Well, my instincts were wrong. The baby is still in there. The heart rate was measuring 156 BPM or something like that, which the tech said was totally normal. However, there has been absolutely no growth. At this point the baby is two weeks behind, measuring at 6 weeks 1 day. It really hurts to see the heartbeat and know it’s not going to last. The black space around the baby is getting smaller. Thursday it was much rounder. I don’t know what that means. So yeah. Now to wait for Dr. Plante to call.
Before I went to sleep last night, or.. this morning at 3 am, I had a little talk with my baby. All along I’ve felt he’s a boy, so I’m going to refer to him as a he. I told him that I’d love for him to stay, and that his dad is awesome and I’m cool too and we’d love to have him with us. I also told him that if he needed to go, that was okay too, and to take his time about it. His body is my body. I prayed some, and as you may know, I’m shakey at best in any faith, and just had my hands on my stomach the entire time. A few minutes after I was done and falling asleep I felt a little “pop” in my womb. I tried to look it up but got only 2nd trimester information, so I shrugged it off and fell asleep.
This morning I woke up and felt different. It’s hard to explain. I feel empty. I feel like he’s gone. I don’t feel him anymore. I tried to explain it to Adam but it’s hard to put into words. I feel alone, like it’s just me again, and my little one is gone and doesn’t need my body anymore. Adam asked me if I was sad and I said I’ve been sad. I just feel numb I guess. A sense of dread washed over me for tomorrow’s scan. I guess we’ll see.
Dr. Plante called to check in on me. In comparison to other doctor I saw, she had so much warmth and care in her voice. Adam had said yesterday it felt like the other doctor was acting, but Dr. P sounded so genuine. She made me feel cared for.She had a little more hope in her than the other doc, but I am still prepared for the worst. I am getting my ultrasound on Tuesday in the office closer to me and I won’t have to go see that other doctor which I am so thankful for. Dr. P said it could go either way, and she hopes and prays the baby will have improved by Tuesday, but that it usually goes the way we don’t want it to go. Then she asked me about my weekend and what I was doing and how I was holding up, if I was okay. I really really appreciate her. I’m so thankful for people like her. I really am.
I am still having cramping, but they are fewer and far between. The exhaustion seems to be lessening- although I did sleep most of the day yesterday. I woke up at almost 9 pm and went to bed at 4:15 this morning. Here I am at work, and somehow I’m functioning.
I’m preparing for a wedding tomorrow, and an engagement session on Sunday. These things always seem to happen before a busy photography work weekend.
I called and tried to have my ultrasound scheduled in the clinic closest to me before work, and then just have the doctor call me with results. Waiting for a call back. I have absolutely no time left now because I took yesterday off, and traveling 2-3 hours for this is just not something I want to do. If I’m being honest, I was not a huge fan of the doctor I was speaking with. I’ve prepared myself for the results, and most likely will be having a D&C in the next few weeks. I’ve read cases where the fetus goes on to live, but in most of those they end up passing away, just a few weeks later.
This is really fucking unfair, man. My soul is hurting. I wonder how much longer I can do this? I shared the following post on Facebook because I couldn’t stand the secrecy any longer, and though much less people this time, I did not want to do the “I’m not pregnant (soon) anymore tour”
It’s weird being quiet and secretive about huge moments in your life. I was pregnant in June but lost the pregnancy very early. I’ve been pregnant again for 7 weeks and 4 days. Today I had my first ultrasound and they said I have an impending miscarriage with this, my second pregnancy. The baby is measuring over 10 days behind and has a very slow heartbeat. I have several IVF support groups and other places on the web for support, and my friends that did know my news have been so kind and supportive. It’s weird seeing your child’s heartbeat but being told it won’t last, and talking about your options- whether a D&C, miscarrying naturally at home, or taking pills to help the miscarriage along. Waiting for your baby to die. It sucks, dudes. I’m sick of being quiet about this stuff because there are so many of us out there going through it silently. So yeah. That’s what’s going on. I’m lucky to have a caring and wonderful husband that I can make dark jokes with but still share our sorrows together.
The responses I’ve received are overwhelming, in a good way. Private messages, text messages, messages on the post- so many women and families sharing their miscarriage stories, or just sending their love and support. Thanking me for speaking up, or telling me I’m a strong woman. It’s really crazy. I feel a little better now that it’s out in the open- my friend says I have “an army” behind me and it really feels like that.
I’m not planning any next steps until this is officially over. I’m still taking my meds. I decreased my progesterone shot to half to make it last until Tuesday, but I know it won’t do anything. You never know.
Adam said steeling himself for this only helped for the first 20 minutes, but then felt the same afterward. He took really good care of me, and I guess I couldn’t really take care of him that well. He is and was my rock.
So that’s that. Fuck, you guys.
edited to add- annnd now I’m nauseous. My cousin gave birth to a beautiful boy yesterday. I ran to the bathroom crying. I thought I was done but I was wrong.