Meds- ordered. It’s happening again!

I’ve been pretty numb to starting another cycle until today. I can’t believe we are here again. Not necessarily in a bad way, it just feels surreal. I feel so much older and in the grand scheme of things it hasn’t been that long. I was chatting with my therapist about how I’m finally getting back to normal and out of my depressive episode and I’m throwing myself back in this again. I just have to keep up the self care. I’ve booked 4 weddings since my last update, so that’s definitely been a boost! If I get pregnant next month, I don’t foresee any issues with any of the weddings, especially since two of them are for summer and fall of 2018. My last wedding of this season is currently in mid October, which would put me at roughly 7 months pregnant, if I get pregnant next month, and if it lasts. I have plans for if I’m on bed rest, and will be hiring extra help. I’m getting ahead of myself of course, but you need to have a plan when you’re responsible for someone’s wedding photos! A lot of photographers I know keep shooting up until the last few weeks of their pregnancies! So we’ll see.

I’ve been exercising a lot and I’m not losing weight but gaining. I think it’s because I’m gaining muscle. My tummy and face have slimmed down and several people have remarked how I look thinner. My aunt said “You got skinny!” I’ve been eating really well, too. I’m going to schedule my first acupuncture session for next week, to get a few “on the books” before I get to my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork the 24th. I have a photography retreat at the end of the month which I’m looking forward to as well.

I hope 2017 fucking rules!

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Next cycled begins 2/24!

My period showed up today. Naturally! Holy mackerel the cramps are horrendous. I used to get pretty terrible periods when I was a teen.. although not quite THAT bad, they still suck. I’m just glad it’s here! Tomorrow I start my active birth control pills, which I stop on the 21st. My baseline bloodwork and ultrasound will start on 2/24, and my meds have been sent in to the pharmacy, I just have to call them tomorrow. I have quite a few medications in my fridge that I was going to donate when it was “safe” to do so, needless to say I still have them. It’s surreal this is all happening again. I’m excited to get going.

I just started feeling normal a few days ago, and I’m about to do this all again. YEP. I’ve been going to spin class (usually at 6 am!) and yoga classes, eating better, and my mood has been improving. I also increased my anti depressants so I’m taking 30mg of celexa every day and I think that’s finally kicked in as well. I have therapy tomorrow evening, I’ve been going every two weeks.

I booked two weddings last week and in the last week and a half I’ll have had 7 consultations. Trying to do my thang here! I have a photography retreat the weekend and into the first week of my cycle, over an hour away from where I live.. Saturday through Wednesday.. I’m hoping I don’t have to drive back and forth (I rented a hotel room) but if I do then hey, gotta do what you gotta do…

Everyone is all excited for the superbowl but honestly I couldn’t care less. Oops. :X

 

Follow up, on to the next cycle

I had my F/U with Dr. Plante today. Adam’s sperm analysis was worse that it was the last two times. His morphology is bad, as well as the motility, and the count of course. He went from 4% (of something..) to 1%. She said we can still proceed, and we aren’t in donor sperm territory. The many polyps she removed were probably from the hormone treatments, and probably did not lend themselves to my miscarriage. They will most likely come back. She said with this new sperm analysis things are becoming a little more clear to her, and most likely it’s a sperm issue as opposed to an egg issue. I asked her if there was anything Adam could do to improve his numbers, and she said he can go back to see the Uriologist, and that sometimes Clomid helps. So he’s going to do that. We’re waiting on one of his blood tests to come back, and once it does in a week and a half or so, we will be ready to submit to insurance. My body has some time off, until my period for this month comes. Then it will be Day 1 and we’ll be on our way again.

I hope 2017 is the year.

It just hurts.

I’ve been avoiding Facebook lately, happy to work on my photography business or read a book. I just finished The Fiery Cross, book number 5 of the Outlander series. Straight onto book number 6..

anyway, I decided to check out FB today and the first dozen posts were happy pregnant ladies or babies. I can’t. It seriously crushes me. Instagram is the same. I quickly Xed out of Facebook. Adam’s good friend and his wife are expecting baby number 2, due in August. I can’t escape everyone’s joy and due dates and baby news. I almost started to cry when he told me. I can’t explain how awful it feels to be upset at such happy news but also happy for them at the same time, but mostly in your own sorrow. I’m sure a lot of you understand, have been there at some point.

Tomorrow I have my follow up with Dr. Plante, and then once Adam’s blood tests come back we will be submitting to insurance to start our next cycle.

 

Hysteroscopy/biopsy, no cycle in sight.

