Pregnancy loss follow up, looking to cycle 4

I had a follow up with Dr. Plante today. While we can’t prove it, she is leaning toward my early pregnancy loss being a tubal one, from the intense pain I was having on my one side. She thinks the embryo was pushed out of my tube before we did that ultrasound which is why we didn’t see anything, but of course we can never prove it. So we’re just calling it an early pregnancy loss. I only have one cycle left before she has to reapply for me to get two additional cycles, which will be it for me- at least on my insurance, so we are going to do another fresh cycle. My 3 remaining frosties are a B and two C-. My insurance counts FETs as cycles so it’s like I’m getting an “extra” transfer with the fresh, unless I overstimulate like my first cycle, as well as more frosties in case my remaining 3 cycles don’t work. So! They’re sending in the paperwork and off I go in the next few weeks for cycle 4, my 3rd full IVF cycle.

The good news is I was able to get pregnant, and that if I did have a tube pregnancy, it situated itself before it got scary. Also another good thing is I got a lot of good quality eggs with my last fresh cycle’s protocol, so as long as I do the same thing again, I feel like we should be good. I hope! My optimism is dwindled and muted, but I’m trying to trudge on. Adam asked me how I felt about it after I asked HIM, because “it’s your body getting fucked with, not mine.” I told him I’ll do what I have to do, and he called me his Xena.

I guess warrior princesses don’t always feel as such.

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Starting to feel so much better

My energy has returned, I do not feel constantly bitchy, I can smile and laugh more freely. Wow. That was rough. Onto “round 4.” I hope it isn’t a full IVF round.. I have 3 frosties left! I’m so happy I have an additional two cycles- the stress is so much less at this point.

A sense of normalcy returning..

Well, it will be a week tomorrow since we found out about our pregnancy loss. I’m starting to feel a little more “normal.” I felt the fog lifting a bit yesterday. I’m still hurting but it’s not all encompassing. I’m stressed out about other things in my life- my business, work, and money. I feel spread so thin, so I’m sure losing our pregnancy did not help these things.

I started birth control pills yesterday in preparation for whatever is next. I could have waited until my meeting with Dr. P but what waste half a week?

Things are stressful right now but at least I can get out of bed and face the day without the heavy sorrow I was experiencing. That’s it for now.

Also, thanks for everyone’s concern and comments. So very much appreciated.

TMI Tuesday

I’ve started my period. The cramps are horrific, and it’s the THICKEST period I have ever seen in my life. TMI, but like, I could pull HUGE clots out of myself. It’s crazy.

My depression and irritability has been hard to deal with but I’m trying. I saw a photo of myself from my second shooter’s images from the wedding and I am not happy with that, either. Ever since I started this whole IVF journey I’ve probably gained 20 pounds, and I probably need to lose a good 30 pounds at least. I’m going to stop comfort eating and get my ass moving. The endorphins will help with the depression.

Wooo.

HCG= 19

I just got today’s blood work back. My HCG is at 19. I have to go back again on Monday to get my blood drawn again. I want to know exactly what happened and where I go from here, but I guess my HCG levels have to completely diminish first. I don’t know when I’ll be speaking to Dr. P again, I wonder if I should call and ask.

I’m having cramping and light bleeding today.

Work has been hard, I don’t like pretending I’m okay when I’m really not. I think this weekend’s wedding madness took away all my reserves to do so.

Update- They aren’t sure what this was yet. I have a follow up with Dr. Plante on Tuesday of next week. It sounds like a chemical to me, from all my research and other ladies experiences, but I won’t know for sure until I meet with Dr. P.

Crashed today

Well, both weddings went very well and I was able to forget things mostly. I did cry on the way home from the first wedding. Last night I was so exhausted I didn’t event think about anything. I skipped my blood draw on Saturday morning. We didn’t home until 12:30 am Friday night, technically Saturday morning. I would have to get up at 5:30 am, to get to the blood draw for 7 am, and then drive back home, sleep for like a minute, and get back up again to drive another hour for the wedding, work 6 more hours, drive another hour home. Nope. So I slept in. They emailed me and said to come in on Monday, so I’m going before work tomorrow. I’ve never missed a blood draw or appointment this whole process, but why go through all that to find out my levels are indeed dropping? Meh.

Today I visited my parents, and this afternoon was a big family party. There are 4 birthdays this week in Adam’s family. I’m introverted, so all of my social skills were drained from the last two days anyway, and I haven’t had any time to myself so I didn’t last at the party long. I came inside, went to the bathroom, had some pink/light red blood. I think that triggered things, because Adam came in and I started bawling. He held me. I didn’t go back out to the party.

I’m pretty sad and depressed. It isn’t a constant thought but I feel it in my body and my bones.

I love wedding photography

I’m so excited to be photographing a wedding today, to be throwing myself into the day and creating beautiful images for the couple to enjoy for the rest of their lives, and maybe pass down in their family should they choose/are able to have children. I’m so grateful to have this wonderful wedding to photograph today, especially since it’s two of my good friends. At the reception I get to be a guest and my second shooter takes over. Best part of all? No kids in attendance.

Tomorrow’s wedding will be great as well.

At first I was scared I had these things to do but I think it’s best I get to do what I love and not sit home and mope all weekend. Last night I had my tripod out outside at 2 am and was photographing the moon. I forgot all about our loss for a while.

