“Nothing is guaranteed”

Last night I had a therapy session- my therapist squeezed me in. Thankfully. I feel much better today after talking with her. We talked about my situation and she was saying that though she understands wanting to shield myself from what feels like the inevitable, nothing is guaranteed. I was telling her a lot of what I said here. I’m scared to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one alone to fight by himself. So for now I’m going to love him all I can, treat myself as if I were normally pregnant, and not look at the past or the future, just be in the now. I’m sure that will change the closer I get to the next scan, but what else can I do? He’s got a strong heartbeat for now, so momma will try and be strong, too.

 

P.S.- I do NOT want to be at work.

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Weird limbo continues. Ultra sound Tuesday.

I spoke with Dr. P. She says the heartbeat is really strong, so sadly we remain in limbo. She said sometimes it’s hard to get a good measurement this early on in pregnancy, so we just have to wait and see. I have another ultrasound next Tuesday to see what’s going on. She said if theres a strong heartbeat next week she will graduate me to my OBGYN. She said that if this pregnancy does goes to term she doesn’t want me to miss out on first trimester testing. I told her I hadn’t stopped my meds, and she said I could stop the Estrace but to continue my progesterone. I skipped last night because I felt it was over, so I’ll start that up again.

Now to add more worry, I just went and tried to have a BM and I strained. Afterward I had some pink/cloudy red bleeding down there. I called and left my care team a message. Who knows what’s going on. I’m so confused and lost. I don’t want to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one on their own to fight alone. This hurts.

Weird limbo continues.

Well, my instincts were wrong. The baby is still in there. The heart rate was measuring 156 BPM or something like that, which the tech said was totally normal. However, there has been absolutely no growth. At this point the baby is two weeks behind, measuring at 6 weeks 1 day.  It really hurts to see the heartbeat and know it’s not going to last. 1The black space around the baby is getting smaller. Thursday it was much rounder. I don’t know what that means. So yeah. Now to wait for Dr. Plante to call.

Pregnancy symptoms fading

I am still having cramping, but they are fewer and far between. The exhaustion seems to be lessening- although I did sleep most of the day yesterday. I woke up at almost 9 pm and went to bed at 4:15 this morning. Here I am at work, and somehow I’m functioning.

I’m preparing for a wedding tomorrow, and an engagement session on Sunday. These things always seem to happen before a busy photography work weekend.

I called and tried to have my ultrasound scheduled in the clinic closest to me before work, and then just have the doctor call me with results. Waiting for a call back. I have absolutely no time left now because I took yesterday off, and traveling 2-3 hours for this is just not something I want to do. If I’m being honest, I was not a huge fan of the doctor I was speaking with. I’ve prepared myself for the results, and most likely will be having a D&C in the next few weeks. I’ve read cases where the fetus goes on to live, but in most of those they end up passing away, just a few weeks later.

This is really fucking unfair, man. My soul is hurting. I wonder how much longer I can do this? I shared the following post on Facebook because I couldn’t stand the secrecy any longer, and though much less people this time, I did not want to do the “I’m not pregnant (soon) anymore tour”

It’s weird being quiet and secretive about huge moments in your life. I was pregnant in June but lost the pregnancy very early. I’ve been pregnant again for 7 weeks and 4 days. Today I had my first ultrasound and they said I have an impending miscarriage with this, my second pregnancy. The baby is measuring over 10 days behind and has a very slow heartbeat. I have several IVF support groups and other places on the web for support, and my friends that did know my news have been so kind and supportive. It’s weird seeing your child’s heartbeat but being told it won’t last, and talking about your options- whether a D&C, miscarrying naturally at home, or taking pills to help the miscarriage along. Waiting for your baby to die. It sucks, dudes. I’m sick of being quiet about this stuff because there are so many of us out there going through it silently. So yeah. That’s what’s going on. I’m lucky to have a caring and wonderful husband that I can make dark jokes with but still share our sorrows together.

The responses I’ve received are overwhelming, in a good way. Private messages, text messages, messages on the post- so many women and families sharing their miscarriage stories, or just sending their love and support. Thanking me for speaking up, or telling me I’m a strong woman. It’s really crazy. I feel a little better now that it’s out in the open- my friend says I have “an army” behind me and it really feels like that.

I’m not planning any next steps until this is officially over. I’m still taking my meds. I decreased my progesterone shot to half to make it last until Tuesday, but I know it won’t do anything. You never know.

Adam said steeling himself for this only helped for the first 20 minutes, but then felt the same afterward. He took really good care of me, and I guess I couldn’t really take care of him that well. He is and was my rock.

So that’s that. Fuck, you guys.

 

edited to add- annnd now I’m nauseous. My cousin gave birth to a beautiful boy yesterday. I ran to the bathroom crying. I thought I was done but I was wrong.

One week from today

One week from today I’ll be having my ultrasound. I can feel the crazy creeping in. I considered taking a pregnancy test this morning as I have one left over, but I didn’t. I hope I can make it until Thursday! I’m bouncing from being very confident to being terrified.

