I’m agnostic.

I was raised catholic. I was baptized as a baby, I have a God mother and God father, I used to go to church every Sunday. I went to catholic school for a couple of years. I made my first communion, I made my confirmation, and then- I was out. I remember as far back as a child not fully believing in what I was being taught. The body and blood of christ for communion always freaked me out, and a lot of Catholicism I cannot and will not get behind- i.e., gay marriage being a sin, not living together before marriage, all of that stuff.

I’ve always wondered why, with all of the religions in the world, why is christianity the ONE true religion? Who says? Also, the fact that the bible has been translated many times over never sat well with me. Have you ever played a simple game of telephone? Things get twisted QUICKLY. I won’t go as far as saying I’m atheist- I still pray and believe in some higher power, I’m just not sure what it is. I have spirituality. I believe in energy sticking around after someone’s passed- ghosts. I’ve had several experiences with ghosts.

Adam was raised christian. His parents have bounced around to different christian sects (is that how you phrase it?) and are still very active within church. Adam has a relationship with Jesus, or God, and that’s great. I support him. The other night I told him the older I get the more I think that I’m agnostic, and he told me he could tell. I never put a label on it until this past Sunday. On mother’s day we went to church with his mother, and after that service I knew for sure that it was not for me. I didn’t feel connected, or comforted, or anything. At the end of the service was a “Trust and Obey” song that made me feel very uncomfortable. As my therapist said, though, it’s all perspective. Some people take comfort in that kind of thing- I just don’t. That’s okay!

Yesterday I was googling “Do agnostics go to hell?” – can’t escape that former catholic guilt, I guess. Honestly, to me, I’ve always believed that God or whatever higher power there was, would judge us based on our morals and the intention in our hearts. I feel that I have a good moral compass and I try to be kind and fair to others, because that’s how I feel the world should run. I don’t think I’ll be condemned to hell for being unsure if there is a hell in the first place.

In regards to our children, Adam and I have discussed that we will teach them both our viewpoints, teach them that there are many religions in the world, and they’re going to decide for themselves. We won’t be getting them baptized or any of those things, either.

So, yea. I’m agnostic, I’m admitting it finally. I hope religious people reading my blog don’t take offense to this, but it’s my truth.


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