Meds- ordered. It’s happening again!

I’ve been pretty numb to starting another cycle until today. I can’t believe we are here again. Not necessarily in a bad way, it just feels surreal. I feel so much older and in the grand scheme of things it hasn’t been that long. I was chatting with my therapist about how I’m finally getting back to normal and out of my depressive episode and I’m throwing myself back in this again. I just have to keep up the self care. I’ve booked 4 weddings since my last update, so that’s definitely been a boost! If I get pregnant next month, I don’t foresee any issues with any of the weddings, especially since two of them are for summer and fall of 2018. My last wedding of this season is currently in mid October, which would put me at roughly 7 months pregnant, if I get pregnant next month, and if it lasts. I have plans for if I’m on bed rest, and will be hiring extra help. I’m getting ahead of myself of course, but you need to have a plan when you’re responsible for someone’s wedding photos! A lot of photographers I know keep shooting up until the last few weeks of their pregnancies! So we’ll see.

I’ve been exercising a lot and I’m not losing weight but gaining. I think it’s because I’m gaining muscle. My tummy and face have slimmed down and several people have remarked how I look thinner. My aunt said “You got skinny!” I’ve been eating really well, too. I’m going to schedule my first acupuncture session for next week, to get a few “on the books” before I get to my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork the 24th. I have a photography retreat at the end of the month which I’m looking forward to as well.

I hope 2017 fucking rules!

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Follow up, on to the next cycle

I had my F/U with Dr. Plante today. Adam’s sperm analysis was worse that it was the last two times. His morphology is bad, as well as the motility, and the count of course. He went from 4% (of something..) to 1%. She said we can still proceed, and we aren’t in donor sperm territory. The many polyps she removed were probably from the hormone treatments, and probably did not lend themselves to my miscarriage. They will most likely come back. She said with this new sperm analysis things are becoming a little more clear to her, and most likely it’s a sperm issue as opposed to an egg issue. I asked her if there was anything Adam could do to improve his numbers, and she said he can go back to see the Uriologist, and that sometimes Clomid helps. So he’s going to do that. We’re waiting on one of his blood tests to come back, and once it does in a week and a half or so, we will be ready to submit to insurance. My body has some time off, until my period for this month comes. Then it will be Day 1 and we’ll be on our way again.

I hope 2017 is the year.

It just hurts.

I’ve been avoiding Facebook lately, happy to work on my photography business or read a book. I just finished The Fiery Cross, book number 5 of the Outlander series. Straight onto book number 6..

anyway, I decided to check out FB today and the first dozen posts were happy pregnant ladies or babies. I can’t. It seriously crushes me. Instagram is the same. I quickly Xed out of Facebook. Adam’s good friend and his wife are expecting baby number 2, due in August. I can’t escape everyone’s joy and due dates and baby news. I almost started to cry when he told me. I can’t explain how awful it feels to be upset at such happy news but also happy for them at the same time, but mostly in your own sorrow. I’m sure a lot of you understand, have been there at some point.

Tomorrow I have my follow up with Dr. Plante, and then once Adam’s blood tests come back we will be submitting to insurance to start our next cycle.

 

Hysteroscopy/biopsy, no cycle in sight.

I had a follow up with Dr. P today. They did a version of HSG without the dye.. I can’t remember what it’s called- but they put a balloon into your uterus and check it out on the ultra sound. My uterus wasn’t smooth- but kinda weird and bumpy. So they’re going to do a hysteroscopy and a biopsy at the same time to make sure nothing is infected, all the tissue from my miscarriage is gone, and there are no polyps. We didn’t end up talking next steps and are saving it for after the hysteroscopy. One of my blood tests came back faintly positive for blood clotting but my Dr said it’s one point past positive and she doesn’t think it’s relevant, so we’ll be re testing for that. Adam has to re-up on all his blood tests/semen analysis. They haven’t scheduled the hysteroscopy/biopsy yet so who knows when we can cycle again.

I’m disheartened but, oh well. We trudge on.

