I’m convinced this transfer has resulted in a chemical pregnancy. I’ve been having dry heaves and exhaustion reminiscent of my pregnancy with Hawk, but my HPTs are so so light and they are not getting any darker. I’m close to tears at work and it’s so frustrating. This shit fucking sucks. I thought it was easier, but it’s harder in a way? Or I don’t have the strength and stomach for this that I once had. I’m so thankful to have my sweet boy. I wonder if I should have stopped there. I don’t know if I can keep doing this? I’m sorry for this post, but it’s how I’m feeling.
We had our FET on Thursday of last week. I started testing at home last night. Two BFN so far. I know it’s likely too early, but every pregnancy I’ve had so far I’ve had some sort of even FAINT line at 5dp5dt. I’m feeling discouraged. Yesterday I was feeling majorly pregnant. Adam’s body wash sent me running out of the bathroom with dry heaves. I had to take a nap at my mom’s house before leaving with Hawk because I was falling asleep on the drive there, despite having too much sleep. I’m having sore boobs on and off. Nausea. So.. we’ll see. I thought this part would be easier after having a successful pregnancy, but it’s not. The one comfort I do have is after looking at that BFN, I can wander over to Hawk and give him a hug and kiss and his little face makes me feel better. Official beta is on Tuesday. As for right now? I’m tired, I’m bitchy, and I’m bloated so get me out of these tight ass clothes and into my bed, butt ass naked. lol.
Welllll, today I had blood work and ultrasound and I just got my orders to start popping pills… in my vagina. Smurf vagina here I come! Twice daily. I will have my next set of blood work and ultrasound on 6/19. I should probably start going back to acupuncture, right? Honestly, I thought this was going to be a lot easier the second time around, but I find myself so much more impatient. I know the IVF game is a lot of waiting but UGH. Honestly I’ve had to push my fertility center along quite a bit- they don’t seem as zippy as they were last time. Hm.
In other news.. Hawk is doing so well! He is going to be a year and a half on July 4th. I can’t believe how fast the time flies! We just took him to his first aquarium trip on Sunday and we all had a good time 🙂 He’s also still in swimming classes and we did two different gymnastic class trials. The first one was a little too directed for him- he is still a little guy, after all! So we tried another one and it was MUCH better. He had so much fun.. so I signed him up for that class. He’s becoming very independent. He’s very inquisitive and smart. He thinks mischief is funny- and he’s a funny little guy. He loves to make everyone laugh, but especially Momma and Daddy. He’s saying random words lately including “Go” “going” “shoe” “Hi” “yeah” “Mama” “Dada” “Adam” (haaahaha) and he’s said Grandma and Meme twice each. He loves to run around and get into ‘trouble.’ He LOVES other children and wants to hug and kiss any other kid he sees. I think after some initial jealousy he is going to be an AWESOME big brother. He loves his cartoons- Word Party is his favorite. His Meme lets him watch a little too much TV, so I try to counterbalance that at home. His favorite things to play with are bottles – like soda bottles and single serving milk bottles. He loves to climb and is rocking climbing stairs. He’s a much better sleeper these days- thank the stars for sleep training!
I guess that’s it for now. 🙂
Edit- I forgot to even mention! I had polyps again- so I had to have another procedure to remove those suckers. Last time we did that it resulted in Hawk so.. I hope my uterus is nice and prepped for it’s next (and probably final) occupant!
Well, my little man turned one year old on January 4th! I can hardly believe it. We bought a home and moved in in late November, and it’s wonderful to have our own place. We also have a lot more room for Hawk to gain his walking legs. He’s been walking with a walker toy no problem- and dancing, too! He can stand by himself and take a few steps, but no walking just yet. We just started sleep training him a few days ago. He was having to be rocked to sleep every night and his eyes would pop open once we set him down in the crib so we’d start the process all over again. He’d also wake up around 2-3 in the morning and I’d carry him to our bed, but then he was starting to wake us up between 4 and 6 am. It was time. The first night he cried for 46 minutes straight, with three checks ins. Second night, 43 minutes, third night 22 minutes, and last night 16 minutes! Suffice to say it’s working. 🙂 I refused for a long time because it was hard to hear him like that but our pedi said it would only get worse… I’m glad we’ve done it! We’ve also weaned him off formula and his bottle and he’s taken to it quite well. My little man is growing up!
We also had our first meeting back with Dr. P about baby number two just yesterday. We brought Hawk along to meet her and of course she loved him- who doesn’t! She said “You and I go way back.” to him, which made me laugh. We’re going to do baseline testing- I’m going to have a 3D ultrasound (which they weren’t doing at the practice in 2016), a sono HSG, a recurrent loss blood test (on account of my two losses) and the regular day 3 rig a maroll. I can’t start anything yet though- BECAUSE I’VE BEEN BLEEDING FOR A MONTH STRAIGHT! I passed a freaky clot that looked like a tiny LEG, but it was a decedual cast. Today I had an internal ultrasound with my OBGYN and my lining is 1.12 cm- so no wonder I have all these clots coming out! She’s put me on Provera, which I will stop taking Friday, and hopefully all of that gunk will finally come out- in a few days, not a month plus. It’s like I’m giving birth to these HUGE clots. At least I feel a bit better now that I know what’s going on.
