Well, the D&C is done.

And I took a long long nap afterward. I feel a little better emotionally already. Strange isn’t it? To say it was an emotional day is a huge under statement. I had a small panic attack this morning. I cried when I got there. I cried when Dr. V came in. I cried HARD when they brought me into the room. Everyone was so sweet. Dr. V held my hand while I cried. Dr. V said to us, and I quote “sometimes nature just pisses on you.”¬†which Adam and I thought was hilarious and we couldn’t stop laughing about it. She said it straight faced. She also told us the sac was abnormally large so that the pregnancy was meant to end. She told me we make great embryos, it’s just a matter of getting a good one to stick. They’re going to do chromosomal testing on the tissue, and they took blood to compare mine to the baby’s. I asked them if they could find out the sex as well, to which they said yes… as long as they got a good sample. I swear to you guys it was a boy, but we’ll see. They gave me my rhogram shot while I was under, which is much appreciated. I told the anesthesiologist to “Drug me up, lady” and she sure did. I have to go get blood work on the 30th to see if my hCg has gone down to 0.

Now, the healing can begin.

Cruel dream

I had such a a vivid dream of Adam and I with a baby boy. Adam was amazing with him. We were trying to figure out a name. I also dreamed of him being around my entire family, and my dad especially. I’m so sad about it, god damn it hurts.

I reapplied for FMLA again, so I can keep my job safe. I had to report 11 full days, and 3 other days where I had appointments to go to. There’s a rule about timely reporting of these days but I was denied the FMLA. This is so frustrating because why would I report days if I was denied? We’ll see what happens. Fortunately my work is understanding.

Yesterday afternoon at work and last night I was getting cramps and pain in my back. I was also getting sharp stabbing pains in my cervix. I was scared I was going to miscarriage naturally before I had the chance to get to my appointment on Friday. Luckily I took a long nap after work and those things mostly went away.

I’m so depressed. I’m very nervous about the D&C tomorrow but I just need it to happen so I can heal.

Next steps

Well, Friday SHOULD be my D&C, but I’m waiting for a call tomorrow to confirm. I have to get a rhogam shot because my blood is O-.. this is the first I’m hearing about it that pertains to me. I’m also going to be doing some additional testing after my hCg levels return to negative.

I’ve decided to take a break after this. I am hoping to get one more retrieval in before the year ends as I will be changing insurances so we’ll have more than two more attempts left. I wish they didn’t count frozen transfers as a cycle, I still think that’s bogus, but I have to remember I’m lucky and a lot of people pay out of pocket for it all. I won’t be able to do a transfer until February probably, because of wedding photography schedules. Who knows what I will end up doing. I know this break is good for me, but another part of me wants this so bad I want to continue and to not waste any time.

I had ordered a fitbit, some new sneakers, and wireless headphones Monday night. I’ve put on 20 pounds since I started the IVF portion of our TTC journey and was overweight before that, so I’m looking to lose 30-40 pounds. I’m going to focus on getting fit and healthy again for the time being.

I’ve silenced most of my IVF support groups on FB so I don’t have to read about anything, and I left the pregnancy groups. I don’t know how active I’ll be around here, but I’ll try my best to keep up with you all. I’m sure I’ll be posting after my D&C and such, but after that I might lay off.