“The momentum of IVF is hope. And hope is a very complex emotion. It’s an addiction. You do round after round and you hope you have eggs to harvest. Then you hope the embryos fertilise. Then you hope and wish and pray that the pregnancy will continue successfully. You’re on a treadmill of hope and it’s a very powerful emotional drug.”
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So very true. As we prepare for round 6 to begin, I think about the fact that while we are ending it after this, whether it works or not, and our plan to have the remaining (subpar) embryos destroyed so my husband and I can move forward, whether it be with a pregnancy or simply with a non-IVF-obsessed life. Hell, we were going to be done after 3. Then I got my thyroid news and went to round 4 and got pregnant and miscarried, and thought, well then there’s hope so we went to round 5, then after that fail we learned about ERA and found out transfer day was wrong all along, so now we’re on round 6. WTF, right? I have no regrets for going this far but it’s definitely not the road we thought we’d be on, and so whenever I encounter those newbies to IVF out there, all I say is “be open to wherever your mind and heart take you”. But we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that a life awaits us beyond this final round, and while we so deeply and truly hope it is a chapter of pregnancy and birth and family, if it’s not we know that it’s simply time to move forward. But the pull to keep trying, I get it, so damn much.
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