Is this the end? I don’t know.

I woke up at 4 am with some sharp sharp pains. I couldn’t tell if they were gas pains (I have IBS) or in my uterus. I went back to sleep. I’ve had a few one off sharp pains today that I know for sure were in my uterus. I’m also getting random sharp pains in my cervix but they come and go so quickly I forget about them. Other than that everything feels quiet down in my womb. Just after typing that I felt a twinge. I hate not knowing what’s happening. I started googling “strong heartbeat but two weeks behind” again and I’ve read the same posts over and over again. I go from positive to negative so much I don’t know which was is up. This really sucks. I need tomorrow morning to happen. I am 9 weeks and 1 day today.

Edited to add- and now 12 minutes later I have some nausea and I remember that I also woke up with night sweats last night- which has only been a thing for me since I’ve been pregnant. Tricky tricky.

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Only a few more days.

I’ve been feeling pregnant still. I’m not really overanalyzing my symptoms like I was. Sore boobs now and then, cramping (like before), and I’ve been really tired. Sometimes I wake up feeling sick like I was. I ask my little one all the time if they’re still hanging around. I figure he must be if I can feel these things, but you never know I guess. I’m prepared for either outcome, but I’m hoping for the best. I’m tired.

 

“Nothing is guaranteed”

Last night I had a therapy session- my therapist squeezed me in. Thankfully. I feel much better today after talking with her. We talked about my situation and she was saying that though she understands wanting to shield myself from what feels like the inevitable, nothing is guaranteed. I was telling her a lot of what I said here. I’m scared to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one alone to fight by himself. So for now I’m going to love him all I can, treat myself as if I were normally pregnant, and not look at the past or the future, just be in the now. I’m sure that will change the closer I get to the next scan, but what else can I do? He’s got a strong heartbeat for now, so momma will try and be strong, too.

 

P.S.- I do NOT want to be at work.

Weird limbo continues. Ultra sound Tuesday.

I spoke with Dr. P. She says the heartbeat is really strong, so sadly we remain in limbo. She said sometimes it’s hard to get a good measurement this early on in pregnancy, so we just have to wait and see. I have another ultrasound next Tuesday to see what’s going on. She said if theres a strong heartbeat next week she will graduate me to my OBGYN. She said that if this pregnancy does goes to term she doesn’t want me to miss out on first trimester testing. I told her I hadn’t stopped my meds, and she said I could stop the Estrace but to continue my progesterone. I skipped last night because I felt it was over, so I’ll start that up again.

Now to add more worry, I just went and tried to have a BM and I strained. Afterward I had some pink/cloudy red bleeding down there. I called and left my care team a message. Who knows what’s going on. I’m so confused and lost. I don’t want to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one on their own to fight alone. This hurts.

Weird limbo continues.

Well, my instincts were wrong. The baby is still in there. The heart rate was measuring 156 BPM or something like that, which the tech said was totally normal. However, there has been absolutely no growth. At this point the baby is two weeks behind, measuring at 6 weeks 1 day.  It really hurts to see the heartbeat and know it’s not going to last. 1The black space around the baby is getting smaller. Thursday it was much rounder. I don’t know what that means. So yeah. Now to wait for Dr. Plante to call.

I think he’s gone.

Before I went to sleep last night, or.. this morning at 3 am, I had a little talk with my baby. All along I’ve felt he’s a boy, so I’m going to refer to him as a he. I told him that I’d love for him to stay, and that his dad is awesome and I’m cool too and we’d love to have him with us. I also told him that if he needed to go, that was okay too, and to take his time about it. His body is my body. I prayed some, and as you may know, I’m shakey at best in any faith, and just had my hands on my stomach the entire time. A few minutes after I was done and falling asleep I felt a little “pop” in my womb. I tried to look it up but got only 2nd trimester information, so I shrugged it off and fell asleep.

This morning I woke up and felt different. It’s hard to explain. I feel empty. I feel like he’s gone. I don’t feel him anymore. I tried to explain it to Adam but it’s hard to put into words. I feel alone, like it’s just me again, and my little one is gone and doesn’t need my body anymore. Adam asked me if I was sad and I said I’ve been sad. I just feel numb I guess. A sense of dread washed over me for tomorrow’s scan. I guess we’ll see.

Weird limbo.