So that’s that! Once my uterus is sorted and I get a normal (for me, anyway) period, we can start testing and get on to the frozen transfer. We have six embryos on ice. We only need one!
I haven’t updated in a while. I feel like that’s how every journal entry starts now.
Hawk is 10 months old and he is such a cool dude. He has eight teeth, he crawls VERY fast and is chomping at the bit to walk. He pulls himself up on anything, and he says Da-da, yeah, and is just recently making a lot of OOOO sounds and faces. He said whoa once, in the correct context. For Halloween he was an Ewok and was super adorable.
Feeding– He officially weened off the breast at 9 months. I couldn’t handle the biting anymore, and I do NOT miss pumping at work, or in general. I don’t miss leaky boobs or the pain either. It was emotional but I got over it reeeeeally quickly. I am proud we made it as far as we did. He transitioned beautifully as he was having the bottle during the day with my mom, anyway. We are feeding him more food now a days, he’s a bit picky but starting to get the hang of it.
Sleeping– He JUST dropped his night feed in the last week, which I loveeee. Last night he slept the entire night in his crib without any wake ups. He seems to sleep better when we don’t put the Owlet foot monitor on him.. I’m warming up to the idea of ditching it all together but the comfort it brings you is addicting. If he does wake up now, it’s usually around 4 am and I bring him into the bed with us. Only if we are both in bed, as he would most certainly roll or crawl off if we are both not in bed. He takes very short naps during the day.
Mom, aka ME– I’m very busy, but fine. I’m going to make time for my work outs soon as wedding season is officially over and…
WE BOUGHT A HOUSE! We are closing in a few weeks… 🙂
Marriage- Doing great 🙂
Photography biz– Wrapping up this season… editing and album design when I can!
That’s it for now.. heavy talks about our next (and last) baby. We probably want to start trying in February. Holy moly!
I haven’t updated in forever! Hawk is rounding on 8 months in a few days- I can’t believe it!
Feeding– He’s eating solids twice a day now. I had him try watermelon almost a month ago and he made a little gagging noise and it FREAKED Adam out so we (he) decided we should wait another month to do food like that as opposed to the jars- even though I told him it was normal! Still, he was very nervous so it was the right decision.
I’ve been still breastfeeding but last night I decided I am done. Hawk has been biting me quite hard and with two more teeth on their way I just CAN’T do it anymore. He smirks when I tell him no. SO last night I tried to quit cold turkey- that did NOT work. So we are doing a slow wean. My boobs are SO sore and painful. I stopped pumping last week. My goal was a year but I just can’t anymore. I had a very emotional reaction to breaking this but mom friends tell me that’s get better. I also feel like a failure not making it to my goal of a year, even though I know I’m not. He’s a very healthy boy and fed is best!
Sleeping– Depends on the night. Last night was AWFUL and the night before was great. Still needs a lot of snuggles… I tried to do sleep training and I just couldn’t bear him crying so hard. So.. we’ll see. This is in flux.
Mom, aka ME– I chopped all my hair off which felt great. I stopped on my diet and yoga because life got real busy. I can feel it in my bones. My goal is to start up again. I’ve gained 3 pounds back but I’m still under the weight I was when I got pregnant so…
Marriage- It’s fine! Lately we have been apart more often than not.. but that happens during wedding season. Miss my hubs ❤
Photography biz– BUSY.
Chugging right along, I can’t believe it’s May! Hawk will be attending his first wedding (outside of the womb, har har) this Friday. Our former roommate and good friend is getting married. I am so psyched to be a guest and even more psyched that Hawk is coming along! I remember watching new families dancing together at weddings and getting so so emotional and feeling awful. I am looking forward to the wedding and getting to boogey with my boys!
Some personal stuff has been going on with Adam’s family the last few weeks- and it’s moved our plans in a new direction. We are going to need to move in the next year and we don’t want to rent ever again, so… looks like we will be buying a house sooner rather than later! I’ve chatted with a mortgage lender and a realtor (my aunt) and we have a loose plan in place for the time being. Things probably won’t start really moving until the fall. I wasn’t going to be second shooting this season so I could spend all my free time with Hawk but the best laid plans… we need the money. Adam’s mom is most likely going to be living with us in a built on addition, as the duplexes I am finding online are so gross.