Adam and I had a talk last night and things are good now. He’s still keeping himself un-invested in this pregnancy until next week. He said he thinks when he sees the sonogram it will click for him. He never wants to feel like he did when we had our loss ever again. I told him I think it would hurt no matter what but hopefully we don’t have to find out the answer to that. I also made sure to reiterate that “not that pregnant” is not an accurate statement as the first trimester can be the hardest for some women!

I felt very ill yesterday. I went home from work and slept a few hours, per usual, and then had a normal few hours, then when I went to bed I swore I was going to vomit. I finally fell asleep. I had a lot of heartburn yesterday. Right now I feel “normal.”

I’m glad it’s almost the weekend.

 

6 weeks 4 days

First food aversion- pork loin. NO THANK YOU.

Today has been a long day and it’s only about 1 pm. I can only describe it as “exhausted raging bitch” but only inwardly, as I work with patients, so I must be my nice and normal self outwardly.

At lunch time I couldn’t eat my pork loin. I opened up my lunch and it smelled like dog poop. I gagged. My co workers didn’t smell anything. I tried a bite. NOPE. Pregnancy is weird you guys. So I didn’t eat the pork and ate my veggies and drank my water.

That’s it I guess. The raging bitchiness has calmed down and I have a little more energy then I did. I had to lay down in the bathroom for a few minutes to get a grip on myself.

6 weeks 2 days and only 9 days away from my first ultrasound. Ahh!

Ultrasound 9/1

I finally got my orders close to 4. Can you imagine if I hadn’t called? I CANNOT. My ultrasound will be with Dr. W on 9/1 at 8:45 am. Though I’m sad it’s two weeks away- TWO WEEKS!- since I’m on vacation I’m going to need that time to build up a few hours in my bank to be able to make the appointment. No earlier appointment for me! I was also told to take 2mg of Estrace just once a day now instead of twice, which is great! I’m looking forward to the time when I can stop my progesterone shots and the placenta takes over. My injection sites are SORE.

Acupuncture was NOT relaxing. The woman next to me was snoring the entire time. It gave me a headache, I just wanted to get out of there. I visited with my mom afterward then came home and lounged around. I went to bed after my shot at 8 pm and I’ve been up since 1ish when Adam went to bed.

Vacation has been great for dealing with my pregnancy tiredness- I am not looking forward to going back to work.

TWO WEEKS. I got this. For now…. haha :X

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.

I’m sitting here refreshing my orders page on my fertility center’s patient portal. I’m scared I’m going to get a bad phone call any minute. AHHH! Generally they just update the portal with information and phone calls are reserved for the “you’re pregnant!” call and the “you’re no longer pregnant” call. I’M SO SCARED. I came home after my blood work and slept as long as I could, and the rest of the time is me hitting refresh over and over again. Sometimes the website fakes me out and takes longer to load, like there’s new information there or something. Ugh.

I had a dream last night I was going in to the hospital and to give birth. My contractions weren’t close enough together so I was going to be waiting a while. I even thought to myself false alarm, and they might send me home.

Vacation cut short, staycation until Monday

I had a great time on my vacation! Swimming, kayaking, an orchestra show (which had a gnarly thunderstorm in the middle of it!) and I read 3 books!

Adam had to come home on Tuesday. I thought I would stay until Thursday but this morning I was missing him and wanted to come home earlier than that. So this morning I left at 10:30 and made my way back home. On my way home I called the fertility center and changed my blood work to tomorrow morning (yay!) and I called and ordered some more progesterone, as well as made an acupuncture appointment for tomorrow.

The whole time on vacation I had cramping (very mild) on and off, and I was SO tired. Nausea here and there. My boobs are still hurting on and off as well. I freaked out my second night there and bought some pregnancy tests. My digital test said “YES+” and it calmed me down, I still haven’t taken the second test. Today I’m 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and that was the point where I lost my last pregnancy. I’m nervous but feel mostly calm. I think being away from google and support groups really helped calm me down.

I’ve been having really vivid dreams lately, and in one of them I had quadruplets. AHH!

I’m excited and scared for tomorrow’s blood work. Let’s hope this goes well!!

Pregnant lady on vacation!

Yesterday my mother in law referred to my unborn baby as her sixth grandchild while her and my mother were talking. (Our baby will my mom’s first grandchild.) It’s still not real, but it’s getting realer. I’m so scared of what happened last time I’ve been kind of floating through the motions, not really admitting fully that I am indeed pregnant. Yesterday I had a spat of tan/beige discharge and called my care team, but they said that’s normal. My estrogen levels are so high that the discharge is going to do weird things sometimes.

I woke up this morning feeling sick- nauseous and crampy, and I turned to Adam and said “I don’t feel very good. It’s great!” Every day I can FEEL pregnant is another day I am comforted that I am pregnant, so I enjoy these symptoms.

I did so many loads of laundry and went on a cleaning rampage last night. My mom and aunt are staying over to watch our beloved husky while we are on vacation, so I wanted to make sure they had a nice place to stay!

I might buy some HPT tests mid week when the insanity hits- but hopefully my vacation will stave that off. I’ll have no internet so I won’t be googling like crazy – or reading your blogs! I hope everyone continues in the positive fashions they have been!

With that, I’m out!