I had a follow up with Dr. P today. They did a version of HSG without the dye.. I can’t remember what it’s called- but they put a balloon into your uterus and check it out on the ultra sound. My uterus wasn’t smooth- but kinda weird and bumpy. So they’re going to do a hysteroscopy and a biopsy at the same time to make sure nothing is infected, all the tissue from my miscarriage is gone, and there are no polyps. We didn’t end up talking next steps and are saving it for after the hysteroscopy. One of my blood tests came back faintly positive for blood clotting but my Dr said it’s one point past positive and she doesn’t think it’s relevant, so we’ll be re testing for that. Adam has to re-up on all his blood tests/semen analysis. They haven’t scheduled the hysteroscopy/biopsy yet so who knows when we can cycle again.

I’m disheartened but, oh well. We trudge on.

Follow up pushed back. Thanks Quest.

I’m supposed to have my F/U with Dr. Plante tomorrow, but the Quest where I got my recurrent pregnancy loss panel done messed up and my blood work was never sent out. Sigh. I just had it redrawn and I have a new F/U scheduled for 11/29. The lady at Quest got mad at me when I brought up the first blood draw and said my fertility center was just saying things because they have to. She never apologized. She said that they received paperwork after I had my blood draw. Okay.. so you just sat on it and did nothing?

I trust my fertility center a lot more than I trust her!

The waiting continues as always.

Blood work next week

Things have been getting easier, and that might be because I’ve been avoiding coming here and reading everyone’s blogs and well as anything pregnancy related. I feel sad now that I’m back here reading your blogs. Ugh, lame. My friend passed away last week and that’s been on my mind a lot. He was so so young, just 35. I wasn’t able to attend his funeral because of my work and that still has me so upset. I did go to his wake. We worked together and my previous job and all of us photographers were in an office that was literally two closets combined. We are like a family, and one of us is gone. It sucks. Real bad.

Next week I’m having blood work to see if my pregnancy hormones are gone. I’ve decided not to take a break as long as it’s physically okay for me. I’ve got 5 weddings booked for next year, one pending, and a wedding show in November and January, so likely more bookings- which is great! But waiting for wedding season to be over will just be a cycle. My best business friend said it might not work again, and if it does, I have 9 months to plan for any of the weddings should they happen to fall in line where I couldn’t shoot them. I feel bad, anytime I book a client I am invested in them and want to shoot their wedding, but she’s right. I can’t put my life on hold. So that’s what’s going on now.

It was a she. She was a girl.

I got the phone call about the genetic testing of the pregnancy tissue. Basically it was normal and they don’t know what caused the miscarriage, and there was no mother infiltration. “We’re still in limbo.” Dr. P says. I need additional testing. One of the doctors I worked for started talking to me while my doctor was talking on the phone so I was half in and half out of the conversation. I’m so frustrated about that. The baby was a girl. I’m devastated all over again. I had to do a patient immediately and the patient had an interpreter and another person in the room and I just wanted everyone to be quiet for a minute. After that the doctor came in and had 3 med students with him and everything was so loud, and the phone was ringing off the hook and no one was on the line and I just wanted to fucking SCREAM.

After a quick cry in the bathroom and a quick chat with Adam I’m back at my desk.

Next steps

Well, Friday SHOULD be my D&C, but I’m waiting for a call tomorrow to confirm. I have to get a rhogam shot because my blood is O-.. this is the first I’m hearing about it that pertains to me. I’m also going to be doing some additional testing after my hCg levels return to negative.

I’ve decided to take a break after this. I am hoping to get one more retrieval in before the year ends as I will be changing insurances so we’ll have more than two more attempts left. I wish they didn’t count frozen transfers as a cycle, I still think that’s bogus, but I have to remember I’m lucky and a lot of people pay out of pocket for it all. I won’t be able to do a transfer until February probably, because of wedding photography schedules. Who knows what I will end up doing. I know this break is good for me, but another part of me wants this so bad I want to continue and to not waste any time.

I had ordered a fitbit, some new sneakers, and wireless headphones Monday night. I’ve put on 20 pounds since I started the IVF portion of our TTC journey and was overweight before that, so I’m looking to lose 30-40 pounds. I’m going to focus on getting fit and healthy again for the time being.

I’ve silenced most of my IVF support groups on FB so I don’t have to read about anything, and I left the pregnancy groups. I don’t know how active I’ll be around here, but I’ll try my best to keep up with you all. I’m sure I’ll be posting after my D&C and such, but after that I might lay off.