Meds- ordered. It’s happening again!

I’ve been pretty numb to starting another cycle until today. I can’t believe we are here again. Not necessarily in a bad way, it just feels surreal. I feel so much older and in the grand scheme of things it hasn’t been that long. I was chatting with my therapist about how I’m finally getting back to normal and out of my depressive episode and I’m throwing myself back in this again. I just have to keep up the self care. I’ve booked 4 weddings since my last update, so that’s definitely been a boost! If I get pregnant next month, I don’t foresee any issues with any of the weddings, especially since two of them are for summer and fall of 2018. My last wedding of this season is currently in mid October, which would put me at roughly 7 months pregnant, if I get pregnant next month, and if it lasts. I have plans for if I’m on bed rest, and will be hiring extra help. I’m getting ahead of myself of course, but you need to have a plan when you’re responsible for someone’s wedding photos! A lot of photographers I know keep shooting up until the last few weeks of their pregnancies! So we’ll see.

I’ve been exercising a lot and I’m not losing weight but gaining. I think it’s because I’m gaining muscle. My tummy and face have slimmed down and several people have remarked how I look thinner. My aunt said “You got skinny!” I’ve been eating really well, too. I’m going to schedule my first acupuncture session for next week, to get a few “on the books” before I get to my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork the 24th. I have a photography retreat at the end of the month which I’m looking forward to as well.

I hope 2017 fucking rules!

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Next cycled begins 2/24!

My period showed up today. Naturally! Holy mackerel the cramps are horrendous. I used to get pretty terrible periods when I was a teen.. although not quite THAT bad, they still suck. I’m just glad it’s here! Tomorrow I start my active birth control pills, which I stop on the 21st. My baseline bloodwork and ultrasound will start on 2/24, and my meds have been sent in to the pharmacy, I just have to call them tomorrow. I have quite a few medications in my fridge that I was going to donate when it was “safe” to do so, needless to say I still have them. It’s surreal this is all happening again. I’m excited to get going.

I just started feeling normal a few days ago, and I’m about to do this all again. YEP. I’ve been going to spin class (usually at 6 am!) and yoga classes, eating better, and my mood has been improving. I also increased my anti depressants so I’m taking 30mg of celexa every day and I think that’s finally kicked in as well. I have therapy tomorrow evening, I’ve been going every two weeks.

I booked two weddings last week and in the last week and a half I’ll have had 7 consultations. Trying to do my thang here! I have a photography retreat the weekend and into the first week of my cycle, over an hour away from where I live.. Saturday through Wednesday.. I’m hoping I don’t have to drive back and forth (I rented a hotel room) but if I do then hey, gotta do what you gotta do…

Everyone is all excited for the superbowl but honestly I couldn’t care less. Oops. :X

 

Follow up, on to the next cycle

I had my F/U with Dr. Plante today. Adam’s sperm analysis was worse that it was the last two times. His morphology is bad, as well as the motility, and the count of course. He went from 4% (of something..) to 1%. She said we can still proceed, and we aren’t in donor sperm territory. The many polyps she removed were probably from the hormone treatments, and probably did not lend themselves to my miscarriage. They will most likely come back. She said with this new sperm analysis things are becoming a little more clear to her, and most likely it’s a sperm issue as opposed to an egg issue. I asked her if there was anything Adam could do to improve his numbers, and she said he can go back to see the Uriologist, and that sometimes Clomid helps. So he’s going to do that. We’re waiting on one of his blood tests to come back, and once it does in a week and a half or so, we will be ready to submit to insurance. My body has some time off, until my period for this month comes. Then it will be Day 1 and we’ll be on our way again.

I hope 2017 is the year.

Follow up pushed back. Thanks Quest.

I’m supposed to have my F/U with Dr. Plante tomorrow, but the Quest where I got my recurrent pregnancy loss panel done messed up and my blood work was never sent out. Sigh. I just had it redrawn and I have a new F/U scheduled for 11/29. The lady at Quest got mad at me when I brought up the first blood draw and said my fertility center was just saying things because they have to. She never apologized. She said that they received paperwork after I had my blood draw. Okay.. so you just sat on it and did nothing?

