The I’m not pregnant tour is finished, I think.

So in my excitement of my pregnancy, a lot more people found out about it than I had originally intended. Of course all my co-workers knew I was pregnant, they were following along with every step. I assume my boss took care of telling them about what happened today when she helped me sneak out the door without having to speak to anyone. I received the phone call from Dr. P about an hour after I got to work. She asked me had I been bleeding? I said no. I hadn’t really been cramping anymore, either. She said she was a bit puzzled because nothing was seen in my uterus, nor in my tubes, or anywhere… but I also didn’t pass a bunch of tissue for a traditional miscarriage. She had my blood run again and it came back 211. She said she was shocked to see my blood work drop SO LOW. She said if I had had bleeding it would have made sense. So Saturday I’m going back in to have my blood checked again, but tonight I stopped all my medications.

I knew something was wrong when I was there. The tone of the tech, the look on her face. My husband said it didn’t connect for him at the time but afterwards he was thinking about how we were all cheerful and upbeat and she was very somber… and the roller coaster apology of course. I just knew. I was crying on my way to work, my mom was trying to convince me to keep up hope, it was going to be fine. Adam said it seems I have a keen sense into my own body and I’ve known both times the minute it went wrong. I think it’s that plus clues and knowledge of this IVF process. I will note this morning I grabbed my boobs and said “They don’t hurt anymore! Look!” *moves them around with hands all floppily* “I can do whatever I want!”

Also, this is silly, but my in laws bought us balloons when they found out we were pregnant. The “it’s a boy!” balloon was deflated this morning. I thought to myself GOD I hope that’s not a sign. Sigh.  unnamed

After I got off the phone with Dr. P I started SOBBING. It was so guttural and I just can’t explain it. I tried to clean myself up best I can and went looking for my boss. Couldn’t find her, so I called her. I asked her where she was in the clinic and was across the clinic, where I would have to walk in front of patients. I asked her if she could come talk to me, and I started crying again. She asked me what was wrong and I said I wasn’t pregnant anymore. She said I’ll be right there. I sat down in one of the chairs in my room and put my face in my hands and started crying again. She came in and I think I explained what happened? But mostly she just put one of her arms around me and rubbed my back. Then she sat down next to me and put my head on her shoulder and held me as I wept. I tried to apologize but she said not to. The only back up person that could do my job was leaving very shortly and I mentioned that, but that I just couldn’t stay. She said they could use one of the other machines and that there is always another option. I was hyperventilating and crying and she said “Do what we tell the patients.. breath in deep.. hold your breath.. let it out.. you have to breath.” At that point one of my co workers knocked on the door with a patient and my boss said Wait a minute! and closed the door again. She told me to grab my stuff and we’d go to the staff bathroom so I could wash my face. She asked me if I’d be okay to drive but I said my mom had dropped me off and she’d be coming to get me. She said to wash up, and leave when she was there, I didn’t have to stop to talk to anyone, that was the last thing I needed. I said thank you and she said don’t thank me, I wish I could do more. She gave me a hug and said I love you and left me be. I washed my face and called Adam. He said “What?” and sounded broken, then he started crying and asked me if I was going home. I said yes and he said he’d meet me there. I put my sunglasses on and left clinic as fast as possible, not running into anyone.

My mom took me home and I started cleaning my place immediately, and eating chips. I had been sobbing for some time, and for the car ride home, and when I got home I just numbed over. Adam got home after some time and he was crying, so I held him and my mom left, after hugging us both and saying she was sorry.

We ate our feelings, watched Jersey Shore to turn our brains off, told our in laws, and took naps. I did the I’m not pregnant tour and honestly my friend who had a miscarriage recently was the only person that I felt completely understood, which is probably because she was the only one that did.

I don’t even know what to call this. Was it a chemical? Was it a miscarriage? Was it an ectopic? I just don’t know. I don’t know what happened. Then the what ifs start…

what if I hadn’t missed that dose of metformin?

what if we hadn’t had sex the other night?

what if I didn’t use that progesterone I was allergic to that one night?

what if I didn’t strain while I was trying to go to the bathroom so much a few days ago? (those weird pains I was having)

what if I was doing too much?

what if I was too bitchy and negative?


Now I’m numb. It doesn’t feel real. It didn’t feel real being pregnant and now it doesn’t feel real that I’m no longer pregnant.

I have two weddings this weekend, I need to put this aside and serve my clients. To make beautiful imagery. There is no question in that.

This is so unfair, so fucking bullshit.

I’m agnostic.

I was raised catholic. I was baptized as a baby, I have a God mother and God father, I used to go to church every Sunday. I went to catholic school for a couple of years. I made my first communion, I made my confirmation, and then- I was out. I remember as far back as a child not fully believing in what I was being taught. The body and blood of christ for communion always freaked me out, and a lot of Catholicism I cannot and will not get behind- i.e., gay marriage being a sin, not living together before marriage, all of that stuff.

I’ve always wondered why, with all of the religions in the world, why is christianity the ONE true religion? Who says? Also, the fact that the bible has been translated many times over never sat well with me. Have you ever played a simple game of telephone? Things get twisted QUICKLY. I won’t go as far as saying I’m atheist- I still pray and believe in some higher power, I’m just not sure what it is. I have spirituality. I believe in energy sticking around after someone’s passed- ghosts. I’ve had several experiences with ghosts.

Adam was raised christian. His parents have bounced around to different christian sects (is that how you phrase it?) and are still very active within church. Adam has a relationship with Jesus, or God, and that’s great. I support him. The other night I told him the older I get the more I think that I’m agnostic, and he told me he could tell. I never put a label on it until this past Sunday. On mother’s day we went to church with his mother, and after that service I knew for sure that it was not for me. I didn’t feel connected, or comforted, or anything. At the end of the service was a “Trust and Obey” song that made me feel very uncomfortable. As my therapist said, though, it’s all perspective. Some people take comfort in that kind of thing- I just don’t. That’s okay!

Yesterday I was googling “Do agnostics go to hell?” – can’t escape that former catholic guilt, I guess. Honestly, to me, I’ve always believed that God or whatever higher power there was, would judge us based on our morals and the intention in our hearts. I feel that I have a good moral compass and I try to be kind and fair to others, because that’s how I feel the world should run. I don’t think I’ll be condemned to hell for being unsure if there is a hell in the first place.

In regards to our children, Adam and I have discussed that we will teach them both our viewpoints, teach them that there are many religions in the world, and they’re going to decide for themselves. We won’t be getting them baptized or any of those things, either.

So, yea. I’m agnostic, I’m admitting it finally. I hope religious people reading my blog don’t take offense to this, but it’s my truth.