Next steps

Well, Friday SHOULD be my D&C, but I’m waiting for a call tomorrow to confirm. I have to get a rhogam shot because my blood is O-.. this is the first I’m hearing about it that pertains to me. I’m also going to be doing some additional testing after my hCg levels return to negative.

I’ve decided to take a break after this. I am hoping to get one more retrieval in before the year ends as I will be changing insurances so we’ll have more than two more attempts left. I wish they didn’t count frozen transfers as a cycle, I still think that’s bogus, but I have to remember I’m lucky and a lot of people pay out of pocket for it all. I won’t be able to do a transfer until February probably, because of wedding photography schedules. Who knows what I will end up doing. I know this break is good for me, but another part of me wants this so bad I want to continue and to not waste any time.

I had ordered a fitbit, some new sneakers, and wireless headphones Monday night. I’ve put on 20 pounds since I started the IVF portion of our TTC journey and was overweight before that, so I’m looking to lose 30-40 pounds. I’m going to focus on getting fit and healthy again for the time being.

I’ve silenced most of my IVF support groups on FB so I don’t have to read about anything, and I left the pregnancy groups. I don’t know how active I’ll be around here, but I’ll try my best to keep up with you all. I’m sure I’ll be posting after my D&C and such, but after that I might lay off.

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The End.

Our baby is gone. He was measuring at 6 weeks 3 days and 6 weeks 4 days- so there were a few days of growth since last time, but obviously not a lot. The heartbeat is gone. I went to work but my boss said if I wanted to leave she understood, and so I did. I’m relieved to be out of limbo, as bad as that sounds, but I am numb and sad. I was prepared for this outcome- more so than a positive one, but it still really really sucks. I’ll be talking to Dr. Plante around lunch to discuss next steps.

Is this the end? I don’t know.

I woke up at 4 am with some sharp sharp pains. I couldn’t tell if they were gas pains (I have IBS) or in my uterus. I went back to sleep. I’ve had a few one off sharp pains today that I know for sure were in my uterus. I’m also getting random sharp pains in my cervix but they come and go so quickly I forget about them. Other than that everything feels quiet down in my womb. Just after typing that I felt a twinge. I hate not knowing what’s happening. I started googling “strong heartbeat but two weeks behind” again and I’ve read the same posts over and over again. I go from positive to negative so much I don’t know which was is up. This really sucks. I need tomorrow morning to happen. I am 9 weeks and 1 day today.

Edited to add- and now 12 minutes later I have some nausea and I remember that I also woke up with night sweats last night- which has only been a thing for me since I’ve been pregnant. Tricky tricky.

Only a few more days.

I’ve been feeling pregnant still. I’m not really overanalyzing my symptoms like I was. Sore boobs now and then, cramping (like before), and I’ve been really tired. Sometimes I wake up feeling sick like I was. I ask my little one all the time if they’re still hanging around. I figure he must be if I can feel these things, but you never know I guess. I’m prepared for either outcome, but I’m hoping for the best. I’m tired.

 

“Nothing is guaranteed”

Last night I had a therapy session- my therapist squeezed me in. Thankfully. I feel much better today after talking with her. We talked about my situation and she was saying that though she understands wanting to shield myself from what feels like the inevitable, nothing is guaranteed. I was telling her a lot of what I said here. I’m scared to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one alone to fight by himself. So for now I’m going to love him all I can, treat myself as if I were normally pregnant, and not look at the past or the future, just be in the now. I’m sure that will change the closer I get to the next scan, but what else can I do? He’s got a strong heartbeat for now, so momma will try and be strong, too.

 

P.S.- I do NOT want to be at work.

Weird limbo continues. Ultra sound Tuesday.

I spoke with Dr. P. She says the heartbeat is really strong, so sadly we remain in limbo. She said sometimes it’s hard to get a good measurement this early on in pregnancy, so we just have to wait and see. I have another ultrasound next Tuesday to see what’s going on. She said if theres a strong heartbeat next week she will graduate me to my OBGYN. She said that if this pregnancy does goes to term she doesn’t want me to miss out on first trimester testing. I told her I hadn’t stopped my meds, and she said I could stop the Estrace but to continue my progesterone. I skipped last night because I felt it was over, so I’ll start that up again.

