It was a she. She was a girl.

I got the phone call about the genetic testing of the pregnancy tissue. Basically it was normal and they don’t know what caused the miscarriage, and there was no mother infiltration. “We’re still in limbo.” Dr. P says. I need additional testing. One of the doctors I worked for started talking to me while my doctor was talking on the phone so I was half in and half out of the conversation. I’m so frustrated about that. The baby was a girl. I’m devastated all over again. I had to do a patient immediately and the patient had an interpreter and another person in the room and I just wanted everyone to be quiet for a minute. After that the doctor came in and had 3 med students with him and everything was so loud, and the phone was ringing off the hook and no one was on the line and I just wanted to fucking SCREAM.

After a quick cry in the bathroom and a quick chat with Adam I’m back at my desk.

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Pregnancy feed on FB

I’ve hidden some recent mother’s from my feed, and now in the past few days there have been two pregnancy announcements, and they’re due around the time I was due, as well as another woman who is due the month before I was due. It hurts more than I can convey.

Contrary to what you think from this post, I haven’t spent all my time thinking about this, in fact, I’ve been spending very little time thinking about it. I’ve re-done my website, shot two amazing engagement sessions, booked a wedding for next year, scheduled a consultation for this week, designed a new logo, second shot an incredible wedding, and I have a few inquiries in the wings. I have two weddings coming up in the next two weeks.

I’m busy. But when this breaks through, it fucking breaks through. I flip flop from incredibly sad to incredibly angry. Why not me? Why the fuck have I achieved pregnancy twice, even saw a heartbeat and yet I’m still not pregnant.

What the fuck man.

Healing

I had some awful cramping after my last post. They were so so bad. They were coming in waves, exactly 4 minutes apart.. like contractions! Not that I’ve ever had those. I passed a clot a few hours later. I’ve started working hard on photography stuff- everything is churning again. Energy renewed. I shot the best engagement shoot of my career, I’m building my new website- which I put 6 hours into after work yesterday- so basically I worked all day. I did my yearly expenses and profits for photography and have big plans. It’s nice to focus on something else other than my failure (thus far) to become a mom. I’ve also lost 3 pounds on weight watchers 🙂

I was really depressed but I feel it lifting. Thing will be okay.

Post D&C

I haven’t had much bleeding at all, or any cramping.. until Sunday at 12:15 am, and it’s just getting increasingly more painful. I hope there isn’t an infection. I have an engagement session about an hour and a half away from where I this afternoon (it’s 2 am)- here’s to hoping I can make that okay! I keep flip flopping from being totally fine to very sad and depressed. I can’t wait for this ordeal to be done with.

I thought this would be good to share. “Everything doesn’t happen for a reason”

Someone I know who has gone through a tragic loss very recently- posted this on her FB and it resonated with me so much.

 

“These myths are nothing more than platitudes cloaked as sophistication, and they preclude us from doing the one and only thing we must do when our lives are turned upside down: grieve.”

http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason

Well, the D&C is done.

And I took a long long nap afterward. I feel a little better emotionally already. Strange isn’t it? To say it was an emotional day is a huge under statement. I had a small panic attack this morning. I cried when I got there. I cried when Dr. V came in. I cried HARD when they brought me into the room. Everyone was so sweet. Dr. V held my hand while I cried. Dr. V said to us, and I quote “sometimes nature just pisses on you.” which Adam and I thought was hilarious and we couldn’t stop laughing about it. She said it straight faced. She also told us the sac was abnormally large so that the pregnancy was meant to end. She told me we make great embryos, it’s just a matter of getting a good one to stick. They’re going to do chromosomal testing on the tissue, and they took blood to compare mine to the baby’s. I asked them if they could find out the sex as well, to which they said yes… as long as they got a good sample. I swear to you guys it was a boy, but we’ll see. They gave me my rhogram shot while I was under, which is much appreciated. I told the anesthesiologist to “Drug me up, lady” and she sure did. I have to go get blood work on the 30th to see if my hCg has gone down to 0.

Now, the healing can begin.

Cruel dream

I had such a a vivid dream of Adam and I with a baby boy. Adam was amazing with him. We were trying to figure out a name. I also dreamed of him being around my entire family, and my dad especially. I’m so sad about it, god damn it hurts.

I reapplied for FMLA again, so I can keep my job safe. I had to report 11 full days, and 3 other days where I had appointments to go to. There’s a rule about timely reporting of these days but I was denied the FMLA. This is so frustrating because why would I report days if I was denied? We’ll see what happens. Fortunately my work is understanding.

Yesterday afternoon at work and last night I was getting cramps and pain in my back. I was also getting sharp stabbing pains in my cervix. I was scared I was going to miscarriage naturally before I had the chance to get to my appointment on Friday. Luckily I took a long nap after work and those things mostly went away.

I’m so depressed. I’m very nervous about the D&C tomorrow but I just need it to happen so I can heal.

We are far from where we need to be but the movement has been growing for years and is finally making some headway in mainstream birth. But just as it is true that mothers have the right to a dignified birth and true evidence based care, they also have a right to that when it comes to miscarriage.

via Your Rights During a Miscarriage —