I think he’s gone.

Before I went to sleep last night, or.. this morning at 3 am, I had a little talk with my baby. All along I’ve felt he’s a boy, so I’m going to refer to him as a he. I told him that I’d love for him to stay, and that his dad is awesome and I’m cool too and we’d love to have him with us. I also told him that if he needed to go, that was okay too, and to take his time about it. His body is my body. I prayed some, and as you may know, I’m shakey at best in any faith, and just had my hands on my stomach the entire time. A few minutes after I was done and falling asleep I felt a little “pop” in my womb. I tried to look it up but got only 2nd trimester information, so I shrugged it off and fell asleep.

This morning I woke up and felt different. It’s hard to explain. I feel empty. I feel like he’s gone. I don’t feel him anymore. I tried to explain it to Adam but it’s hard to put into words. I feel alone, like it’s just me again, and my little one is gone and doesn’t need my body anymore. Adam asked me if I was sad and I said I’ve been sad. I just feel numb I guess. A sense of dread washed over me for tomorrow’s scan. I guess we’ll see.

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