Now to add more worry, I just went and tried to have a BM and I strained. Afterward I had some pink/cloudy red bleeding down there. I called and left my care team a message. Who knows what’s going on. I’m so confused and lost. I don’t want to have false hope, but I don’t want to leave my little one on their own to fight alone. This hurts.

Weird limbo continues.

Well, my instincts were wrong. The baby is still in there. The heart rate was measuring 156 BPM or something like that, which the tech said was totally normal. However, there has been absolutely no growth. At this point the baby is two weeks behind, measuring at 6 weeks 1 day.  It really hurts to see the heartbeat and know it’s not going to last. 1The black space around the baby is getting smaller. Thursday it was much rounder. I don’t know what that means. So yeah. Now to wait for Dr. Plante to call.

I think he’s gone.

Before I went to sleep last night, or.. this morning at 3 am, I had a little talk with my baby. All along I’ve felt he’s a boy, so I’m going to refer to him as a he. I told him that I’d love for him to stay, and that his dad is awesome and I’m cool too and we’d love to have him with us. I also told him that if he needed to go, that was okay too, and to take his time about it. His body is my body. I prayed some, and as you may know, I’m shakey at best in any faith, and just had my hands on my stomach the entire time. A few minutes after I was done and falling asleep I felt a little “pop” in my womb. I tried to look it up but got only 2nd trimester information, so I shrugged it off and fell asleep.

This morning I woke up and felt different. It’s hard to explain. I feel empty. I feel like he’s gone. I don’t feel him anymore. I tried to explain it to Adam but it’s hard to put into words. I feel alone, like it’s just me again, and my little one is gone and doesn’t need my body anymore. Adam asked me if I was sad and I said I’ve been sad. I just feel numb I guess. A sense of dread washed over me for tomorrow’s scan. I guess we’ll see.

Weird limbo.

I’ve been checking for blood every single time I go to the bathroom, as well as every time I wake up, and so far, no bleeding. I’m still quite tired but not as tired as I was, and my nausea has been very minimal. I am still getting cramps like I did when the pregnancy first started, and this makes me wonder if there is any growth happening, even if it’s not viable. I told Adam this is such a shitty limbo to be in. I can’t wait for Tuesday, just to find out what’s going on. I read one story a few minutes ago where the baby was 4 days behind with a very very slow heartbeat, second US the baby hadn’t had any growth barely but the heartbeat rose, and at the third US had finally caught up. The baby was born at 41 weeks. I’m not holding on to hope that that could be our situation, but it was interesting to read.

Yesterday I shot a wedding and there were a few pregnant ladies present, but for the most part I was in photographer mode and it didn’t get to me as it would normally.

Every morning I wake up and remember that the baby inside of me is either dead or slowly dying. It’s really depressing.

We went and saw The Light Between Oceans this evening, and it probably wasn’t the best choice in movies but I had been wanting to see it for some time. My husband wasn’t very prepared for it, even though he knew the premise. SPOILER_ in the movie the wife has two miscarriages, and needless to say we were both crying watching this film. It was a good movie, just very sad and depressing.

I’m still taking my Estrace and progesterone and I wonder if those are the causes of my cramping.

Well, that’s it for now.

Dr. P is a sweetheart.

Dr. Plante called to check in on me. In comparison to other doctor I saw, she had so much warmth and care in her voice. Adam had said yesterday it felt like the other doctor was acting, but Dr. P sounded so genuine. She made me feel cared for.She had a little more hope in her than the other doc, but I am still prepared for the worst. I am getting my ultrasound on Tuesday in the office closer to me and I won’t have to go see that other doctor which I am so thankful for. Dr. P said it could go either way, and she hopes and prays the baby will have improved by Tuesday, but that it usually goes the way we don’t want it to go. Then she asked me about my weekend and what I was doing and how I was holding up, if I was okay. I really really appreciate her. I’m so thankful for people like her. I really am.