I’ve been checking for blood every single time I go to the bathroom, as well as every time I wake up, and so far, no bleeding. I’m still quite tired but not as tired as I was, and my nausea has been very minimal. I am still getting cramps like I did when the pregnancy first started, and this makes me wonder if there is any growth happening, even if it’s not viable. I told Adam this is such a shitty limbo to be in. I can’t wait for Tuesday, just to find out what’s going on. I read one story a few minutes ago where the baby was 4 days behind with a very very slow heartbeat, second US the baby hadn’t had any growth barely but the heartbeat rose, and at the third US had finally caught up. The baby was born at 41 weeks. I’m not holding on to hope that that could be our situation, but it was interesting to read.

Yesterday I shot a wedding and there were a few pregnant ladies present, but for the most part I was in photographer mode and it didn’t get to me as it would normally.

Every morning I wake up and remember that the baby inside of me is either dead or slowly dying. It’s really depressing.

We went and saw The Light Between Oceans this evening, and it probably wasn’t the best choice in movies but I had been wanting to see it for some time. My husband wasn’t very prepared for it, even though he knew the premise. SPOILER_ in the movie the wife has two miscarriages, and needless to say we were both crying watching this film. It was a good movie, just very sad and depressing.

I’m still taking my Estrace and progesterone and I wonder if those are the causes of my cramping.

Well, that’s it for now.

Pregnancy symptoms fading

I am still having cramping, but they are fewer and far between. The exhaustion seems to be lessening- although I did sleep most of the day yesterday. I woke up at almost 9 pm and went to bed at 4:15 this morning. Here I am at work, and somehow I’m functioning.

I’m preparing for a wedding tomorrow, and an engagement session on Sunday. These things always seem to happen before a busy photography work weekend.

I called and tried to have my ultrasound scheduled in the clinic closest to me before work, and then just have the doctor call me with results. Waiting for a call back. I have absolutely no time left now because I took yesterday off, and traveling 2-3 hours for this is just not something I want to do. If I’m being honest, I was not a huge fan of the doctor I was speaking with. I’ve prepared myself for the results, and most likely will be having a D&C in the next few weeks. I’ve read cases where the fetus goes on to live, but in most of those they end up passing away, just a few weeks later.

This is really fucking unfair, man. My soul is hurting. I wonder how much longer I can do this? I shared the following post on Facebook because I couldn’t stand the secrecy any longer, and though much less people this time, I did not want to do the “I’m not pregnant (soon) anymore tour”

It’s weird being quiet and secretive about huge moments in your life. I was pregnant in June but lost the pregnancy very early. I’ve been pregnant again for 7 weeks and 4 days. Today I had my first ultrasound and they said I have an impending miscarriage with this, my second pregnancy. The baby is measuring over 10 days behind and has a very slow heartbeat. I have several IVF support groups and other places on the web for support, and my friends that did know my news have been so kind and supportive. It’s weird seeing your child’s heartbeat but being told it won’t last, and talking about your options- whether a D&C, miscarrying naturally at home, or taking pills to help the miscarriage along. Waiting for your baby to die. It sucks, dudes. I’m sick of being quiet about this stuff because there are so many of us out there going through it silently. So yeah. That’s what’s going on. I’m lucky to have a caring and wonderful husband that I can make dark jokes with but still share our sorrows together.

The responses I’ve received are overwhelming, in a good way. Private messages, text messages, messages on the post- so many women and families sharing their miscarriage stories, or just sending their love and support. Thanking me for speaking up, or telling me I’m a strong woman. It’s really crazy. I feel a little better now that it’s out in the open- my friend says I have “an army” behind me and it really feels like that.

I’m not planning any next steps until this is officially over. I’m still taking my meds. I decreased my progesterone shot to half to make it last until Tuesday, but I know it won’t do anything. You never know.

Adam said steeling himself for this only helped for the first 20 minutes, but then felt the same afterward. He took really good care of me, and I guess I couldn’t really take care of him that well. He is and was my rock.

So that’s that. Fuck, you guys.

 

edited to add- annnd now I’m nauseous. My cousin gave birth to a beautiful boy yesterday. I ran to the bathroom crying. I thought I was done but I was wrong.

Icing my bum

I have an ice pack on one of my injection sites. They’re getting more and more sore every day. It feels so good. Hopefully the next time I update I’ll be posting a BEAUTIFUL sonogram!

7 weeks 3 days today

2 more days until ultrasound!

I’m assuming if I’m still feeling all these pregnancy symptoms I must be still pregnant and Baby C must still be the one sucking all of my energy. That’s okay baby, Momma is here for that!

Adam thought our scan was the 21ST and last night we were talking about it and he was like wait.. what? He was just telling his brother how he’d be feeling better in a few weeks after the scan- haha!

I can’t wait. 2. MORE. DAYS!!

(7 weeks 2 days today)