He’s here! Hawk Xavier- born on 1/4/18

Well! Hawk will be two weeks old this Thursday. I knew he was going to be born during a snow storm… our egg retrieval last February was in a blizzard, and when I found out I was expecting in January, I knew immediately that he would be born in another snow storm. I was right!

So at midnight on Wednesday, January 3rd, I was moved from the antepartum section of the maternity ward over to the labor and delivery side of the maternity ward. They started my induction at 2 am with a little tampon like string called cervadil. I was 1 cm dilated already at that point. My cervix was high up and not soft. The anesthesiologist came in at one point and explained epidurals and what could go wrong if something did go wrong. Shortly after he left (he was very informative and kind!) I had my first of four panic attacks. My mom and I walked around the ward because I felt trapped just laying there, and we looked at the newborn babies in the nursery through the windows. That helped me feel better. I slept fitfully on and off after that. Around 7 am?? I had a bad headache and took some furiset.. but as I was trying to swallow that I threw it up. The nurse put one of those vomit things in front of me and I vomited pretty hard. Ugh, it was awful. They got me some anti nausea meds after that. When I’m anxious I have a hard time eating, so I think this is why I threw up. At 2 pm they checked my cervix… I think I wasn’t really dilating very much at that point, but my cervix was getting lower and softer. They put a foley balloon in at that point, which I was nervous about. They also put another dilating drug on my cervix. It was totally fine, I didn’t feel a thing! Until 5-10 minutes later, when my contractions went through the fucking roof. After getting on all fours and moaning and crying out for some time, they got me some morphine. The morphine was super helpful and it calmed me down, too. I fell into a nice sleep. My birth photographer showed up at some point. This time period is a little hazy because the morphine had me loopy. At 3 cms dilated the foley balloon falls out on its own, and maybe around 4 pm? it did fall out, when I was in the bathroom. My nurse and the doctor were super pumped about this and started talking about pitocin. I had another panic attack before they started the pitocin. My husband helped me through so much. I wish I could remember more details but the further into my labor story I go, the less I remember. They started the pitocin low and slow and ramped it up over time. I had some nubain for pain, more nausea meds, and I wasn’t really eating or drinking. At 5 or 6 in the morning on Thursday, I got my epidural. I had been in some pain and couldn’t hold out anymore. The epidural was fucking heaven. HEAVEN. I slept for a LONG time when I got it. When I woke up it was basically go time. I was in active labor for 3 hours, and I pushed for half an hour. The epidural did not touch my vagina for pushing. I can still hear my own scream noises in my head when I think back to that time. Earlier in my labor I had heard women screaming and asked my nurses if they had had epidurals. We thought they didn’t… after being one of those screaming women, I can confidently say they just might have had an epidural, lol. I wasn’t aware that there was a chance you’d feel the pushing with one! I felt an immense amount of pressure, and it really does feel like you are taking the biggest dump of your life. I felt the “ring of fire” as I’ve read about in birth books, and my nurse and doctor (a 3rd year resident) were SO amazing in coaching me, as well as my husband. My mother, father, and mother in law were in the room for the delivery. I remember telling my Dad not to look at my vagina, hahaha. They had a side view, and were behind a curtain at times. I kept telling Adam I couldn’t do it, and he kept telling me that I WAS doing it. Finally, I pushed as hard and as long as I could on that last push and I felt a huge gush. My eyes were closed and my head was thrown back, but I’ve been told that Hawk shot out of me like a harpoon, his umbilical chord flying behind him. The doctor caught him with one hand/arm. He literally flew, my baby bird! Immediately I started crying and asking if he was okay- and he was! I probably said oh my god 20 plus times, which apparently made my nurse cry. They put him on my chest and the love I felt for him overwhelmed me. I’m getting tears in my eyes just remembering that moment. He was so small and warm and I wanted to protect him from the cold world. I remember looking up at Adam who had tears in his eyes. When he was born I heard my mom let out a sob. My parents and Adam’s mom were crying with happiness. After they took him from me to clean him up and do all the measuring and weighing, I remember just staring at him from my hospital bed. I had a second degree tear which they stitched up, and they got the placenta out of me- which I asked to see in great detail. Oh! Also! The doctor asked who wanted to cut the chord and Hawk’s hand shot up and grabbed the handle of the scissors. We all stared with open mouths and had to pry his hand off. He had quite the grip! He was born at 5 pounds, 15 oz and 19 and 1/2 inches long.

