of course) and he doesn’t want to preemptively get excited. I was upset with him but I have to respect his feelings. I hate that infertility steals these precious moments from us.

I had a dream I was bleeding and in my dream I said “I lost it.” I hope that’s not a sign and just my anxiety leaking into my dreams. I’m probably not going to test tonight but I probably will tomorrow or Saturday. Definitely Sunday.

Sigh. This is so hard.

3dp5dt

Of course the TWW is driving me crazy already. I don’t have any symptoms, but I wouldn’t would I? Implantation is usually 4dp5dt, so that would be tomorrow. I don’t feel positive like I did the last time. I really hope this worked. I never thought I would feel sad and bitter when I saw other people getting pregnant or having babies but it’s weighing me down. My FB is seriously just full of babies. I run my business page through FB otherwise I’d just shut it down for a while. I feel really anxious and disheartened. I can’t take this anymore with much gusto. I know I should put out the positive vibes but it’s really hard to after all this time. We’ve hit 2 years of trying as of last week. It feels like it’s never going to happen.

Plans have changed.

If I were to do a full cycle, my retrieval would be around the time my back up at work would be on vacation for two weeks, so I’d have to wait. I have my summer vacation in August, and I don’t want to be stimming or unable to swim because of ER, so I’d have to wait more. If I do wait to do the full cycle, I’d have to put it the transfer off until November or December, because I have weddings scheduled early summer 2017 already and I’d like to be there to photograph them. Ugh. So we’ve switched to an FET. I called and the nurse spoke to Dr. Plante for me. They send the paperwork and we’ve signed off on it. I hate that so many factors are deciding when I try and have a baby. Sigh. I hope I made the right choice.