Non IVF related post.

Adam’s cousin, N, gave birth to her beautiful son maybe 2 and a half years ago? She also lost her mother to cancer, two years ago. She was supposed to get married in October to her wonderful fiancé. He was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. They just found out it’s stage 4 and he has MONTHS left to live. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about them since I heard about it. How unfair. He’s in his very early 30’s… they just bought a house in the last year or two, have been getting ready for their October wedding, raising their very young son together.. it’s just so cruel. I feel so bad for the whole family. N, losing her mother to cancer and a couple years later about to lose her soon to be husband… poor E, facing death at such a young age.. their son, losing his father so young. Both her parents are deceased. I just can’t stop thinking about it. How unfucking fair.

I feel like my head is above water for the first time in a long time. I’ve been feeling down, negative, and not my self for months. Feels like such a long time. It’s passed though. I can breathe again.

In the morning before I get up fully, I sometimes scroll through my FB feed. This morning I did so and saw a girl I went to college with, she had an announcement that she’s due in October. Just now, I saw a client of mine post pics of her newborn daughter. I’m not bitter or upset about it today, just intensely yearning for a life I hope to have soon. Maybe that’s a good sign my hope is returning. ❤

Today is the first day I’m feeling like a human. I’m sending Adam with a list of questions for tomorrow’s follow up.

“The momentum of IVF is hope. And hope is a very complex emotion. It’s an addiction. You do round after round and you hope you have eggs to harvest. Then you hope the embryos fertilise. Then you hope and wish and pray that the pregnancy will continue successfully. You’re on a treadmill of hope and it’s a very powerful emotional drug.”

I stayed home from work today. Between last night’s acupuncture and sleeping most of the day, I feel slight improvements. If I could only poop!

I was on FB just now, cruising my feed, and this woman I knew several years back posted a pregnancy announcement. She’s due with her third in the summer. As always the sadness and bitterness takes over, then the guilt lays on top of that, making it a big shit sandwich. SO MANY people are pregnant. It really feels like it’s never going to happen.

I’m still feeling pretty awful post retrieval. The yearning inside to leave work and go home and go to bed is SO strong. I have acupuncture after work, I hope that will help. I wish I could skip it but I probably shouldn’t. If I had any time off left I would take the rest of the day and tomorrow off. It seems when I get extended amounts of rest, I start to feel better, but after working half the day, I go back to feeling worse. I took some pics of my belly, which maybe I’ll share another time- I seriously look super pregnant. I can’t wait for this part to be over. I’m so uncomfortable. My co worker’s don’t understand how shitty this feels. There’s no way to convey it.

Retrieval done! This was the view from our drive home, which took two and a half hours (as opposed to an hour.) I’m quite sore today! We are also doing a freeze all, no fresh transfer for me. That’s because..

That’s about it for now! The 20th is my dad’s birthday- and the first day of spring! Let’s hope that brings us some luck.

So things are looking up and not so weird anymore! I had blood work and scans 4 days in a row.. twice an hour away from my house this past weekend. I am so tired. Finally my eggs are ready to rock. I started taking an extra med to help combat over stimulation last night. As Dr. V said in her voice mail “there’s a lot cooking in there!”

I triggered last night around 9:40. We freaked out because it was in my arm as opposed to my bum. It ended up being fine of course. My mother in law was shaking and I was holding my father in law’s hand. ❤ Adam was too queasy for it.

I feel like utter shit today. This morning I was willing myself not to throw up, I’m still nauseous, I’m exhausted and dizzy, have a headache, I’m SO bitchy, my boobs ache, and I spent 15 minutes in the bathroom at work this morning with diarrhea. Thanks metformin/HCG! On top of all of that I am very bloated and feeling super uncomfortable with all these eggs. BUT! I’m just thankful they caught up and we didn’t have to cancel the cycle. It’s weird feeling bitchy but also happy. HA. We are staying with friends closer to the fertility center tonight so we can venture out into the blizzard. Hopefully this brings us some weird luck!

Now to struggle through the rest of my day..