Our hospital stay was fine, we need to use a nipple shield to breast feed him but he’s doing well. He had to stay an extra day because he had jaundice, but he’s okay now. I stayed in a boarder room so I could feed him every two hours.

He’s starting to fuss so I guess that’s that for now. I should have written this when it was fresher in my mind, but all my energy and time has been going to Hawk. I love him so much. I think he is the cutest most amazing baby I’ve ever seen. Sure, I’m biased.. but you know. Here are a few photos. I am so so happy 🙂 tired mom, signing off…

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In the hospital for the remainder.

Well, I’m back in the hospital as of Wednesday.

Monday night we had our last birth class and when I got home my blood pressure was 163/98. Eep! I put my feet up immediately and it started coming down. Tuesday I don’t even remember but it was a lot of napping and laying around. Wednesday I had a growth scan and an appointment with my OB. I felt like garbage that day! My BP was 168/102, so they made the decision to send me to the hospital, where I have been ever since. I have my own private room and I’m just gestating, eating, sleeping, and watching a lot of daytime TV. It could be much worse- I’ve heard about some other patients struggles with hanging out before labor for long periods of time- so I’m okay. It is what it is. I’m in the best place I can be for myself and for Hawk. I’m monitored regularly. My next ultrasound and round of blood work is on Tuesday- until then they just take my BP, do a non stress on Hawk every day, and watch my sugar levels which are great. As long as my BP doesn’t get any higher than it has (which would be severe levels), and my labs stay good, I’m starting to feel confident we will make it to 37 weeks. If he’s born before 36 weeks he will guaranteed go to the NICU. I don’t want that!! I’m looking forward to meeting him but I’m still scared of birth. I go from being calm about it to petrified. Two nights ago I was having regular braxton hicks contractions that were a new level for me- they didn’t hurt but they made me feel VERY uncomfortable and I had to breath through them. Adam was dancing around because he thought Hawk was on his way and he was excited to meet him. It was adorable. Adam has been amazing through this whole thing and I am SO thankful that he’s my husband. I miss my dog so much! That’s about it. Reporting live from the hospital bed… 😉

Maternity session, Pre-Eclampsia, hospital stay, planned induction, maternity leave..

Wowser. I don’t even remember what my last update was. To start with good stuff, we had our maternity session last Sunday- finally a bit of snow! My good friend Shannon took the photos of us and while a few of them I’m iffy about my looks (I am HUGE! lol) I think she did a wonderful job. Adam looks so handsome.. and Cal (our dog) looks so fat! Like momma! lol I can’t wait to see the rest.

 

I had my 34 week appointment on Wednesday. The night before we had our birth class and so I had been out of the house from 8 am to 9pm. My legs were crazy swollen! I took pics to show my OB..

 

She agreed they looked very swollen and checked my legs that day- which were swollen up to my knees. My blood pressure was high and there was protein in my urine for the first time ever so they put me on a monitor for half an hour. Hawk’s heartbeat was great and his movements, too. After that I got some blood work. The results came back fine and they said I did not have pre-eclampsia.

This changed. I’ve been having a harder and hard time keeping up my pace at work. It’s been getting busier, and the clinic is expansive so having to walk patients through our maze has been putting a damper on me. I’ve been miserable, but holding out! The plan was to keep working until I went into labor. That’s out the window. Friday I was feeling hot and dizzy and my legs were swollen up again, so I decided to take my blood pressure. It was high again. I called my OB’s office and they were at a holiday party. The answering service asked if it was an emergency. I said I didn’t think so. She told me to feel free to call back if I changed my mind. I polled my mom’s group on FB and they all said I should at least call. My mom said the same, and I still felt really weird, so I did. The on call doc told me to go down to labor and delivery and they would get me sorted. I just figured it would be another monitoring session and I’d get to go. They had me pee in a cup, Hawk and I were hooked up to monitors again, and I sat in the labor and delivery triage for a few hours. Let me tell you- it’s terrifying to NOT BE IN LABOR surrounded by women IN ACTIVE LABOR. I thought holy shit, that will be me in six weeks. As a reminder, my original due date was January 24th. 

