Provera labs

I will be having blood work on Monday so I can start a provera period. My natural period stopped coming, no shocker there. After that I’ll go on BC, and after our insurance approves our cycle we’ll get started. I haven’t heard from my insurance since the¬†fertility center submitted the paperwork for this cycle. I’m a little nervous with all that’s going on here that I won’t be able to do ANY IVF cycles. I read this proposed “Personhood” bill that would make IVF out of the question for anyone. Scary times, among other things.

I’ve been feeling really detached from IVF. Still going to therapy, in a major depressive episode, and it’s not just because of IVF. I’ve been going to spin and yoga and trying my best to keep going. I had a wedding expo last weekend and I’ve been pretty busy.

It feels like I’ll never be a mom. Never have kids. I don’t know.

Vivid dream

I had the most vivid dream the other night. It had a weird “storyline” per dreams- someone else birthed my baby, but it was mine indeed- surrogate? Anyway, the baby was given to me, a little boy, and I just remember the love that welled up in me. I breastfed the baby, and then flash, we were out and walking about, he was all bundled up. At that point he might have been a girl?

Anyway, it doesn’t sound like much, but it’s been haunting me for days.

Happy Monday.


edited to add- Someone I went to college with posted a pic of his newborn girl, a name I had considered. It fucking hurts man.

Follow up, on to the next cycle

I had my F/U with Dr. Plante today. Adam’s sperm analysis was worse that it was the last two times. His morphology is bad, as well as the motility, and the count of course. He went from 4% (of something..) to 1%. She said we can still proceed, and we aren’t in donor sperm territory. The many polyps she removed were probably from the hormone treatments, and probably did not lend themselves to my miscarriage. They will most likely come back. She said with this new sperm analysis things are becoming a little more clear to her, and most likely it’s a sperm issue as opposed to an egg issue. I asked her if there was anything Adam could do to improve his numbers, and she said he can go back to see the Uriologist, and that sometimes Clomid helps. So he’s going to do that. We’re waiting on one of his blood tests to come back, and once it does in a week and a half or so, we will be ready to submit to insurance. My body has some time off, until my period for this month comes. Then it will be Day 1 and we’ll be on our way again.

I hope 2017 is the year.

It just hurts.

I’ve been avoiding Facebook lately, happy to work on my photography business or read a book. I just finished The Fiery Cross, book number 5 of the Outlander series. Straight onto book number 6..

anyway, I decided to check out FB today and the first dozen posts were happy pregnant ladies or babies. I can’t. It seriously crushes me. Instagram is the same. I quickly Xed out of Facebook. Adam’s good friend and his wife are expecting baby number 2, due in August. I can’t escape everyone’s joy and due dates and baby news. I almost started to cry when he told me. I can’t explain how awful it feels to be upset at such happy news but also happy for them at the same time, but mostly in your own sorrow. I’m sure a lot of you understand, have been there at some point.

Tomorrow I have my follow up with Dr. Plante, and then once Adam’s blood tests come back we will be submitting to insurance to start our next cycle.