Tomorrow morning I’ll have some blood work and see what’s going on with that. I’ve had some cramping and pulling here and there, and I woke up nauseous but it’s gone now. It’s weird feeling pregnant when you know you aren’t anymore.

Happy Friday!

The I’m not pregnant tour is finished, I think.

So in my excitement of my pregnancy, a lot more people found out about it than I had originally intended. Of course all my co-workers knew I was pregnant, they were following along with every step. I assume my boss took care of telling them about what happened today when she helped me sneak out the door without having to speak to anyone. I received the phone call from Dr. P about an hour after I got to work. She asked me had I been bleeding? I said no. I hadn’t really been cramping anymore, either. She said she was a bit puzzled because nothing was seen in my uterus, nor in my tubes, or anywhere… but I also didn’t pass a bunch of tissue for a traditional miscarriage. She had my blood run again and it came back 211. She said she was shocked to see my blood work drop SO LOW. She said if I had had bleeding it would have made sense. So Saturday I’m going back in to have my blood checked again, but tonight I stopped all my medications.

I knew something was wrong when I was there. The tone of the tech, the look on her face. My husband said it didn’t connect for him at the time but afterwards he was thinking about how we were all cheerful and upbeat and she was very somber… and the roller coaster apology of course. I just knew. I was crying on my way to work, my mom was trying to convince me to keep up hope, it was going to be fine. Adam said it seems I have a keen sense into my own body and I’ve known both times the minute it went wrong. I think it’s that plus clues and knowledge of this IVF process. I will note this morning I grabbed my boobs and said “They don’t hurt anymore! Look!” *moves them around with hands all floppily* “I can do whatever I want!”

Also, this is silly, but my in laws bought us balloons when they found out we were pregnant. The “it’s a boy!” balloon was deflated this morning. I thought to myself GOD I hope that’s not a sign. Sigh.  unnamed

After I got off the phone with Dr. P I started SOBBING. It was so guttural and I just can’t explain it. I tried to clean myself up best I can and went looking for my boss. Couldn’t find her, so I called her. I asked her where she was in the clinic and was across the clinic, where I would have to walk in front of patients. I asked her if she could come talk to me, and I started crying again. She asked me what was wrong and I said I wasn’t pregnant anymore. She said I’ll be right there. I sat down in one of the chairs in my room and put my face in my hands and started crying again. She came in and I think I explained what happened? But mostly she just put one of her arms around me and rubbed my back. Then she sat down next to me and put my head on her shoulder and held me as I wept. I tried to apologize but she said not to. The only back up person that could do my job was leaving very shortly and I mentioned that, but that I just couldn’t stay. She said they could use one of the other machines and that there is always another option. I was hyperventilating and crying and she said “Do what we tell the patients.. breath in deep.. hold your breath.. let it out.. you have to breath.” At that point one of my co workers knocked on the door with a patient and my boss said Wait a minute! and closed the door again. She told me to grab my stuff and we’d go to the staff bathroom so I could wash my face. She asked me if I’d be okay to drive but I said my mom had dropped me off and she’d be coming to get me. She said to wash up, and leave when she was there, I didn’t have to stop to talk to anyone, that was the last thing I needed. I said thank you and she said don’t thank me, I wish I could do more. She gave me a hug and said I love you and left me be. I washed my face and called Adam. He said “What?” and sounded broken, then he started crying and asked me if I was going home. I said yes and he said he’d meet me there. I put my sunglasses on and left clinic as fast as possible, not running into anyone.

My mom took me home and I started cleaning my place immediately, and eating chips. I had been sobbing for some time, and for the car ride home, and when I got home I just numbed over. Adam got home after some time and he was crying, so I held him and my mom left, after hugging us both and saying she was sorry.

We ate our feelings, watched Jersey Shore to turn our brains off, told our in laws, and took naps. I did the I’m not pregnant tour and honestly my friend who had a miscarriage recently was the only person that I felt completely understood, which is probably because she was the only one that did.

I don’t even know what to call this. Was it a chemical? Was it a miscarriage? Was it an ectopic? I just don’t know. I don’t know what happened. Then the what ifs start…

what if I hadn’t missed that dose of metformin?

what if we hadn’t had sex the other night?

what if I didn’t use that progesterone I was allergic to that one night?

what if I didn’t strain while I was trying to go to the bathroom so much a few days ago? (those weird pains I was having)

what if I was doing too much?

what if I was too bitchy and negative?

Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatif

Now I’m numb. It doesn’t feel real. It didn’t feel real being pregnant and now it doesn’t feel real that I’m no longer pregnant.

I have two weddings this weekend, I need to put this aside and serve my clients. To make beautiful imagery. There is no question in that.

This is so unfair, so fucking bullshit.

The waiting continues..

This morning I had my blood work and ultrasound. Everything looks normal on the ultrasound- ovaries, tubes, lining, etc.. other than the fact that the tech saw NOTHING in the uterus. What? My heart dropped. So I hope my embryo/embryos are buried in my lining and that’s why we can’t see them yet. I’m going to stop reading my Ovia pregnancy app, because the information I’m getting from it is not accurate according to this morning’s ultrasound. I was going by an IVF calculator in the first place so I’m going to forget that all for now. The tech sounded sad for me and said “Sorry you have to be on this roller coaster” to which I said thank you. So now I’m worried and waiting by the phone, as usual. Hopefully my numbers are rising and I am still pregnant.

Sigh.

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