I fell asleep at some point after talking with my mom and Adam and I woke up to my OB’s partner telling me the scoop. She said I definitely have pre-eclampsia now and they want to monitor me in the hospital overnight. I’m going to be induced January 3rd when Hawk is 37 weeks- as long as my BP doesn’t go any higher. I asked if I could continue working, she said no. I’m done. They moved me to a private room, they did an ultrasound- Hawk is 5 pounds 5 ounces at this stage, by the way- and they gave me steroid shots to help his lungs should he have to come any earlier than 37 weeks. I did not expect any of this! It was kind of a whirlwind. The nurses and doctors were all very kind. With bedrest my BP went down a bit and though my urine still had protein in it, my liver and kidney functions are good so I was allowed to go home. I’m not on strict bed rest perse- so I asked if I could go to work and wrap up a few things. Not take patients but delegate tasks and send some emails. The doc said that would be fine. Today I went to the movies to see Star Wars and it was not a good idea. It took everything out of me and I could tell my BP was high when I was at the theater. Pre-e is no joke. It took me all night to recover. Now it’s almost 1 am and I did some album re-designs and I’m typing up this blog.

Tomorrow the office is going to call me to tell me when to come in to see my doc- my mom will be driving me around everywhere now. They want to see me at least twice a week. My maternity leave officially starts tomorrow. The best laid plans… I’ll be back at work March 28th. I’m bummed this takes time away from Hawk and I but honestly I was really really miserable at work and it was just getting worse.

Adam has been taking such great care of me and Hawk and Cal and he is just wonderful. He said he feared he would need a kick in the ass and be lazy but he says he feels his mindset has changed and his world revolves around myself and Hawk now. He’s been amazing, I could not ask for a better partner. I think he still holds on to how he was when he was in his early 20’s (hard to motivate) but he’s a grown man now and is so responsible and caring. I cannot thank my lucky stars enough that he is my husband.

Anyway, this is kind of rambley. I can’t believe in about two weeks I’ll be induced and Hawk will be on his way. I am petrified.

33 weeks Wednesday

Trucking along here. I had a vomitty episode on Friday. I went to bed at 8:30 and woke up a few hours later. My whole body got hot and I got up and walked downstairs. I told Adam I thought I had the flu and I was probably going to throw up shortly. I did, it was not pretty. After vomiting for what felt like forever, I stopped and slowly sipped water. I have an irrational fear of vomiting so I was crying a little and just generally pissed off. After THAT I had some diarrhea, followed by more vomiting. I had already got everything up and out so I was throwing up foamy water. Adam came in and rubbed my back softly. In between pukes I told him he was going to be great in labor- I had just finished reading The Big Book of Birth that night and his presence was super comforting to me. I had A LOT of Braxton Hicks contractions all night after this, and my blood sugar was SUPER low (like 54) on Friday morning. We both took Friday off and he took care of me. I’m feeling much better.

Saturday we met with a birth photographer- annnd we found her! She was super warm, super professional, and I am comforted that she will be our birth photographer. I even cried during the meeting when she asked me what the ONE SHOT is that I envisioned the most- which is meeting Hawk for the first time. She also does a free “end of leave” session as a thank you to her clients, so about a week before I go back to work she’s going to come over and photograph Hawk and I doing our thing. So wonderful.

We’ve been making a lot of headway on the nursery- I went through my hoard and got rid of a TON of stuff- things from my childhood that I shouldn’t be holding on to- I kept some stuff too, of course. I found my old favorite stuffed animal dubbed “Bun bun” when I was young- it was a stuffed Easter rabbit from my Meme when I was young, as well as a stuffed Dalmatian that I had when I was little. I’m going to wash them both up and give them to Hawk. ❤ I got rid of 5 bags of clothes- donated them- and it’s been nice to get a lot of this junk out of the house. You can say I’m full out nesting now.

