If I were to do a full cycle, my retrieval would be around the time my back up at work would be on vacation for two weeks, so I’d have to wait. I have my summer vacation in August, and I don’t want to be stimming or unable to swim because of ER, so I’d have to wait more. If I do wait to do the full cycle, I’d have to put it the transfer off until November or December, because I have weddings scheduled early summer 2017 already and I’d like to be there to photograph them. Ugh. So we’ve switched to an FET. I called and the nurse spoke to Dr. Plante for me. They send the paperwork and we’ve signed off on it. I hate that so many factors are deciding when I try and have a baby. Sigh. I hope I made the right choice.
So in my excitement of my pregnancy, a lot more people found out about it than I had originally intended. Of course all my co-workers knew I was pregnant, they were following along with every step. I assume my boss took care of telling them about what happened today when she helped me sneak out the door without having to speak to anyone. I received the phone call from Dr. P about an hour after I got to work. She asked me had I been bleeding? I said no. I hadn’t really been cramping anymore, either. She said she was a bit puzzled because nothing was seen in my uterus, nor in my tubes, or anywhere… but I also didn’t pass a bunch of tissue for a traditional miscarriage. She had my blood run again and it came back 211. She said she was shocked to see my blood work drop SO LOW. She said if I had had bleeding it would have made sense. So Saturday I’m going back in to have my blood checked again, but tonight I stopped all my medications.
I knew something was wrong when I was there. The tone of the tech, the look on her face. My husband said it didn’t connect for him at the time but afterwards he was thinking about how we were all cheerful and upbeat and she was very somber… and the roller coaster apology of course. I just knew. I was crying on my way to work, my mom was trying to convince me to keep up hope, it was going to be fine. Adam said it seems I have a keen sense into my own body and I’ve known both times the minute it went wrong. I think it’s that plus clues and knowledge of this IVF process. I will note this morning I grabbed my boobs and said “They don’t hurt anymore! Look!” *moves them around with hands all floppily* “I can do whatever I want!”
Also, this is silly, but my in laws bought us balloons when they found out we were pregnant. The “it’s a boy!” balloon was deflated this morning. I thought to myself GOD I hope that’s not a sign. Sigh.
After I got off the phone with Dr. P I started SOBBING. It was so guttural and I just can’t explain it. I tried to clean myself up best I can and went looking for my boss. Couldn’t find her, so I called her. I asked her where she was in the clinic and was across the clinic, where I would have to walk in front of patients. I asked her if she could come talk to me, and I started crying again. She asked me what was wrong and I said I wasn’t pregnant anymore. She said I’ll be right there. I sat down in one of the chairs in my room and put my face in my hands and started crying again. She came in and I think I explained what happened? But mostly she just put one of her arms around me and rubbed my back. Then she sat down next to me and put my head on her shoulder and held me as I wept. I tried to apologize but she said not to. The only back up person that could do my job was leaving very shortly and I mentioned that, but that I just couldn’t stay. She said they could use one of the other machines and that there is always another option. I was hyperventilating and crying and she said “Do what we tell the patients.. breath in deep.. hold your breath.. let it out.. you have to breath.” At that point one of my co workers knocked on the door with a patient and my boss said Wait a minute! and closed the door again. She told me to grab my stuff and we’d go to the staff bathroom so I could wash my face. She asked me if I’d be okay to drive but I said my mom had dropped me off and she’d be coming to get me. She said to wash up, and leave when she was there, I didn’t have to stop to talk to anyone, that was the last thing I needed. I said thank you and she said don’t thank me, I wish I could do more. She gave me a hug and said I love you and left me be. I washed my face and called Adam. He said “What?” and sounded broken, then he started crying and asked me if I was going home. I said yes and he said he’d meet me there. I put my sunglasses on and left clinic as fast as possible, not running into anyone.
My mom took me home and I started cleaning my place immediately, and eating chips. I had been sobbing for some time, and for the car ride home, and when I got home I just numbed over. Adam got home after some time and he was crying, so I held him and my mom left, after hugging us both and saying she was sorry.
We ate our feelings, watched Jersey Shore to turn our brains off, told our in laws, and took naps. I did the I’m not pregnant tour and honestly my friend who had a miscarriage recently was the only person that I felt completely understood, which is probably because she was the only one that did.
