It eeks out like a leaky faucet

I really do swear I don’t think about this all the time, but sometimes our loss jumps out at me and I don’t expect it. Last night I was second shooting and there was this adorable family of three there. They had been dancing all night, mostly the dad (who was an incredible dancer!) and the little girl. She had to be two? Anyway, a slow song came on and the three danced together. I went from smiling while I was taking their photo to choking back a sob. Ugh. When will this stop?

Also on FB today, a woman I know who is due around the same time I would have been due posted that her baby will be a girl.

I want my girl 😦

I missed Friday’s appointment for my blood test to see if my hCg had gone back to 0 because I had a meeting in Boston for work. I was supposed to got this morning but after two weddings this weekend and not getting home until midnight this AM I just couldn’t drag myself out of bed. I’ll be going tomorrow, then hopefully we can start the next batch of tests to see what the fuck is going on here.

 

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It was a she. She was a girl.

I got the phone call about the genetic testing of the pregnancy tissue. Basically it was normal and they don’t know what caused the miscarriage, and there was no mother infiltration. “We’re still in limbo.” Dr. P says. I need additional testing. One of the doctors I worked for started talking to me while my doctor was talking on the phone so I was half in and half out of the conversation. I’m so frustrated about that. The baby was a girl. I’m devastated all over again. I had to do a patient immediately and the patient had an interpreter and another person in the room and I just wanted everyone to be quiet for a minute. After that the doctor came in and had 3 med students with him and everything was so loud, and the phone was ringing off the hook and no one was on the line and I just wanted to fucking SCREAM.

After a quick cry in the bathroom and a quick chat with Adam I’m back at my desk.

Healing

I had some awful cramping after my last post. They were so so bad. They were coming in waves, exactly 4 minutes apart.. like contractions! Not that I’ve ever had those. I passed a clot a few hours later. I’ve started working hard on photography stuff- everything is churning again. Energy renewed. I shot the best engagement shoot of my career, I’m building my new website- which I put 6 hours into after work yesterday- so basically I worked all day. I did my yearly expenses and profits for photography and have big plans. It’s nice to focus on something else other than my failure (thus far) to become a mom. I’ve also lost 3 pounds on weight watchers 🙂

I was really depressed but I feel it lifting. Thing will be okay.

Post D&C

I haven’t had much bleeding at all, or any cramping.. until Sunday at 12:15 am, and it’s just getting increasingly more painful. I hope there isn’t an infection. I have an engagement session about an hour and a half away from where I this afternoon (it’s 2 am)- here’s to hoping I can make that okay! I keep flip flopping from being totally fine to very sad and depressed. I can’t wait for this ordeal to be done with.

Well, the D&C is done.

And I took a long long nap afterward. I feel a little better emotionally already. Strange isn’t it? To say it was an emotional day is a huge under statement. I had a small panic attack this morning. I cried when I got there. I cried when Dr. V came in. I cried HARD when they brought me into the room. Everyone was so sweet. Dr. V held my hand while I cried. Dr. V said to us, and I quote “sometimes nature just pisses on you.” which Adam and I thought was hilarious and we couldn’t stop laughing about it. She said it straight faced. She also told us the sac was abnormally large so that the pregnancy was meant to end. She told me we make great embryos, it’s just a matter of getting a good one to stick. They’re going to do chromosomal testing on the tissue, and they took blood to compare mine to the baby’s. I asked them if they could find out the sex as well, to which they said yes… as long as they got a good sample. I swear to you guys it was a boy, but we’ll see. They gave me my rhogram shot while I was under, which is much appreciated. I told the anesthesiologist to “Drug me up, lady” and she sure did. I have to go get blood work on the 30th to see if my hCg has gone down to 0.

Now, the healing can begin.

Cruel dream

I had such a a vivid dream of Adam and I with a baby boy. Adam was amazing with him. We were trying to figure out a name. I also dreamed of him being around my entire family, and my dad especially. I’m so sad about it, god damn it hurts.

I reapplied for FMLA again, so I can keep my job safe. I had to report 11 full days, and 3 other days where I had appointments to go to. There’s a rule about timely reporting of these days but I was denied the FMLA. This is so frustrating because why would I report days if I was denied? We’ll see what happens. Fortunately my work is understanding.

Yesterday afternoon at work and last night I was getting cramps and pain in my back. I was also getting sharp stabbing pains in my cervix. I was scared I was going to miscarriage naturally before I had the chance to get to my appointment on Friday. Luckily I took a long nap after work and those things mostly went away.

I’m so depressed. I’m very nervous about the D&C tomorrow but I just need it to happen so I can heal.

Next steps

Well, Friday SHOULD be my D&C, but I’m waiting for a call tomorrow to confirm. I have to get a rhogam shot because my blood is O-.. this is the first I’m hearing about it that pertains to me. I’m also going to be doing some additional testing after my hCg levels return to negative.

I’ve decided to take a break after this. I am hoping to get one more retrieval in before the year ends as I will be changing insurances so we’ll have more than two more attempts left. I wish they didn’t count frozen transfers as a cycle, I still think that’s bogus, but I have to remember I’m lucky and a lot of people pay out of pocket for it all. I won’t be able to do a transfer until February probably, because of wedding photography schedules. Who knows what I will end up doing. I know this break is good for me, but another part of me wants this so bad I want to continue and to not waste any time.

I had ordered a fitbit, some new sneakers, and wireless headphones Monday night. I’ve put on 20 pounds since I started the IVF portion of our TTC journey and was overweight before that, so I’m looking to lose 30-40 pounds. I’m going to focus on getting fit and healthy again for the time being.

I’ve silenced most of my IVF support groups on FB so I don’t have to read about anything, and I left the pregnancy groups. I don’t know how active I’ll be around here, but I’ll try my best to keep up with you all. I’m sure I’ll be posting after my D&C and such, but after that I might lay off.

The End.

Our baby is gone. He was measuring at 6 weeks 3 days and 6 weeks 4 days- so there were a few days of growth since last time, but obviously not a lot. The heartbeat is gone. I went to work but my boss said if I wanted to leave she understood, and so I did. I’m relieved to be out of limbo, as bad as that sounds, but I am numb and sad. I was prepared for this outcome- more so than a positive one, but it still really really sucks. I’ll be talking to Dr. Plante around lunch to discuss next steps.

Weird limbo continues. Ultra sound Tuesday.

I spoke with Dr. P. She says the heartbeat is really strong, so sadly we remain in limbo. She said sometimes it’s hard to get a good measurement this early on in pregnancy, so we just have to wait and see. I have another ultrasound next Tuesday to see what’s going on. She said if theres a strong heartbeat next week she will graduate me to my OBGYN. She said that if this pregnancy does goes to term she doesn’t want me to miss out on first trimester testing. I told her I hadn’t stopped my meds, and she said I could stop the Estrace but to continue my progesterone. I skipped last night because I felt it was over, so I’ll start that up again.

Now to add more worry, I just went and tried to have a BM and I strained. Afterward I had some pink/cloudy red bleeding down there. I called and left my care team a message. Who knows what’s going on. I’m so confused and lost. I don’t want to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one on their own to fight alone. This hurts.