I trust my fertility center a lot more than I trust her!

The waiting continues as always.

Pregnancy feed on FB

I’ve hidden some recent mother’s from my feed, and now in the past few days there have been two pregnancy announcements, and they’re due around the time I was due, as well as another woman who is due the month before I was due. It hurts more than I can convey.

Contrary to what you think from this post, I haven’t spent all my time thinking about this, in fact, I’ve been spending very little time thinking about it. I’ve re-done my website, shot two amazing engagement sessions, booked a wedding for next year, scheduled a consultation for this week, designed a new logo, second shot an incredible wedding, and I have a few inquiries in the wings. I have two weddings coming up in the next two weeks.

I’m busy. But when this breaks through, it fucking breaks through. I flip flop from incredibly sad to incredibly angry. Why not me? Why the fuck have I achieved pregnancy twice, even saw a heartbeat and yet I’m still not pregnant.

What the fuck man.

Next steps

Well, Friday SHOULD be my D&C, but I’m waiting for a call tomorrow to confirm. I have to get a rhogam shot because my blood is O-.. this is the first I’m hearing about it that pertains to me. I’m also going to be doing some additional testing after my hCg levels return to negative.

I’ve decided to take a break after this. I am hoping to get one more retrieval in before the year ends as I will be changing insurances so we’ll have more than two more attempts left. I wish they didn’t count frozen transfers as a cycle, I still think that’s bogus, but I have to remember I’m lucky and a lot of people pay out of pocket for it all. I won’t be able to do a transfer until February probably, because of wedding photography schedules. Who knows what I will end up doing. I know this break is good for me, but another part of me wants this so bad I want to continue and to not waste any time.

I had ordered a fitbit, some new sneakers, and wireless headphones Monday night. I’ve put on 20 pounds since I started the IVF portion of our TTC journey and was overweight before that, so I’m looking to lose 30-40 pounds. I’m going to focus on getting fit and healthy again for the time being.

I’ve silenced most of my IVF support groups on FB so I don’t have to read about anything, and I left the pregnancy groups. I don’t know how active I’ll be around here, but I’ll try my best to keep up with you all. I’m sure I’ll be posting after my D&C and such, but after that I might lay off.

Is this the end? I don’t know.

I woke up at 4 am with some sharp sharp pains. I couldn’t tell if they were gas pains (I have IBS) or in my uterus. I went back to sleep. I’ve had a few one off sharp pains today that I know for sure were in my uterus. I’m also getting random sharp pains in my cervix but they come and go so quickly I forget about them. Other than that everything feels quiet down in my womb. Just after typing that I felt a twinge. I hate not knowing what’s happening. I started googling “strong heartbeat but two weeks behind” again and I’ve read the same posts over and over again. I go from positive to negative so much I don’t know which was is up. This really sucks. I need tomorrow morning to happen. I am 9 weeks and 1 day today.

Edited to add- and now 12 minutes later I have some nausea and I remember that I also woke up with night sweats last night- which has only been a thing for me since I’ve been pregnant. Tricky tricky.

Only a few more days.

I’ve been feeling pregnant still. I’m not really overanalyzing my symptoms like I was. Sore boobs now and then, cramping (like before), and I’ve been really tired. Sometimes I wake up feeling sick like I was. I ask my little one all the time if they’re still hanging around. I figure he must be if I can feel these things, but you never know I guess. I’m prepared for either outcome, but I’m hoping for the best. I’m tired.

 

Weird limbo continues.

Well, my instincts were wrong. The baby is still in there. The heart rate was measuring 156 BPM or something like that, which the tech said was totally normal. However, there has been absolutely no growth. At this point the baby is two weeks behind, measuring at 6 weeks 1 day.  It really hurts to see the heartbeat and know it’s not going to last. 1The black space around the baby is getting smaller. Thursday it was much rounder. I don’t know what that means. So yeah. Now to wait for Dr. Plante to call.