Speaking of plans, last night we sat down and had a discussion about having another baby. Immediately after I gave birth to Hawk I was like NOPE, NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN. Of course, I have changed my mind. I always said one or two, and I am really wanting to have one more baby. Adam is nervous financially so we discussed that aspect of things. Right now we are going to brain on it more, but the both of us are leaning toward yes. We don’t want to wait too long, so February will be the time we start trying if we do decide to have another baby. That gives my body a year to recover. We have six embryos on ice so I’m hoping that one of those is our next baby! We’re not going to pick the sex or anything, just see what happens. If we have any left over we will be donating them to science. I really don’t ever want to do a fresh cycle of IVF ever again- I think three was enough. I know I’m lucky and that women do many many more than three.
Feeding– Doing well! I started him on rice cereal and oatmeal last week.. maybe two weeks ago? We don’t always have the time to do it with our schedules but he gets better at it every time he tries. Still breast feeding when at home. I pump twice a day at work and generally can pump 12-15 oz. My freeze stash ran out already so my mom supplements with formula, as the big guy eats about 22 oz a day.
Sleeping– He’s sleeping well! He still wakes me up one to two times a night but that’s fine with me, we both go right back to sleep afterward.
Mom, aka ME– Doing well! As long as I stay on my anti depressant I am great mood wise. I am kinda running around like a busy lady again so I gotta watch out. I’ve lost 8 pounds on Weight Watchers and try to get to yoga twice a week, the last two weeks it’s been more like once a week. The yoga has greatly improves my back.
Marriage- Great! We love hanging out with our little family of three- plus Cal!
Photography biz– Slower this season, I have 9 full weddings and already shot an elopement. I’ve been struggling to get my new office up and running. Honestly my heart isn’t in it as much as it was, but I think that’s normal for a new mom who works full time on top of running a business. 🙂
Hawk is my entire world. ❤ He will be 5 months old on June 4th!
I’m a bad blogger now. I barely ever pick up my laptop anymore. I had to remind myself to edit the elopement I shot on the 13th- which I love the images so much, and had a great time back at it! But my little man takes up most of my attention.
I went back to work on the 26th of March and it’s been fine! Everyone was very glad to have me back and it felt great being so missed and appreciated. I miss my little man during the day but it makes the weekends THAT MUCH sweeter. Work is going just fine and it’s nice to be able to fly around the clinic without the pregnancy weight making my crotch feel like it’s ripping apart and being a total total bitch. I was seriously such a bitch.
Feeding– Going very well! Still no nipple shield. I pump three times a day while I’m at work so Hawk is still eating my breast milk while my mom watches him. We breastfeed when we are together. He wakes up twice during the night for a feed but it isn’t a bother. He eats, goes back to sleep, then I go back to sleep. I tried formula my first couple of nights back to work and while he DID sleep 6+ hours in one stretch, I hate the smell of formula and find it to be a pain in the ass. Not knocking formula, for me FED IS BEST! but I will just stick with the breast 🙂
Sleeping– Doing well! He goes down for the night anywhere between 8 and 9:15 pm. I usually go to bed at the same time after our routine. Like I said, he wakes once or twice a night and that’s it. He’s a great napper. He gets pissed if he’s not going to bed when he’s ready, haha
Mom, aka ME– Doing very well! I started Weight Watchers last week and even though I don’t know exactly (I weigh myself at work on Thursday) I believe I am a couple pounds down already. I have also started doing bikram yoga – which is a style of yoga I never tried before- and it’s kicking my ass in the best way. I’ve been having back problems and yoga is really helping, and I also got a massage this weekend that helped, as well.
Marriage- Great! In fact hubs and I had an impromtu slow dance session not but an hour ago. ❤
Photography biz– I found a beautiful office that is smaller than my studio was, so it’s affordable. I got the keys the first week of April and haven’t done a thing with it yet. I had my first session of the season with an elopement on the 13th and my wedding season starts next month. I have 5 less weddings than I did last year, but I’m okay with it. I’m still trying to figure out how it will all work with the business, the baby, and my full time job.
Hawk is still a wonderful baby. He is such a happy little guy! He lights up a room. I will never be able to properly convey the love I feel for him. ❤ Here are some photos!
I stopped blogging because #MOMLIFE. I seriously always wondered why people couldn’t keep up with emails or blogging or any of that stuff when they were on maternity leave. Surely the baby sleeps at some points and you’d be surfing the net, yeah?
Wellll here I am, in the last few weeks of my maternity leave, and I haven’t been really picking up my laptop at all. Being a mom to a newborn takes A LOT of energy, and when I do have a free minute I want to veg out and watch tv with my full attention, take a nap, take a shower, or eat something.
I always thought I would be looking forward to getting back to work- and I am certainly NOT. If I could just run my photography business and raise Hawk I’d do it in a heartbeat. I am going to miss him SO MUCH when I go back and honestly it feels WAY too early to be doing so. I’m really thankful my mom will be watching him- it will help calm my nerves!