New (exciting) insurance

So my current health insurance is being discontinued. After fighting through the muck of my new options and my husband’s new options- and people who wouldn’t call me back, gave me misinformation, and just generally weren’t helpful- I picked a new health insurance! When I called the rep and asked her about infertility/IVF services, she said they were covered in full. I asked her how many cycles. She said there are no cycle limits- they are unlimited! I didn’t believe her- another insurance company rep I spoke with earlier had said the same thing and I called again to double check- she was wrong. So she took my number so she could investigate the matter further and called me back and left me a voicemail- which I am saving!- saying her manager said there is no dollar amount cap to IVF services, and no lifetime cycle limit either. CRAZY! I’m hoping it’s real life. I chose that insurance and that kicks in in 2017. My sister-in-law runs a daycare and one of her mom’s has unlimited and I never thought I’d find one!

I have to have baseline testing again – it’s a yearly thing I guess!- and I scheduled a Sono-HSG the same day my follow up with Dr. P. It’s different than the HSG test which I had last time. My period started on it’s own accord which is rare for me- and they’re getting me on BC and I have my day 3 scan tomorrow. I forgot how brutal my periods are. Woof! I’m glad this is happening though so I don’t have to wait even more time. I can’t believe I’m about to start the whole process over again. It still feels murky because I haven’t had my F/U after our miscarriage yet. We’ll see…

Follow up pushed back. Thanks Quest.

I’m supposed to have my F/U with Dr. Plante tomorrow, but the Quest where I got my recurrent pregnancy loss panel done messed up and my blood work was never sent out. Sigh. I just had it redrawn and I have a new F/U scheduled for 11/29. The lady at Quest got mad at me when I brought up the first blood draw and said my fertility center was just saying things because they have to. She never apologized. She said that they received paperwork after I had my blood draw. Okay.. so you just sat on it and did nothing?

I trust my fertility center a lot more than I trust her!

The waiting continues as always.

It eeks out like a leaky faucet

I really do swear I don’t think about this all the time, but sometimes our loss jumps out at me and I don’t expect it. Last night I was second shooting and there was this adorable family of three there. They had been dancing all night, mostly the dad (who was an incredible dancer!) and the little girl. She had to be two? Anyway, a slow song came on and the three danced together. I went from smiling while I was taking their photo to choking back a sob. Ugh. When will this stop?

Also on FB today, a woman I know who is due around the same time I would have been due posted that her baby will be a girl.

I want my girl 😦

I missed Friday’s appointment for my blood test to see if my hCg had gone back to 0 because I had a meeting in Boston for work. I was supposed to got this morning but after two weddings this weekend and not getting home until midnight this AM I just couldn’t drag myself out of bed. I’ll be going tomorrow, then hopefully we can start the next batch of tests to see what the fuck is going on here.

 

It was a she. She was a girl.

I got the phone call about the genetic testing of the pregnancy tissue. Basically it was normal and they don’t know what caused the miscarriage, and there was no mother infiltration. “We’re still in limbo.” Dr. P says. I need additional testing. One of the doctors I worked for started talking to me while my doctor was talking on the phone so I was half in and half out of the conversation. I’m so frustrated about that. The baby was a girl. I’m devastated all over again. I had to do a patient immediately and the patient had an interpreter and another person in the room and I just wanted everyone to be quiet for a minute. After that the doctor came in and had 3 med students with him and everything was so loud, and the phone was ringing off the hook and no one was on the line and I just wanted to fucking SCREAM.

After a quick cry in the bathroom and a quick chat with Adam I’m back at my desk.

Pregnancy feed on FB

I’ve hidden some recent mother’s from my feed, and now in the past few days there have been two pregnancy announcements, and they’re due around the time I was due, as well as another woman who is due the month before I was due. It hurts more than I can convey.

Contrary to what you think from this post, I haven’t spent all my time thinking about this, in fact, I’ve been spending very little time thinking about it. I’ve re-done my website, shot two amazing engagement sessions, booked a wedding for next year, scheduled a consultation for this week, designed a new logo, second shot an incredible wedding, and I have a few inquiries in the wings. I have two weddings coming up in the next two weeks.

I’m busy. But when this breaks through, it fucking breaks through. I flip flop from incredibly sad to incredibly angry. Why not me? Why the fuck have I achieved pregnancy twice, even saw a heartbeat and yet I’m still not pregnant.

What the fuck man.