We have the crib set up, Hawk’s bureau and changing table, a pack-n-play type thing with a bassinet and a changing table built in for our living room, the glider of course with the ottoman, and I’ve done two loads of Hawk’s clothing and swaddles and sheets. Folding his clothing and putting it away made me smile. This weekend coming up we have two baby classes – breastfeeding and Newborn care, we are seeing some friends, and Sunday we are going to put in the car seats and start bringing stuff from my parents house home. We took an infant CPR and safety class last week which was great! I love that my wedding season is over, being able to hang out with my husband again has been marvelous and I just love him so much. He is going to be such a great Dad to Hawk.

I had my 32 week appointment on Wednesday and I’m doing great. Hawk is measuring right on target. At my 36 week appointment we are going to do a growth scan because of the gestational diabetes to see where he is at, then we will “go from there.” My sugar has been controlled via diet very well, so I think I should be fine- but you never know.

My pelvis is hurting worse and worse lately, and I’m starting to have trouble getting up and out of bed. I’m looking forward to getting back to yoga and spin class one day, and not getting winded walking up the stairs.

I started reading a new book- “The Sh!t No One Tells You: A Guide to Surviving Your Baby’s First Year” because I know shit is gonna get REAL.

I can’t believe he’s going to be here NEXT MONTH!

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My friend and hairdresser is due a few days after myself 🙂 Here we are at her baby shower!

Almost 31 weeks

I AM SO TIRED. This is my life now, I’m aware. If I could stop working until Hawk’s arrival I friggin would, holy shnikes. Back are the mood swings- BAD ONES- and the exhaustion. I just want to hermit in my house and rest.

Since I last posted I have been diagnosed with the fetus beetus. YEP. I have gestational diabetes. I’ve been tracking my blood sugar for the last week, and I have a follow up with the nutritionist and a meeting with an endocrinologist as well tomorrow. My blood sugar levels have been fine for the most part- so I’m hoping they will let me continue to control my blood sugar with diet as opposed to going on insulin. Happily it’s just for another 9 weeks but drawing your blood 4 times a day is a pain in the ass, I must admit.

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Me at the wedding expo this weekend- 30 weeks and 5 days pregnant

 

I finished shooting all my sessions this past weekend and I had a wedding expo yesterday. Let me tell you- this could not have happened any later. I’ve started having immense pain in my pubic bone area when on my feet for too long- which my doc says is normal- and I am finding I cannot go go go like I used to be able to. I still have a bit of editing to do, some albums to design, and some clients to meet- but boy am I HAPPY to not have to shoot any longer. This momma is done!

My co worker’s threw a baby shower for me a couple weeks ago. It was 12:15 pm and I was starving and they said I couldn’t go to lunch yet as I had a patient coming for imaging. I WAS PISSED. Then I was led into the conference room where the shower was being held. I was surprised, YUP. Also sheepish at my bad mood prior, but everyone understood- or at least pretended to. 😉

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Work shower gifts

 

This weekend I have a baby shower to attend, and after that (and before that, on Friday night) Adam and I are going to clean out and rearrange the rooms upstairs and get Hawk’s nursery ready- as well as our room. We have a bedside bassinet that we got so I’d like to get that set up.

Two weekends ago we got rid of three couches and bought a used one- so we have much more room in our living room now. We will be putting a pack N’ play in there that has a changing station and a napping station that grows with the little guy. Our glider and ottoman are now in the living room as well. Half my kitchen is baby stuff, and most of our baby shower presents are at my parent’s house. I’m looking forward to when this is all done- I can’t believe we are in single digits for Hawk’s arrival! It’s surreal.

I’ve started reading “The Big Book of Birth” in preparation, and our classes start next week.

🙂

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Adam and our dog Cal snuggling on our “new” couch. They have a special bond 😉

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Adam putting together the glider

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Me in the bathroom at my last wedding of 2017 and before Hawk’s arrival! Also, it was my 30th birthday.

