Cycle two- close but definitely no cigar.

I started cycle two full of anxiety. The vigor and excitement and buzz that surrounded my first IVF cycle wasn’t there. I kept hearing from everyone to just stay positive, and of course I was trying, but still I was wary.

I started my medications and I was off. Same old routine that I had gone through the last time, monitoring appointments every other day, with blood work.  I ended up stimming for a shorter amount of time at 7 days as opposed to the first round of 12. I was very paranoid about overstimulation, and I was not looking forward to my egg retrieval.

March 30th I went in for my second retrieval, this time I was a lot more calm and was excited to get it over with. When I was going over the paper work the nurse mentioned that my fresh embryo transfer would be scheduled for that coming Monday. I remember clamping my hand over my mouth and tearing up, willing myself not to cry. Transfer? Already? We weren’t doing another freeze all? I didn’t overstimulate?! I was excited about that. The doctor was able to retrieve 26 eggs this time around, which was unbelievable considering the first time we only were able to retrieve 12 eggs. My husband jokingly referred to me as the easter bunny. Ha!

April 5th was the day that our two perfect little embryos were transferred back into my uterus. It was an emotional day. Adam was there holding my hand as they went back in, and I was wiping tears from my eyes as we waScreen Shot 2016-04-04 at 3.16.00 PM.pngtched on the screen. I remember the embryologist telling me they were “beautiful” when she brought them in. The doctor told me to go get pregnant and within ten minutes we were out the door. We were both so excited and gushing. Adam wanted to post our embryos on Facebook, the first time it was feeling really real for him. I told him to hold off, in case they didn’t take. We did share the photo with some friends, but having to explain to all our social media friends seemed daunting.

Our beta, first pregnancy test, was scheduled for Thursday, April 14th and those days of waiting were absolutely torturous. Waiting, wondering, hoping, wishing- it was a lot. I held off on any HPT (home pregnancy tests) until day 4. I took a HPT test 4dp5dt and I saw almost nothing. Almost.Screen Shot 2016-04-19 at 3.16.00 PM I decided to test again the next day, in the morning, and I saw a faint faint line. I was excited but cautious. I had felt rumblings going on down in my womb, cramping and twinges and pulling. I had terrible heartburn every single day, no matter what I ate. It woke me up in the middle of the night. I was getting more and more excited. Surely, I must be pregnant! I thought to myself. A day after my retrieval I started doing acupuncture. The day after my transfer I lay in the acupuncturists room, needles stuck in between my eyebrows, legs, arms, and feet- my hands on my stomach, I felt an energy, a buzz. I could feel them! Then, during week two, the buzz, the energy, it was gone. I felt empty. My HPTs were stark white. My heartburn was gone. At 6dp5dt we had had intercourse and I had bled right afterwards. Adam called our care team, me in a panic, did we do anything wrong? They reassured us we hadn’t, but to refrain from further intercourse to keep from freaking ourselves out. The next 4 days every time I had a bowel movement I bled bright red blood. I called for three days, freaked out. Nothing I could do but wait until my beta. It could be my period coming, but that was too early, or it could be my cervix being sensitive. No way to know until it was time.

The drive to the clinic on the morning of my beta was full of anxiety. I knew it was going to be negative, but did I? I told the phlebotomist that I didn’t think it worked, that I wasn’t pregnant. She gave me a sympathetic look, wished me luck and I went on my way.

I received a phone call from one of the nurses from my care team around lunch time while I was at work and I could tell from her voice and when she asked me if I had a minute to talk to her somewhere private that I knew my fears had been realized. I wasn’t pregnant. Our conversation was a daze and I scheduled my follow up with Dr. Plante for the following Monday (which- in real time, was yesterday.) I hung up and cried into my lunch. My co workers avoided asking me about it, they knew what was going on. I cried to my boss, told her about my follow up, then took an extra long lunch. I called Adam, and my mom. I was so upset.

One of my good friends had a baby show a few days after I got my results and I couldn’t go. I didn’t want to be the crazy lady crying at onesies at her shower. I felt awful but knew it was the right decision. I was just so emotional and raw still.

Yesterday, which was Monday, I had my follow up with Dr. Plante. She said I did everything correctly, and that the cycle was textbook perfect. The embryos were textbook perfect. It is literally a flip of the coin every single time. Luckily for us, I have 5 embryos frozen and waiting for me. We submitted the paperwork to my insurance for my FET (frozen embryo transfer) and I’m currently on birth control pills, as well as my period. Once they get the okay from my insurance, I’ll be given a stop date for the BCP and I’ll have my next steps.

This is a rough journey, an emotional one, and it’s very hard. Now you’re caught up to present day, and I’m onto cycle 3. Hopefully third time is a charm!