I don’t even know what to call this. Was it a chemical? Was it a miscarriage? Was it an ectopic? I just don’t know. I don’t know what happened. Then the what ifs start…
what if I hadn’t missed that dose of metformin?
what if we hadn’t had sex the other night?
what if I didn’t use that progesterone I was allergic to that one night?
what if I didn’t strain while I was trying to go to the bathroom so much a few days ago? (those weird pains I was having)
what if I was doing too much?
what if I was too bitchy and negative?
Now I’m numb. It doesn’t feel real. It didn’t feel real being pregnant and now it doesn’t feel real that I’m no longer pregnant.
I have two weddings this weekend, I need to put this aside and serve my clients. To make beautiful imagery. There is no question in that.
This is so unfair, so fucking bullshit.
I don’t know what happened, but my levels went down to 202. Dr. P is rerunning my blood and trying to figure out what’s happening. That’s all I’ll say for now.
This morning I had my blood work and ultrasound. Everything looks normal on the ultrasound- ovaries, tubes, lining, etc.. other than the fact that the tech saw NOTHING in the uterus. What? My heart dropped. So I hope my embryo/embryos are buried in my lining and that’s why we can’t see them yet. I’m going to stop reading my Ovia pregnancy app, because the information I’m getting from it is not accurate according to this morning’s ultrasound. I was going by an IVF calculator in the first place so I’m going to forget that all for now. The tech sounded sad for me and said “Sorry you have to be on this roller coaster” to which I said thank you. So now I’m worried and waiting by the phone, as usual. Hopefully my numbers are rising and I am still pregnant.
I felt weird ALL DAY yesterday, like I wanted to jump out of my skin and go run around really fast. That’s gone today, but I woke up to really strong cramps that felt like my period was coming. Also sharp sharp pains off and on. I put my finger up there to check the scene and had some brown discharge, but not a lot, and my care team said that was normal. They think the cramping is normal too but they’re going to call me back after they talk to the doctor. Pregnancy is scary stuff, you just don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. Ahh!
I cancelled two bridal expos I had booths at in January. I hadn’t paid a deposit and they were asking me for money to secure my slot. I don’t think anyone would want to hire an 8 month pregnant wedding photographer- even if their wedding wasn’t for a while after I was no longer pregnant! Also, if it snows, or I go in to labor early, or so many what ifs… plus bridal expos are long and tiring days, and even not pregnant I ended up exhausted. I have 3 more weddings separating me and relaxation all the time, other than my day job and until September when I have some more weddings. As for canceling the expos, I’m sort of concerned about stagnating my business but I need to take care of peppercorn and myself. I’m a little nervous that I didn’t wait long enough but I couldn’t really wait anymore.
I hope my peppercorn is okay!
I had my third beta today. My results were 689. I have a 4th blood draw (are they called betas still after number 3?) on Friday. I’m a little nervous as most people seem to only have 3 and then they are on to ultrasound scheduling but I also read that you have to have an HCG level of 1000 for that.
My pain is gone today, thankfully, and I’m hoping it was just indigestion. I do feel weird, however. I feel like I can’t breathe, but I can breathe fine.. and my limbs feel weird. It must be anxiety. I’ve had anxiety my whole life, you’d think I’d recognize it by now. I used to have very severe attacks. One of my co workers pointed out that pregnancy hormones do crazy things, so that could be it. I also had to take progesterone in oil last night because I didn’t have the special compound (ethyl oleate) that I’ve been using, so it could be that, too. I feel like crying, I feel like sleeping, and I’m dizzy and just feel WEIRD.
I posted to one of my IVF support groups about my number and one woman so far said my number sound great, generally they just want to be safe. So… I’m going to try and relax. I’m still pregnant, and according to the beta calculator my numbers are rising every 2.27 days- which is good! (you want to see between 2 and 3 ideally)
So I guess that’s that for now!
Beta #1- 64
Beta #3- 689
5 weeks, 2 days pregnant
Beta number 2 was 111, “a nice rise” they say. It’s hard not to compare my betas to others, but I have to remember we are all different, and the fact that I am indeed pregnant. I’m scared something is going to take it away from me. Next beta is next Wednesday the 15th. According to my new Ovia pregnancy app, Baby C is the size of a poppy seed.
Oh! I also found this very comforting and informative-
Beta #1- 64