Baby shower! Almost 27 weeks.

I haven’t updated in a while- I’ve been crazy busy. This past weekend I went to two concerts, had an engagement session, had Hawk’s 3D/4D ultrasound, and had my baby shower. I AM WIPED!

The baby shower was great! My mom and mother in law did a beautiful job, and we got SO MUCH STUFF. We are prepared for the little guy- at least in the way of baby equipment- lol.

One thing I did want to mention about the shower is that my cousin Kristi saved me some knitted booties that my Meme knitted her two kids when they were babies. I started crying. My meme passed away several years ago and I’ve missed her so much, to have that is so so special to me. Also, Kristi’s sister, Melissa, and her daughter, Natalie, saved a blanket Meme knitted for Natalie when she was born. They both gave me the blanket to take Hawk home in. I was so so touched. My Meme was the kindest women I ever met and I’ve ever known- she had a big impact on me. She’s tattooed on my body, for god’s sake! Needless to say I cried quite a bit when receiving those gifts.

Adam and I have made a date to get the upstairs cleaned out and Hawk’s nursery set up in mid November. I have one wedding left and three? sessions left- not to mention editing and album creation- but the end is in sight. I’ve started turning down photography jobs and referring out. I’m very tired. I had a double header wedding weekend the weekend before last and I hired an assistant for both days- what a difference!

I can’t remember if I posted about this but I had my first set of Braxton hicks contractions- which were weird! They didn’t hurt but it was definitely a new thing. They haven’t come back since.

I’m still only up a little under 20 pounds but my bump is getting big! I’ve started snoring and groaning in my sleep, with last night being the worst, so that’s a new thing for me. I have my gestational diabetes test next week and I’m NOT looking forward to drinking the Glucola, but I love sweet things so I should be okay? Famous last words? Lol.

Oh! Also, we had our 3D/4D ultrasound on Saturday, like I mentioned. Hawk was ass up, almost parallel. We had to do a lot of poking and prodding, position changing, and me jumping to get some photos of him. I felt so bad by the end, I could see him huffing and puffing, and he was starting to frown. No more elective ultrasounds for us, that was the last one.

That’s it for now I guess. Photos of my ADORABLE SON attached.

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photo of me from October 15th’s wedding.

 

23 Weeks

I am now 23 weeks pregnant, and I’m fucking tired. This weekend I have off of photography (minus a client meeting on Sunday) and so I decided to take Monday off as well to give myself a three day weekend. I still have a lot of editing, but the rest is very much welcome. At least I don’t have to wear a bra or pants at home 😉 and I can sleep in!One of my hard drives broke and I have to get it fixed.. aka I had to send it out to DriveSavers to get the data pulled off… to the tune of at least $1,700. My photography work is backed up, but some personal things were not. This means I can’t afford to outsource any weddings like I was talking about, as I need to save as much as I can for my unpaid maternity leave, and that put a big ol’ dent in my monetary situation.

Saturday I had a 5 hour wedding that absolutely destroyed my sciatica pain. I got home and laid on the ground and when I got up I was yelping and Adam had to help me to the couch. After some rest it got better, but it has flared up during the day at work, too, and sometimes at night. I have 5 weddings left to shoot.. 4 in October – two double header weekends, and one, my last of the season, on my 30th birthday on November 3rd. I can’t wait to have time to myself again. I want to nest- AND rest.

I haven’t had any cravings really, nausea has come and gone but I haven’t vomited again. I sleep when I get home from work now for like 3 hours, wake up and edit for a few hours, then go to bed and repeat the next day. I’ve been having more emotional days than not, and sometimes I’m weepy, and sometimes I’m VERY angry and irritable, and sometimes it’s both. I hate that I don’t have control over my emotions, and a lot of times I want people to leave me the fuck alone.

I can feel little dude moving around or kicking/punching, but it’s still very light. My guess is the placenta is still super pillowy. Speaking of pillows, I started using my maternity pillow I bought many moons ago and it is AWESOME.