Now, what to say? I guess I can break it down by category..
Feeding– I’m still breastfeeding. In the last week and a half we have FINALLY ditched the nipple shield- which is a pain in the ass when your kid has crazy arms and knocks it off, haha. It’s so much easier just to latch him on to my boob. I introduced the bottle at 4 weeks so a) my husband could take overnight feeding shifts so I could get uninterrupted sleep (HEAVENLY) and b) so he’ll be used to it when I go back to work in a little over three weeks. He does great when I figured out the right speed of nipple (a 1) and he’s great on the boob. I have a solid supply in my freezer of pumped breast milk and will continue to pump at work. No real long term plans for breast feeding- but I guess I want to try for at least a year?
Sleeping– ROUGH. Hawk is a snuggle bunny and loves to cuddle and BE cuddled. He sleeps wonderfully in my bed (NOT SAFE), in our arms, or in the rock N play- which I learned is also not safe. I joined a Safe Sleep group on Facebook and it is scaring the shit out of me. The last few nights I’ve tried getting him to sleep in the bed side bassinet (Safe!) and his crib (safe, of course) and it hasn’t been going well. He was starting to sleep in 3 hour and sometimes if I was lucky 4 hour spurts in the rock n play- but once I learned it was not approved I couldn’t sleep when he was sleeping in it. Tonight he’s been sleeping in 20-30 spurts, though right now we are going on an hour and a half with one little wake up to which I popped his binky in his mouth and he fell back asleep. I started giving him a bed time routine when I bring him up to our room and I use my camera monitor until I’m ready to come up for the night- which is where I am now. I’m hoping he gets used to it quick! Tonight is his first night in a Halo Sleep Sack as he is going to be rolling over soon and swaddling is no longer safe for him. I also ordered a Merlin sleep suit on Amazon in a sleep deprived daze at 4 am so we’ll see what happens.
Mom, aka ME– I lost all my baby weight in a matter of a couple of weeks. My blood pressure is back to healthy ranges after being on a blood pressure pill for a month, and I’m going on birth control which feels crazy seeing how long it took me to get pregnant and IVF and all, but you never know and I really DO NOT want to be pregnant right now. Originally I thought I couldn’t do this again, but I think we want to have at least one more baby. We have six embryos on ice. Anyway, I’m not sleeping well of course, but I am loving being a mother, and I love my son more than I can convey. Of course I get frustrated at times, but I have found that I have A LOT of patience for him and mothering has been feeling very natural to me. I can’t wait until he’s sleeping a little longer because I miss yoga and spin class and while I have lost all my baby weight, I need to lose my IVF weight which is at least 30 pounds. Not to mention I would like my strength and flexibility back, as well as just going to yoga in general. Mental health wise I am doing really well. No PPD and I haven’t been to therapy since before Hawk was born. I want to have at least one more session before I stop going for the time being.
Marriage- We are doing great! I really think we are. We get frustrated with one another sometimes but I think that’s normal. My heart soars seeing Adam with Hawk and I look forward to when we can all do activities and such as a family when he grows a little older. It’s hard to give Adam the same attention I did before Hawk was here, but judging how we’re only a couple months in and still getting used to our new dynamic I think we’re doing a good job. I love him a lot and I’m so glad he’s Hawk’s dad 🙂
Friends- Some of my friends have been by to visit, but truth be told visits tire me out very easily. I have a plethora of love and people checking in on us and feel so grateful!
Photography biz– I booked a wedding with clients who had a consultation with me when I was in the hospital in the days leading up to Hawk’s birth- score! And booked another a few weeks after his arrival. I have 9 weddings booked for this season and one for next. Not the 15 last year but I did cancel a bridal show which is where I get a lot of my bookings, as well as raise my prices. We’ll see! I’ve been getting a solid amount of inquiries and truth be told it’s been hard for me to get back to them as fast as I used to. I think once I’m back at my day job that will improve as I can do that stuff on lunch or when I have down time. I closed down my photo studio because I don’t have it in me to hustle to make the rent worth it. I am looking at small offices for client meetings though. I have a storage space with all my studio furniture.
Hawk is overall a lovely baby. He’s starting to smile at me which melts my damn heart. He’s happy as long as he is fed, changed, and had his snuggle fix. He had a really bad diaper rash for over a month that is finally dissipating- changing diapers was traumatic for him every time and I tried every ointment out there- I’m glad it’s going away! I felt like the crazy mom at the pediatrician’s office a little too often. Oh well, that’s what they are there for! The last time he was weighed on Feb 22nd he was 9 pounds and 6 oz.. I am willing to bet he is over 10 pounds by now. He’s a great eater and he’s really filling out. Looking back and how tiny he was when he was born blows my mind to this day! I guess I don’t know what else to say, so here are some photos. 🙂