Hawk’s name is getting a lot of mixed reviews still. We love it, so we don’t care in that regard, but it drives me absolutely crazy that people think giving us different names to use instead, or trying to convince us to change it for whatever reason is okay. This is our son, mind your manners. I appreciate it when I can tell someone doesn’t like the name but they are polite about it.  Ugh.

Anyway. I hope this didn’t come off too negative. I am always grateful that I am pregnant and our son is on his way, but I am most definitely overworked, and not in control of my moods.

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My boobs hurt. I threw up into my palm this morning. I’m tired. I’m cranky. LOL

Woof. I had a long weekend. Friday I had a wedding, Saturday I had a wedding, and yesterday I edited my ass off, as well as wrote out invitations to my baby shower with my mother, mother in law, and sister in laws. That was a fun reprieve 🙂

I’m close to finishing editing one wedding, I have 4 waiting in the wings. I’ve decided to outsource a couple weddings for editing. I don’t remember what free time is like. I’m exhausted. At $0.32 an image it won’t be cheap, but it will be worth some sanity.. and I’d like to say free time,  but I still have other weddings to edit it those weddings’ place, so let’s be real here. I have 6 weddings left to shoot, the last being in November, and then I have a break until MAY. I can’t wait.

This morning as I was getting ready for work I was doing deep breathing to avoid vomiting. At one point it didn’t help any longer and I thought I was just gagging, but no, I vomited into my palm. I ran into the bathroom and wretched hard, I couldn’t breathe because my nose became blocked up, which made things worse. Eventually I was able to stop puking and blow my nose, and resume deep breathing. I scared the shit out of my dog. I texted my co workers I’d be a little late thanks to that episode. I’ve been tired and ill feeling ever since. I want to sleep like you wouldn’t believe. I’m really cranky, tired, and have no patience whatsoever. I’ve also had a few episodes of diarrhea last night and this morning. Good times. I can fully admit I’m not one of those “I feel amazing I am mother” pregnant ladies. I’m tired and bitchy. It is what it is. Don’t get me wrong, I WILL TAKE IT! It’s taken me years to get here, but I just want to go to bed.

Also, my nipple is so sore I can’t even brush it. Wtf is up with that? The whole boob is sore. Meh. End bitchy post!

22 weeks on Wednesday.

21 Weeks pregnant

Today is 21 weeks. I am tired and I am cranky, haha.

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I have 8 weddings left for the season. I love photography but man I need a break. Two weddings this weekend and a family session. I’m going a little nuts. By the end of the weekend I will have 4 and a half weddings and a family session to edit.

I’ve been sleeping a ton lately. I was supposed to go to yoga yesterday- HA. Nope. I started taking Zantac and that’s been helping with the heartburn which has been a huge relief.

I guess that’s it for now. Sludging through work continues…

20 Weeks today- we’re half way!

Had my 20 week check up and anatomy scan today. Turns out my placenta is in between little man and myself which is why I haven’t felt TOO much in the way of movement or kicks- and if I do feel things it will be on the sides of my belly- which is true! I’ve felt a few flutters and flicks over there before. So a while longer but that’s okay.

He is measuring RIGHT on target, which is great! We got to see everything- his arms, his legs, his hands, his feet, his bladder, his stomach, his kidneys, his heart and it’s 4 chambers pumping away, his brain, his abdomen.. etc etc. He looks great, is measuring great, and my doctor said we are now at the cruising stage of pregnancy. Adam was super grossed out by the whole thing except the profile shots- he gets very squeamish. I probably said “cool” like 200 times- hahaha.

I asked my doc about my heartburn and she said it would be okay to take Zantec to help, twice a day. I also mentioned my sciatic pain I’ve been getting and she gave me a few exercises I can do and told me to do yoga. I’ve been so tired I have totally dropped the ball on yoga AND exercising. I’ll do my best!

I haven’t gained any weight and she said that’s okay as long as the baby is okay- which he is! She said since I started out a little overweight she is not worried about it.

I signed Adam and I up for all of our classes- starting in late November and going into December. Prepared childbirth, Newborn care, Breastfeeding, and Infant CPR and Safety.

I guess that’s it for now. I can’t believe we are halfway there!!